Hey guys! Need Advice if possible

P

Pixie goth

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Joined
Feb 19, 2018
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3
#1
Hi, I'm new here. I guess I really needed someone to talk to because I feel so alone at the moment. I've suffered from depression on and off for at least 17 years. A lot of it is linked to low self esteem aggravated by a couple of abusive ex boyfriends. I had been a lot better the past 12 months. I felt positive about my future, confident, at least more confident than I have been in a long time. 6 months ago I got in a new relationship and I have been pretty happy. The odd blip but every relationship has that. This weekend he was ill and showed a side that I haven't seen before, that confused, scared and angered me in equal measure. He got really angry because I had washed up for his mom and helped his niece make a card. I thought I was doing good, something nice for his mom and keeping his niece out from under his feet so he could rest but he was really angry that I hadn't been looking after him when he felt so bad. The next day he apologised but I've had a horrible knot in my stomach ever since. It brought a lot of bad memories back for me and I feel like I'm just waiting for him to finish with me. Today I had an awful day with my family and he asked me how I was. I told him I was ed off with my family but I'd be OK when I had chance to calm down. He asked what had happened so I told him. He sent me a weird message back saying I have the same issues with my family every week and he didn't know what to say because it was so repetitive. Then didn't want to talk before bed like we normally do and he said we'd talk tomorrow followed by a pretty unexpected message about my insecurity and needing constant reassurance. I genuinely don't know what to feel, but I'm pretty disappointed that my first response was unfortunately self harm. I hadn't resorted to self harm in 9 years but have done so twice since we've been together. I'm starting to wonder if it's as healthy a relationship as I first thought. I have been of great support to him since we met, emotional and financial but I'm starting to feel he isn't as supportive to me. I am insecure I guess. It's Always bubbling underneath but the weekend brought it to the surface. I didn't know how to feel after he was like that. I don't know how to feel now. Except frustrated with myself. Self harm always makes me feel sick with myself. I can't talk to my friends or family about it because they'll be concerned about the way he was the weekend, and if I want our relationship to continue telling them wouldn't be wise. I just feel so alone.
 
calypso

calypso

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#2
I can't say whether you should stay or not as I can't possibly know your relationship properly. But it feels as though you need to air some of this with him and he's being difficult to communicate with. I had a husband who didn't talk much unless pushed into it so I used to write him aletter and hand it to him. Sounds a bizarre thing to do, but it gave me time to think things through, word things the way I wanted, keep the tension out of my voice and get my point of view across without him arguing half way through. It worked for me and he would then sit down and say that he didn't realise I felt this or that way. I just think texts and emails etc aren't the same really. Anyway, just a thought....

I hope you can clear things up with him soon. He did sound a little silly by wanting to be the centre of attention when he was ill. If its a good relationship generally you could also refer yourself to Relate who are a charity here in the UK for people with relatonship problems. Its very good. It might help you to get through these problems more easily.
 
B

Bogomil

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Feb 2, 2018
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484
#3
Hi, P.! I can understand the issue of low esteem, I struggled a lot with it. I was paying attention to all other people around me and letting myself out of my own life. I was being hurt by a simple word or a simple look back then. All until I learned that people can hurt me only if I give them leverage, only if I allow them to hurt me.

Here is a story I readed time ago, maybe it will be of some help: in a village was a wise old man. Everyone came to him for advice and was greatly respected for his wisdom. One day, a young man gelous of old man's wisdom, decided to confront him in from of the entire village. In that day it happened that in the village was a fair so people came from other neighbouring villages, so it was a lot of people in the village. In the village's square were all this people and of course the old wise man. The gelous young man stopped in the front of the wise man and started to shout out loud a lot of bad things about him, swearing him, calling him names and all sort of other unpleasant things. The villagers were horrified to hear such things and to see that the old man stood silent, as nothing happened. "Master, they said to him, why don't you say anything in response?" they said. "To whom?" the old man asked. "To this thick young man insulting you!" "What thick young man?" "This one who is in front of you and who said so many bad things to you" "Well, he didn't said anything to me or about me. I never heard what he said". :hug5:
 
F

FriendsFanaticSince1999

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Feb 16, 2019
Messages
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Bootle Merseyside
#4
Aw hi i am new to this forum as well, sorry to hear this sad story, it sounds to me as though youre particularly frightened due to past relationships causing you PTSD. I am sorry to hear that he felt ill, but he should have really thought on a little bit more, considering your past relationships. I am glad to hear that before this though you were starting to feel better, whether you stay with him or not is down to if you keep on feeling like this, if things start improving within the relationship, maybe you will start to feel better again, but if there are constant cracks in the relationship, you are probably best splitting up, as you will just end up going back to as bad as, if not worse than how you felt originally. Sorry to hear you have started self-harming again, I would recommend getting proffesional advise off a proper relationship counselor for the two of you for even more help. Hope this helps and kind regards, Joanne.
 

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