Hey, I'm New.

CherryBlack

CherryBlack

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Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Canada
#1
Hey, I'm a twenty-two-year-old girl from Canada (you can call me Cherry or CherryBlack if you wish) and, well, I'm trying my best.

I've always struggled with mental health, even as a kid. I'm not really sure if it's hereditary or if it's environmental or if it's some weird mixture of both. My parents and well, even my grandparents recognized I was different somehow. They said I acted differently from other kids, and had this juvenile ecstasy whenever I was happy but explosive, volatile anger whenever I was irritated.

I even recognized there was an issue with me as a kid. Friends were never permanent, I was frequently left alone at school, and I was generally praised for being a well behaved, polite, kid.

I remember going home and asking my mother what was wrong with me, why no one liked me, and why I seemingly couldn't get along with anyone and she well, never could really give me an answer.

At the age of twelve, I started to self-harm. My parents flipped their shit and it was at this time I had an awful first experience with an emergency psychiatrist. She threatened to hospitalize me, so at that point, I just pretended to be alright. She told my parents that I probably did it for attention or to feel as though I could have some control over my life, but honestly, she was so, so wrong. I did it to stop the numbness I feel so frequently, even to this day, a decade later.

It was at this young age as well that I started Prozac, and haven't been off of antidepressants since.

Anyways, to make this long story short, I have had an immense amount of bad experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists. Only recently I gathered up the courage to try and seek professional help, and it led me to a great new psychiatrist who I respect and adore, who also gave me the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

I have been always so scared to reach out, to tell someone how I felt, to tell someone that these suicidal intrusive thoughts pop into my head every single day. I have always been scared I would be locked up in some hospital.

But, I finally gathered the courage and here I am, trying to find people like me, who possibly could understand me, as I have never felt as though I was understood.

I struggle with relationships immensely, especially romantic, and my self-image almost constantly fluctuates, and I just feel so empty so frequently.

Anyways, I hope to get to know you all soon. I am looking forward to trying again, trying to seek people like me as maybe it'll help me open up, and maybe it'll help me socialize and make friends. I am not too sure what to expect but cheers to taking this path on the right foot.
 
Valka

Valka

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Feb 12, 2019
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England (NW)
#2
Hi Cherry! Welcome to the forum!
I hope you find some friends and people to talk with here regarding your issues, as I know I do! Welcome again.
 
calypso

calypso

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#3
:welcome: to the forum. I get so angry when people say that self harm is attention seeking. Most people who SH do it in a hidden way to avoid attention! I really understand doing it to overcome the numb feelings, that was my experience too.

Have you ever been offered any therapy? I doubt they would lock you up in a psych unit as there just aren't enough spaces for most of us. If you are British there is the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) who can reach out and help people a lot although they are variable in their abilities.
 
CherryBlack

CherryBlack

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Feb 12, 2019
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Canada
#5
:welcome: to the forum. I get so angry when people say that self harm is attention seeking. Most people who SH do it in a hidden way to avoid attention! I really understand doing it to overcome the numb feelings, that was my experience too.

Have you ever been offered any therapy? I doubt they would lock you up in a psych unit as there just aren't enough spaces for most of us. If you are British there is the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) who can reach out and help people a lot although they are variable in their abilities.
Ah, yes, I have considered therapy. The closest thing I have to it right now is my monthly psychiatrist appointments, but I feel like I'm just being medicated. Which is needed for me I feel, but it makes me feel as though I'm not improving and just dealing with the symptoms. I've been so scared to go to therapy due to previous events, but I mean, if I have met a good psychiatrist maybe there are good psychologists too. Just, I am hesitant. I have seen around four psychologist and the experiences with them have been awful.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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#6
Hi Cherry,
Welcome to the forum
Thank you for sharing your story, you are very brave.
We have quite a few members with BPD.
Take care
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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307
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Minnesota, USA
#11
Hi 🍒 Cherry and :welcome: to the forum.

I hope you find comfort and support here. It’s always relaxing when you share your feelings and thoughts with others.
I hate intrusive thoughts. They are so uncomfortable and annoying. I think no matter what kind of mental health issues someone has they are always have intrusive thoughts.

May I ask why the name Cherry 🍒? 🙂
 
CherryBlack

CherryBlack

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Feb 12, 2019
Messages
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Location
Canada
#12
Hi 🍒 Cherry and :welcome: to the forum.

I hope you find comfort and support here. It’s always relaxing when you share your feelings and thoughts with others.
I hate intrusive thoughts. They are so uncomfortable and annoying. I think no matter what kind of mental health issues someone has they are always have intrusive thoughts.

May I ask why the name Cherry 🍒? 🙂
I find intrusive thoughts so hard to deal with. It's like this other part of me telling me to do these ridiculous things. It's pretty awful!

And well, it's a nickname. CherryBlack is a mixture of two nicknames of mine. :):)
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#13
I find intrusive thoughts so hard to deal with. It's like this other part of me telling me to do these ridiculous things. It's pretty awful!

And well, it's a nickname. CherryBlack is a mixture of two nicknames of mine. :):)
That’s exactly how it feels like for me. Sometimes I ask myself that could it be that someone is talking in my head or those are truly my thoughts?

