Hey everyone :)

S

Splashy

New member
Joined
Oct 22, 2018
Messages
3
#1
Hey everyone!

I'll be honest, I'm not sure how long I'll be here but I'm really feeling down and out of control at the moment.

I'm on another forum at the moment too, until now it's been my only one. I've started to make some friends online but I've also had difficulties too. The first person who messaged me stopped suddenly, and I haven't seen him in weeks. I miss him so much :( Then I started talking to someone else I liked as well, and now their messages are becoming much less frequent. I feel like I'm so needy and dependent on other people but no-one ever wants me. I have no friends in real life right now, so my online conversations are all I have. They feel like they're slipping away from me though and being online has caused me just as much heartbreak as it has happiness.

I'm just so lonely. I don't know what to do :(
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#2
:welcome: Splashy. I feel like I'm writing to a bottlenose dolphin named Splashy. LOL When you are needy because of how your childhood affects you, you definitely can work on it with on line friends.

I use to have horrible separation anxiety. I'd be in a social situation and unable to leave. I literally couldn't get up and walk out the door. I was like that children's book duckling that thought everyone was it's mother.

In addition to on line friends, it really is important for us to make real friends in real life. I have managed to finally cultivate two female friendships in real life. Plus, I have one male friend now. Use to be two but one died. On line I have many friends but there has to be a structure for us to interact; this forum, or facebook. Without a structure of topics, these people fade away.

One important thing I've done is to spread myself out amongst all my friends/acquaintances. This is so I won't overwhelm any one person with my needs.
Like I only call the same person once a week. This is fine since I have a few other people to also call once a week.
 
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Splashy

New member
Joined
Oct 22, 2018
Messages
3
#3
Aw thank you! Haha who says you're not? :p I'd love to work on it. The thing is I get so anxious when I don't get many messages from people online, I worry they don't like me enough or I've been too annoying.

I used to feel like that too, but now I'm different. It might be because I've been on and off antidepressants since I was 16 - they're something I'd like to stop. They help with my depression but they make me feel so numb and anxious at the same time, I don't like them at all. Ooh I've heard of that book! I was like that with my real mum too though =/

I know, but I have no idea how to do that. Stuff like my appearance, my hair, my personality, my past, they all stop me from putting myself out there. Hopefully I'm getting some therapy in the near future but it's still hard. How did you manage to cultivate your friendships if you don't mind me asking? I think one thing about me is that I can be more picky about friends than I'm always in a position to be. It's like I'm afraid of giving too much of myself away before I get to know someone. It's not always like that, but the people I feel comfortable with straight away I normally feel are out of my league :( What structures do you use? I've thought about joining Facebook but I'm afraid to. People do fade away, it's happened to me already and it almost physically hurts.

Yeah I guess that's important to do. I don't want to lean to heavily on one person. I don't have anyone to call or see but I can do that with my online friends for now - if they'd even consider me a friend?

Thank you so much again for your reply though! I'm sorry if my response is kind of long :sorry:
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#4
Hey, Splashy

The art of cultivating friendships : Lesson 1

1. Ask them questions about their life, what they like, dislike, what work do they do or not, what they believe in spiritually

2. Use Reflective Listening; repeat back to them in your own words how they are feeling. Ex. It sounds like you are pretty well fed up. Ex. That must be so frustrating.

People love to be understood and have their feelings verified.

3. Ask them out for coffee or to an art museum. Talk about the art.

4. To find people to do all this with, go to meetings for things you have an interest in; orchid growing club, video gaming club, Chinese cooking class. Most high schools have adult classes in the evening. You could take a computer class and meet people.

I met people in a 12 Step Program and this was a long time ago and they are both still my friends; a man and a woman.

Another thing I did was I found people from High School and they loved being found. They are on line friends now but a little closer to me because we actually knew each other. One even traveled 5 hours to visit me, twice.

PS long posts are good posts :)
 
S

Splashy

New member
Joined
Oct 22, 2018
Messages
3
#5
Ooh a lesson!

I do kind of talk to people like this already, I just don't put myself in many social situations. I think that's the main problem, I'm really afraid to put myself out there in the first place.

Asking questions is something I can definitely do, but I only do it when I think the other person's comfortable with me poking my nose into their life :p

I do try to use reflective listening to. I got on with people pretty well at my first lecture of the year last week, but I'm so quiet and I feel like I make very little progress every time :(

Yeah I totally get that! Everyone needs to be understood. That's what friendships are for in my mind, people who like each other helping each other out.

Oh I don't know if I could say much intelligent about art! I get what you're saying though!

I could join a society at uni but I'm too nervous now. Maybe in the near future if I can.

Ooh what's a 12-step programme?

Oh now that's something I don't know I'd want to do. There's only a few select people from school I'd ever want to get back in touch with, but I don't know if they'd ever want to get back in touch with me. That's really nice of them to travel that far though!

Aw thank you! Sometimes I think they're a little too long but thanks anyway ^^

If someone I'm talking to online doesn't respond much for a few days, does that mean they're losing interest? I'm afraid getting to know people online is much harder than doing it in person, and I struggle to do that :(

Thank you again for responding though!
 

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