• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Hey, how is everyone? Just here to try to understand myself really.

T

thought

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2015
Messages
1
Hey!

Around 3 years ago I began to suffer from panic attacks, non-stop anxiety and lacked any direction in life. I was petrified of everything, especially my conviction I was dying of brain cancer, or other terrible things I concocted in my head. College was almost unbearable and I was no longer living for enjoyment but to just 'survive', that's how it felt for me. At this point no mood disorder was present, just anxiety, I was too pumped full of adrenaline is the reason I presume.

About 6 months after this really hit me I chose to seek help, first by self educating myself about anxiety and panic attacks, then by talk therapy and meditation. I have to say this after a short while greatly helped my anxiety, which I am thankful for. But maybe it was a double edged sword; I had become care free around this time, no longer caring about my hobbies, college, relationships and getting up in the morning. It was weird because I really wanted to care but I couldn't, this obviously left me very frustrated, I'd sit and watch a comedy I would be in hysterics before but would end up crying that I am so despondent. A good mood was a distant memory, I was either utterly lifeless in bed pondering existential desires filled with dread, or going about my daily routine in complete cruise control unconnected from the world. Weirdly I was defiant to label myself depressed, all I could think is my mum is a manic depressive and I am not like her in her depressive states. But surely I was.

Last summer was fantastic for me, I was convinced my depression was gone, and had accepted it was depression. I felt normal again. I wasn't though. Over this time I wrote a total of 54 essays on nonsensical philosophy, maybe some of it was decent, and had this delusion I had proved God. I read many books, gained a lot of knowledge, but never in the day time, always at night, so I had no sleep. The lack of sleep didn't affect me, in the day I'd go for long walks because of my new wanderlust I found. I felt fantastic so I never considered anything was wrong with me, but as I came down from this high and began to look up stuff like bipolar and depression I came to the realization maybe it was hypomania.

Right now, maybe I am in a mixed mood. It feels impossible for me to get up in the morning, which is my biggest problem at the moment, and also I've lost interest in learning, work, anything like that and would rather socialize/party to get the high I crave. I still feel so despondent, and disconnected from the world....


Any advise would be greatly appreciated!
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
Hi thought and welcome to the forum.

Sorry to hear that you've been suffering. Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling and what you've been going through?
 
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