Hey, I joined because I need help making a decision

spikee

spikee

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Hi, I’m Leon and I think this fairly obvious but I’m new here. As the title says, I need help making a decision.
Lately (I say lately, uh, for the past 9ish months I guess) I haven’t really felt myself. I started self harming around August 2018 which is when my emotions started to get bad, and I’ve been occasionally self harming since, with my last time being about a week ago. My thoughts haven’t really changed, if anything they’ve got worse. Everyday I hate waking up and getting out of bed, and feeling like I’ve had a terrible nights sleep really doesn’t help. I’m tried pretty much all of the day, every day, and I’m never really in a good mood. I can’t remember the last time I felt properly happy, or even just my normal self. I hate who I am, I haven’t taken any pictures of myself since New Years Day because I just despise how I look and who I am, I don’t like looking in the mirror. I barely recognise myself anymore. I have frequent suicidal thoughts, at least a couple a day, and have a suicide plan set out, and I don’t really see myself living past the next few months. During the night it takes me several hours to get to sleep because I just can’t stop thinking and thinking and thinking, it feels horrible, like I can’t shut my brain off. Most nights when I do eventually fall asleep I don’t really dream, but whenever I do it’s usually a negative dream that involves me and other people crying, with those other people being hostile towards me or disappointed in me, and I’m not sure if my mood affects these dreams or not, but it’s horrible that I not only have to deal with negative thoughts during the day, but pretty rough dreams at night too. It feels like there’s no escape, and so far my only outlet is to self harm but this just causes further issues a while after doing it.
I’ve seen a doctor once, but that was in November and she was pretty useless, so I’ve been put off going again. I’ve been contemplating seeing a doctor again because I feel like I’ll end up killing myself soon if I don’t, and I booked an appointment but ended up cancelling for multiple reasons. So I guess I need help making a decision on whether or not I should see a doctor, and maybe what other people’s opinions are other than my own, because I don’t really have anyone to talk to, so if other people think this is a serious issue it might encourage me to get help.
I’m really sorry this was long and probably mind numbing to read but I needed to get this off my chest.
Thank you
 
calypso

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:welcome: to the forum. It wasn't mind numbing to read, it sounded desperate and so very depressed. I think from what you say, you are in deep need of a doctor and soon. You are seriously ill and need help. YOu can't get out of this type of feeling on your own, its too deep now.

Write down bullet points of what you have written here, and don't miss any out. Ask for meds but also for some therapy to help you. If you are in the UK then doctors can refer you on. Tell them you have made a plan and don't see yourself being here in 2 months time. Its VERY important that they hear that.

You are ill and need help urgently. If the doc you see isn't much use, see another one. I had to see 6 once before one eventually said I was seriously ill !!! When you saw the doc before, did you brush it off and only tell them a little of what you were feeling?

Keep talking to us.
 
spikee

spikee

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:welcome: to the forum. It wasn't mind numbing to read, it sounded desperate and so very depressed. I think from what you say, you are in deep need of a doctor and soon. You are seriously ill and need help. YOu can't get out of this type of feeling on your own, its too deep now.

Write down bullet points of what you have written here, and don't miss any out. Ask for meds but also for some therapy to help you. If you are in the UK then doctors can refer you on. Tell them you have made a plan and don't see yourself being here in 2 months time. Its VERY important that they hear that.

You are ill and need help urgently. If the doc you see isn't much use, see another one. I had to see 6 once before one eventually said I was seriously ill !!! When you saw the doc before, did you brush it off and only tell them a little of what you were feeling?

Keep talking to us.
Hey, thanks for the reply, my main concern about going to the doctor is if I tell them this and end up being hospitalised, will that happen? I’m 18, I don’t want my parents finding out any of this because I don’t want them to be upset.
When I saw a doctor last time I told her most of what I was feeling I guess, but I can’t really remember as it was a while ago. There were some things she said that really got to me, like how I should use something clean if I self harm (I guess I was expecting her to tell me not to do that), and she recommended meditation, but I guess she was just doing her job
 
midnightphoenix

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Hey, thanks for the reply, my main concern about going to the doctor is if I tell them this and end up being hospitalised, will that happen? I’m 18, I don’t want my parents finding out any of this because I don’t want them to be upset.
When I saw a doctor last time I told her most of what I was feeling I guess, but I can’t really remember as it was a while ago. There were some things she said that really got to me, like how I should use something clean if I self harm (I guess I was expecting her to tell me not to do that), and she recommended meditation, but I guess she was just doing her job
to be honest your parents do need to know about this :hug:
 
spikee

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to be honest your parents do need to know about this :hug:
I want to tell them I really do, I just can’t bring myself to do it, I live with them and my 3 siblings, all of which are younger, with the youngest being 4 years old, and I don’t wanna add to their issues or scare my little brother if I’m not ok
 
midnightphoenix

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I want to tell them I really do, I just can’t bring myself to do it, I live with them and my 3 siblings, all of which are younger, with the youngest being 4 years old, and I don’t wanna add to their issues or scare my little brother if I’m not ok
write everything down that you told us here, show it to the doctor then if the doctor wants to send you to hospital your family will have to know even if it's just the doctor telling them you are severeley depressed and need inpatient treatment :hug:
 
spikee

spikee

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write everything down that you told us here, show it to the doctor then if the doctor wants to send you to hospital your family will have to know even if it's just the doctor telling them you are severeley depressed and need inpatient treatment :hug:
Thank you, I wasn’t really sure how bad it seemed but based on the replies I can see that this is more serious than I thought. I’ll book an appointment and bring with me notes on what I’ve been feeling.
Thank you for the replies and your support
 
midnightphoenix

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You are very welcome spikee :hug:

even though we don't know you in real life and you only just joined, we care about you already on this forum :hug:
 
