• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Hey guys, toxic parents, abuse, abortion, please help

M

May Moon

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Po6
Hey guys my name is May,
I have depression and anxiety, since I was little. I am 28 years old, and have actually studied a pshycology degree myself.

The reason Im here today is to fine a bit of advice or help regarding my family. My mum has severe depression and anxiety, my dad has PTSD from the vietnam war. I am an only child to them, a s growing uo, to say the least, it was toxic. My dad had regular outbursts, there was a lot of verbal abuse directed at me and my mother. I could see my mum was scared but she stayed with him even after the affairs he had, and a divorce. My mum has always been depressed but she is very overbearing and controlling of me. I am 28 years olf now and i still feel like I cant get away from them.

When i finished school they were pressuring me about university. I am a creative type, not really academic, but none the less I was pressured into going to uni straight out of school, and I picked psychology *surprise* maybe to try and make sense of their behaviours. I left home when I was 18 but they still had a lot of hold on me, financially and mentally. They would withold money, my car, or would tell me how much of a disappointment I was etc. After 6 years of doing a degree i didnt want to do, I graduated and they seemed underwhelmed to say the least. During this time, my partner was physically abusive and I went to my mum and dads for help. I stayed one night before shit hit the fan, and my abusive ex showed up. My mum and dad let him in and spoke to him, made him tea, and sided with him, after he attacked me. I lived in their second spare house, so I quickly moved to a friends place for I felt I wasnt even safe there. After a barrage of letters telling me not to come to their funerals, I'm a disappointment, a drug addict, everything you can think of they said. They stalked my friends house, dropped all the photos of me in a suitcase off.

Then mum had a stroke. They blamed me and i went back to care for her full time. I also went back to the abusive ex, and the abuse got worse.

I had finally had enough of the abuse from my partner and I asked my mum and dad for help and my dad said "you've made your bed, you can lay in it". So one very physical break up later, Im trying to get my life back on track. My mum has COPD from heavy smoking, so she has been deteriorating quickly the past few years.

The best thing to happen to me was I met my partner now, who is English. We fell in love very quickly and he proposed after 2 weeks. Inwas so happy, and for a time, my parents were actually really nice. And then they would show their old behaviours, and my partner was very shocked by their words and actions.

The problem is, I have moved to England to be with my man. His family are so so lovely and they treat me like a daughter. But my mum and dad blame me for moving away, and my mum just says she wants to die, or kill herself. We still dont get along even far away. We applied for a partner Visa, which was denied, so the thought of going back home is making me anxious and depressed. I feel guilty for not wanting to see them.

I recently fell pregnant and looking back i wish i never told them. They told me I wasnt fit to be a mother, i was too young (28 years old), i would die in childbirth, im not mentally fit enough etc. I have one kidney and have been wuite sick, so my pregnancy would have been high risk. I decided to have an abortion. This was onky a few weeks ago so the pain is still very raw. I called my dad for his birthday the other day and for 1, he forgot i even had an abortion (after he told me to have one) and then second, asked "if i kicked you down there, would it hurt"

I guess what im trying to say is... i dont want to speak to them? And I feel guilty every day not wanting to speak to them or see them, and my mum is constantly waiting on the other end of the phone for me. I feel like when we talk we just argue and she doesnt take what i say seriously. She says that I went "off the rails" and "she did her best to be a mother" "i was a good parent" "we gave you everything" "you've torn the family apart"

Its a lot of pressure. I still send presents, and flowers, to no avail. I feel like I should be caring for my mother like I used to. But i worked 2 jobs, studied full time, and was my mums carer. and it still isnt enough for them. My partners family dont think I should speak to them because when i do i always get upset. I know i am not perfect and have done some shit in the past, but it hurts that we cant have a nice relationship. She is waiting for me to come home so she can die, and given the current covid situation i am unable to travel out there. Even if i could, the thought of it is making me anxious and I honeslty dont think i would be able to cope if i had to go stay with them.

Please any advice is great. This is a small snippet of my life with them. If it puts it into perspective, i have two half sisters from dads firsr marriage. 2/3 of us dont speak to him. I have seen counsellors whe I was 7 but resorted to smoking weed when I was 19 to just try and escape it.

I love my parents but i dont like them and i cant help thinking, if they truly cared and loved me why do they want me to feel so bad?