After I started medications in late November, my anxiety and intrusive thoughts and depression are almost gone. I am really waiting for spring and summer and I believe I will be totally free of all my symptoms.

I am very close to Canada and our weather is the same. It does effect out MH tremendously.

Your nickname is cute a catchy🙂
 
CherryBlack

CherryBlack

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Feb 12, 2019
Messages
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Canada
#14
That’s exactly how it feels like for me. Sometimes I ask myself that could it be that someone is talking in my head or those are truly my thoughts?

After I started medications in late November, my anxiety and intrusive thoughts and depression are almost gone. I am really waiting for spring and summer and I believe I will be totally free of all my symptoms.

I am very close to Canada and our weather is the same. It does effect out MH tremendously.

Your nickname is cute a catchy🙂
Haha thank you!! That's exactly how I feel honestly. I am currently on medications, 450 mg of Welbutrin and 10 mg of Trintellix. They're both antidepressants. May I ask what kind of medications you're on? I tried a mood stabilizer once as well but it really had a negative impact on me. I was sleeping all the time and my mental health in regards to depression and instrusive thoughts got so worse.

The reason I'm wondering is because I'm medicated, yet I'm still feeling some of these awful symptoms. Numbness, depression, intrusive thoughts, fatigue... everything an antidepressant is supposed to help. And yes, it does help to make my life well, manageable but I'm wondering if a different type of drug might help me?
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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Minnesota, USA
#15
Haha thank you!! That's exactly how I feel honestly. I am currently on medications, 450 mg of Welbutrin and 10 mg of Trintellix. They're both antidepressants. May I ask what kind of medications you're on? I tried a mood stabilizer once as well but it really had a negative impact on me. I was sleeping all the time and my mental health in regards to depression and instrusive thoughts got so worse.

The reason I'm wondering is because I'm medicated, yet I'm still feeling some of these awful symptoms. Numbness, depression, intrusive thoughts, fatigue... everything an antidepressant is supposed to help. And yes, it does help to make my life well, manageable but I'm wondering if a different type of drug might help me?
I am on Escitalopram 30mg per day. It saved my life pretty much. The whole month of October, I was anxious 18 hours a day. I had insomnia and ended up in the ER 2 times.

In addition to Escitalopram, I was prescribed Diazepam(Valium) 5mg for fast relief but I am terrified of the idea of addiction. Since November, I’ve used it about 3-4 times. I am not planning on taking it and at this stage I don’t I will never need it.

You might want to notify your doctor on the progress you made so far on your medications. By the way, you need to play with the dosage and time of taking your meds. I figured that by changing my dosage from 25 mg to 30 mg and changed the time from taking it at 10 pm to 5 pm and this worked perfectly. Tiredness and the foggy mind had subsided a whole lot.
 
CherryBlack

CherryBlack

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Feb 12, 2019
Messages
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Canada
#16
I am on Escitalopram 30mg per day. It saved my life pretty much. The whole month of October, I was anxious 18 hours a day. I had insomnia and ended up in the ER 2 times.

In addition to Escitalopram, I was prescribed Diazepam(Valium) 5mg for fast relief but I am terrified of the idea of addiction. Since November, I’ve used it about 3-4 times. I am not planning on taking it and at this stage I don’t I will never need it.

You might want to notify your doctor on the progress you made so far on your medications. By the way, you need to play with the dosage and time of taking your meds. I figured that by changing my dosage from 25 mg to 30 mg and changed the time from taking it at 10 pm to 5 pm and this worked perfectly. Tiredness and the foggy mind had subsided a whole lot.
Huh, do you find taking it at a different time of day helps you? I always take mine on the morning before I go to uni. Do they make you tired?
 
CherryBlack

CherryBlack

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Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
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Location
Canada
#17
I am on Escitalopram 30mg per day. It saved my life pretty much. The whole month of October, I was anxious 18 hours a day. I had insomnia and ended up in the ER 2 times.

In addition to Escitalopram, I was prescribed Diazepam(Valium) 5mg for fast relief but I am terrified of the idea of addiction. Since November, I’ve used it about 3-4 times. I am not planning on taking it and at this stage I don’t I will never need it.

You might want to notify your doctor on the progress you made so far on your medications. By the way, you need to play with the dosage and time of taking your meds. I figured that by changing my dosage from 25 mg to 30 mg and changed the time from taking it at 10 pm to 5 pm and this worked perfectly. Tiredness and the foggy mind had subsided a whole lot.
Huh, do you find taking it at a different time of day helps you? I always take mine on the morning before I go to uni. Do they make you tired?
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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Minnesota, USA
#17
Huh, do you find taking it at a different time of day helps you? I always take mine on the morning before I go to uni. Do they make you tired?
Yes, it does. I used to take it before going to bed at 10 pm. I found out that I get so sleepy and tired at 7 am and stay the whole day feeling that way. After changing the time to 5pm, it helped with my sleep and I wake up feeling fresh and energetic in the morning.
Keep in mind that people react differently to medications.
 
calypso

calypso

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#18
I would imagine the time of day you take it makes a lot of difference with some meds for some people. AntiDs alleviate depression, they don't cure it unfortunately often. I'm on Mirtazepine which I take at night as it sedates a lot. It means I get to sleep easily and that was something I had problems with in the past.