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calypso

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WE didn't mean to scare you. I am a mother of two adult children and I would be devastated if one of them was going through something like this and not telling me. I'd want to be there for them. I'm sure your parents would feel the same way.

Don't worry too much about hospital, there aren't enough beds to go around so its not too likely you will end up there.
 
spikee

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WE didn't mean to scare you. I am a mother of two adult children and I would be devastated if one of them was going through something like this and not telling me. I'd want to be there for them. I'm sure your parents would feel the same way.

Don't worry too much about hospital, there aren't enough beds to go around so its not too likely you will end up there.
It’s ok, I know you all mean well. And thank you, that’s reassuring to know. I appreciate the support from the both of you and will try and do something about it
 
calypso

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I would add that doctors are told these days to say that about self harm. They never tell you to stop just like that. Its the rules they have to follow. I don't understand them myself but there you are. She wanted you on medication because you need it.
 
calypso

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Do you want to tell us what triggered this off? Usually something started us thinking like this.
 
spikee

spikee

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Do you want to tell us what triggered this off? Usually something started us thinking like this.
Yeah I thought so about the doctor thing, and just to clear up any confusion I meant meditation as in like sitting there and quietly thinking (not medication).
And well Mum was diagnosed with Leukaemia in March 2018, but I always thought it was fairly unrelated as I didn’t have any constant negative thoughts until August/September 2018, and with her being in remission from about May 2018 onwards, and her finishing all treatment in November, I assume it’s not entirely this. I had a brief period of counselling when I was about 15, around the time my aunt was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (her and I were very close up until this point and since then I haven’t really been in contact with her as we lost closeness).
My Nan also has a history of Depression so my thinking was that it’s probably more genetic.
 
calypso

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Whether its genetic or not (And I am not sure about that at all), I think having your mum so ill probably did trigger this off. Despite her illness, I still think that she would rather know and be there for you especially as you have made a plan. That would devastate her totally to lose you - trust me! It goes with the territory of being a mum to worry and care about your children. Being the eldest means you have always been the responsible one and so that too adds a pressure onto you.

Do tell your parents please. Maybe they can go with you to the doctors and see that you get the proper help and not bloody Meditation!!!
 
spikee

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Whether its genetic or not (And I am not sure about that at all), I think having your mum so ill probably did trigger this off. Despite her illness, I still think that she would rather know and be there for you especially as you have made a plan. That would devastate her totally to lose you - trust me! It goes with the territory of being a mum to worry and care about your children. Being the eldest means you have always been the responsible one and so that too adds a pressure onto you.

Do tell your parents please. Maybe they can go with you to the doctors and see that you get the proper help and not bloody Meditation!!!
Thank you, I’ll try and find the courage to speak to my parents about it, I guess I’ve never really seen it from their point of view and worried they’ll be more upset knowing I have an issue. Having someone give support who has children and knows what it would feel like is a great help.
And I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought meditation was ridiculous haha
 
calypso

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Meditation to a suicidal young man who is self harming is ridiculous to me. I hope you keep us posted as to how you got on with it all. Sometimes when something is hard to say, I have written a letter to the person even though they are in the same room as me. It gives me time to gather my thoughts and write it appropriately. It might be an idea to do that with your parents. Just a thought.
 
spikee

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Meditation to a suicidal young man who is self harming is ridiculous to me. I hope you keep us posted as to how you got on with it all. Sometimes when something is hard to say, I have written a letter to the person even though they are in the same room as me. It gives me time to gather my thoughts and write it appropriately. It might be an idea to do that with your parents. Just a thought.
Will do, I feel very much accepted here. That’s a good idea, I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you again for the support, it means a lot and has really helped 😊
 
calypso

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Lots and lots of hugs and throw that "plan" away. You are 18 and have so much to live for even though it doesn't feel like it right now. I know, you feel so dark and alone in there in your mind. I am also diagnosed bipolar, like your aunt, and know depression all too well. But I also know that there is always a way out of it. Hold on in there and just accept you need help and you are half way to finding your way out of the maze of darkness in which you find yourself.
 
midnightphoenix

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Thank you, I’ll try and find the courage to speak to my parents about it, I guess I’ve never really seen it from their point of view and worried they’ll be more upset knowing I have an issue. Having someone give support who has children and knows what it would feel like is a great help.
And I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought meditation was ridiculous haha
first time i read it i thought it said medication :redface:

meditation :LOL:
 
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