Peace and love to you all
 
Last edited by a moderator:
M

May Moon

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Po6
Hey guys my name is May,
I have depression and anxiety, since I was little. I am 28 years old, and have actually studied a pshycology degree myself.

The reason Im here today is to fine a bit of advice or help regarding my family. My mum has severe depression and anxiety, my dad has PTSD from the vietnam war. I am an only child to them, a s growing uo, to say the least, it was toxic. My dad had regular outbursts, there was a lot of verbal abuse directed at me and my mother. I could see my mum was scared but she stayed with him even after the affairs he had, and a divorce. My mum has always been depressed but she is very overbearing and controlling of me. I am 28 years olf now and i still feel like I cant get away from them.

When i finished school they were pressuring me about university. I am a creative type, not really academic, but none the less I was pressured into going to uni straight out of school, and I picked psychology *surprise* maybe to try and make sense of their behaviours. I left home when I was 18 but they still had a lot of hold on me, financially and mentally. They would withold money, my car, or would tell me how much of a disappointment I was etc. After 6 years of doing a degree i didnt want to do, I graduated and they seemed underwhelmed to say the least. During this time, my partner was physically abusive and I went to my mum and dads for help. I stayed one night before shit hit the fan, and my abusive ex showed up. My mum and dad let him in and spoke to him, made him tea, and sided with him, after he attacked me. I lived in their second spare house, so I quickly moved to a friends place for I felt I wasnt even safe there. After a barrage of letters telling me not to come to their funerals, I'm a disappointment, a drug addict, everything you can think of they said. They stalked my friends house, dropped all the photos of me in a suitcase off.

Then mum had a stroke. They blamed me and i went back to care for her full time. I also went back to the abusive ex, and the abuse got worse.

I had finally had enough of the abuse from my partner and I asked my mum and dad for help and my dad said "you've made your bed, you can lay in it". So one very physical break up later, Im trying to get my life back on track. My mum has COPD from heavy smoking, so she has been deteriorating quickly the past few years.

The best thing to happen to me was I met my partner now, who is English. We fell in love very quickly and he proposed after 2 weeks. Inwas so happy, and for a time, my parents were actually really nice. And then they would show their old behaviours, and my partner was very shocked by their words and actions.

The problem is, I have moved to England to be with my man. His family are so so lovely and they treat me like a daughter. But my mum and dad blame me for moving away, and my mum just says she wants to die, or kill herself. We still dont get along even far away. We applied for a partner Visa, which was denied, so the thought of going back home is making me anxious and depressed. I feel guilty for not wanting to see them.

I recently fell pregnant and looking back i wish i never told them. They told me I wasnt fit to be a mother, i was too young (28 years old), i would die in childbirth, im not mentally fit enough etc. I have one kidney and have been wuite sick, so my pregnancy would have been high risk. I decided to have an abortion. This was onky a few weeks ago so the pain is still very raw. I called my dad for his birthday the other day and for 1, he forgot i even had an abortion (after he told me to have one) and then second, asked "if i kicked you down there, would it hurt"

I guess what im trying to say is... i dont want to speak to them? And I feel guilty every day not wanting to speak to them or see them, and my mum is constantly waiting on the other end of the phone for me. I feel like when we talk we just argue and she doesnt take what i say seriously. She says that I went "off the rails" and "she did her best to be a mother" "i was a good parent" "we gave you everything" "you've torn the family apart"

Its a lot of pressure. I still send presents, and flowers, to no avail. I feel like I should be caring for my mother like I used to. But i worked 2 jobs, studied full time, and was my mums carer. and it still isnt enough for them. My partners family dont think I should speak to them because when i do i always get upset. I know i am not perfect and have done some shit in the past, but it hurts that we cant have a nice relationship. She is waiting for me to come home so she can die, and given the current covid situation i am unable to travel out there. Even if i could, the thought of it is making me anxious and I honeslty dont think i would be able to cope if i had to go stay with them.

Please any advice is great. This is a small snippet of my life with them. If it puts it into perspective, i have two half sisters from dads firsr marriage. 2/3 of us dont speak to him. I have seen counsellors whe I was 7 but resorted to smoking weed when I was 19 to just try and escape it.

I love my parents but i dont like them and i cant help thinking, if they truly cared and loved me why do they want me to feel so bad?

