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Hey everyone. I have trouble coping with what is happening to me (or what I am doing to myself?)

M

Moe

New member
Joined
Mar 28, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Germany
I cannot quite cope with my reality. I am 28, fit, good with my studies although a bit slow, but I am losing friends left and right. I always feel like the few that are left just hang out with me out of pity. Some of them don't even answer me anymore and I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have pushed away the greatest woman in my life. She was my best friend and always there for me. I developed feelings and she said no but I always had the feeling of getting mixed messages. So I told her I need space and haven't contacted her in 6 months. One day i feel incredibly unmanly for having such a fragile ego that I can't even ask her if she is alright even though that's all I want to know. The other day I'm afraid that she doesn't give a fuck and never gave a second thought to me.

I feel like there is something so deeply wrong with me, that other people have found out about and reject me for it. I don't know where to go next. 3 years of self help books, lifting and all that but I'm feeling more hopeless by the week. Any advice on my situation? I'm really looking for an answer to this, if there is any.

Thanks for reading
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
888
Location
England
Hi Moe, welcome.

Are you able to give us any further information about your troubles to help us better understand them, and then perhaps we could suggest some things once we know a bit more?
 
M

Moe

New member
Joined
Mar 28, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Germany
Thank you, yes of course.

Okay so I will start with my best female friend. She's a very caring and empathetic person. While I was very depressed she was always there for me and gave me an ear. I started developing feelings for her. We always used to flirt a little bit, but in a friendly way. When I felt better I asked her out and she said no. I was okay with that, but after that I felt really bad when I saw her. I felt neglected when she didn't answer texts (I don't text a lot) and I told her I need distance. I feel really bad for not texting her now just to ask her how she is. While in this case I distanced myself, other friends have distanced themselves from me. They don't want to hang out anymore (nothing to do with covid), are really cold on the phone and when I see them, I can see in their eyes that they are not happy to see me. I thought I was over my depression, but I can't shake the feeling that something is deeply wrong with my personality. I always feel like I'm everyone's third best choice for everything.

I am quite the awkward person sometimes, but in general people say I'm funny and smart. But I feel so incredibly disconnected from everyone, like I lost any empathy and trust.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
888
Location
England
Ok. I'll start with the friend. She helped you, you started to like that help, and then tried to make it more than friends, she made it clear that friends was all she was offering, and then things got awkward for you both (naturally) and you both clammed up a bit with each other...then you said you needed distance.

If you want her back as a friend I think it's a lot more straight forward than you think. Just text and either explain things, honestly, or ask if she would like to meet up so you could explain things better, but make it clear you aren't after her romantically, just as a friend, you were maybe just a bit confused or seeking affection when you were low. You should be able to put it behind you quite easily if you were such good friends beforehand. I wouldn't worry about that too much.

I don't know the situation with your other friends, but if they are also friends with her then they're likely feeling a bit unhappy with the way you asked for distance from her, almost like them seeing it as you being unappreciative of the help she gave you. You also have to consider that you may be thinking these things yourself out of fear/anxiety rather than them actually being true, and anxiety can bring awkwardness too because you're so wrapped up in what you think you're doing or saying, rather than just being natural and relaxed.

Take a look here CBT Self Help Resources for some useful resources on various aspects you've mentioned here. Focus on the unhelpful thoughts side of things: automatic thoughts, negative thoughts etc, there's good help there.
 
Brinesoul

Brinesoul

Member
Joined
Apr 6, 2021
Messages
11
Location
Maldives
I cannot quite cope with my reality.
Story of my life. :sorry:

Just lettin' you know I've lost about four circles of bosom friends over the span of a decade in a similar manner. It just happens out of the blue. Used to bewilder me. I only recently found out my bipolar episodes could have scared them off. I've gotten over almost all of those persons (it's a long list, okay) and am now thoroughly and utterly alone. It's dreadful.

I did try to reach out to a few friends who abandoned me out of desperation, but they were like, jeez, go away. The toxic ones made a beeline at me everytime I cracked open my windows, though, so those I pushed away consciously, with fly swatters and public nervous meltdowns if need be.

Then, like ghosts; all of them would fade away completely. I'd be utterly alone in a clockwork world where I knew not a soul.

The only solution left was to learn to be with myself during these lone stretches and enjoy it with a vengeance (or die trying). I'm currently trying that on for size. Focusing on my little hobbies till they blush from all the attention. Getting back on meds. Day-dreaming about which new friends I'll be lucky enough to meet in the future, all the possible ways they'll ditch me, and all the corners I can crawl into to bawl about it. Trying to cope with my ever transforming social-reality has become an art form at this point.

I hope it gets better for you and that you get your best friend back. Monitor your communications to keep it always clear and honest, and police your emotions sternly (also, get to know them better day by day). Make your intentions as well-rounded and GOOD as possible moment to moment, a thing I've found particularly helpful. Good thoughts, good thoughts - a quick run to the bathroom to vent pent up despair and hopelessness and dread of existence simmering at the core of your being, wash your face... phew - and then more good thoughts.

Be aware that you have to eventually and gracefully let go of things/events/persons you have no true power/responsibility over and move into the unknown. It's a great unwritten universal law of life. Something we can actively work on is to better handle ourselves in the midst and aftermath of these uncontrollable situations.

Take care Moe.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
888
Location
England
Day-dreaming about which new friends I'll be lucky enough to meet in the future, all the possible ways they'll ditch me,
You sound like a cool person, you'll find and make new ones before long. Keep the faith.
 
Brinesoul

Brinesoul

Member
Joined
Apr 6, 2021
Messages
11
Location
Maldives
Keep the faith.
Thank you for your kind words Wishbone. I'll keep the hope roaring... Surely my chances of retaining good people as friends only increases the wiser I grow, right. Time is cool that way.
 
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