Peace and love to you all

Also to just mention my dad compares me to my two sisters who are very successful. His words were "while your sisters and friends have been working hard on thei lives, you have been out and about shaking a tambourine"

Would it be bad if i cut them out? I feel like it would do my mental health so much better, but the guilt of knowing my mother is sick and im not there to help. She has told me dad is nasty to her, and then she will defend his behaviours, towards both of us. They have each other, why do they need me as well?
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
5,459
Location
Canada
Hi May, welcome to the forum. You've been going through so much. I don't know what to say about your parents, sounds like they are not good for your well-being, and I can see why you need to distance yourselves from them. It's so hard with family when the relationship is poor. I think you have to put yourself first. Offer any support or caring you can but know your own well-being is a priority.
 
M

May Moon

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Po6
Hi May, welcome to the forum. You've been going through so much. I don't know what to say about your parents, sounds like they are not good for your well-being, and I can see why you need to distance yourselves from them. It's so hard with family when the relationship is poor. I think you have to put yourself first. Offer any support or caring you can but know your own well-being is a priority.
Thank you very much, I really do appreciate that.❤
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,146
Location
Southern USA
Welcome! I'm new. Great place. Get away from those people! Time for a whole new life; you deserve it, don't forget that in the journey.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
F Hey guys Introduce Yourself 4
jb5784 Hey, Guys! I'm so glad to be here. Introduce Yourself 2
MiniThoughts Hey, guys... Introduce Yourself 9
MoonShapedPool Hey Guys Introduce Yourself 11
J Hey guys! New here Introduce Yourself 5
A Hey guys Introduce Yourself 11
M hey guys im new here im having issues with anxiety, stress and Deja Vu any help would be great Introduce Yourself 4
M Hey everyone! Introduce Yourself 9
S Hey everybody Introduce Yourself 5
H Hey,new to this forum,I need to talk about things Introduce Yourself 6
Hello513 Hey this is another Ironman introduces himself again thread. Though he has done it like 4/5 times. Introduce Yourself 0
E Hey everyone - 29 year old male who feels time is running out Introduce Yourself 6
H Hey, I'm new to this. Introduce Yourself 7
N hey Introduce Yourself 4
C Hey Introduce Yourself 6
H Hey - I'm new Introduce Yourself 7
L HEY THERE! I'm Rapid Cycling and Not Myself Introduce Yourself 2
D Hey im new here but watched for a longtime Introduce Yourself 8
knowyourworth Hey I've made mistakes in the past ,I am trying to add value to my life .karma has taken a heavy toll on me,but a voice inside me won't let me give up Introduce Yourself 7
F hey Introduce Yourself 5
R Hey Introduce Yourself 4
C Hey peoples Introduce Yourself 6
anodyne Hey all Introduce Yourself 8
W Hey everyone! Introduce Yourself 9
S hey Introduce Yourself 10
Isabel40 Hey everyone Introduce Yourself 6
H Hey Introduce Yourself 6
Hello513 Hey you say goodbye I say hello. You are not alone. Introduce Yourself 18
G Hey Introduce Yourself 8
G Hey :) Introduce Yourself 3
N Hey new here, haven't felt myself for close to a decade Introduce Yourself 11
Q Hey am new Introduce Yourself 3
S hey! uni student struggling with anxiety and depression Introduce Yourself 2
S Hey everyone Introduce Yourself 4
M Hey everyone. I have trouble coping with what is happening to me (or what I am doing to myself?) Introduce Yourself 6
B Hey everyone Introduce Yourself 7
S Hey! Sandra is here! Introduce Yourself 12
ketuntassut Hey there, feeling desperate Introduce Yourself 22
H Hey, I’ve got a screwed up mind Introduce Yourself 9
Ace_Hart Hey y’all Introduce Yourself 19
scarecrow Hey all Introduce Yourself 8
MoonStar hey everyone. Introduce Yourself 11
M 👋🏻 Hey.. Introduce Yourself 7
veela Hey there Introduce Yourself 4
B Hey all :) Introduce Yourself 4
G Hey everyone :) Introduce Yourself 13
sakana hey!! Introduce Yourself 3
J Hey, I need help my mental health ATM is affecting my life Introduce Yourself 11
gt86 Hey everyone! Introduce Yourself 8
J Hey newbie Introduce Yourself 7

Similar threads

Top