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Hey everyone - 29 year old male who feels time is running out

E

equinox92101

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2021
Messages
11
Location
Germany
Hi everyone and looking forward to spending some time on this forum as I try to attain peace of mind and being. I have never been diagnosed with anything formally (just went to counselling once. I know this is an introduction just, but this is basically a biography of self-hate, emotional dysregulation, and loss of identity.

I had a perfectly happily childhood with no complaints. Then I entered my high school and quickly became the class clown... soon everyone in my school knew me as the 'town goof' and I couldn't go anywhere in public without fear of being publicly humiliated. It felt like I had no escape apart from in the comfort of my own house. This was combined with being called ugly to my face on a few different occasions which made me extremely socially anxious and appearance focused. I developed a very 'pigeon holed' and 'perfectionist' view of the world, where I decided I would only be able to live my life once I managed to become really good looking or once I 'had my shit together'. I used to write life goal lists every weekend, obsessively. OCD also accompanied this, and I now realize it was a defense mechanism to escape the mundane and painful reality of my existence.

There were 1 or 2 periods where I developed genuine connections with the opposite sex and was becoming naturally comfortable with myself. But I couldn't progress with it for fear of being humiliated and laughed at in public, so went back into my word of fantasy planning and making lists on a weekly basis.

I went to college when I was 18 in another city and was glad to escape my home-town and build a new life. But my hatred and obsession with my physical appearance still destroyed me internally and stopped me from building actual connections. I also found it hard to break-away from friends who I felt nothing in common with, incase they reacted badly to me ending the friendship or called me ugly etc. This really affected my interpersonal relations and sense of self, I have maintained friendships with people I feel I have nothing in common with and spent time doing activities which I didn't enjoy. I have found myself being asked to be 'best man' next year at a friends wedding who I don't even feel close to. Like my teenage years, I consistently lived in my head to escape the painful reality, which created a huge amount of emotional dysregulation and fragmentation.

But it hasn't been all bad. I moved to my dream city in 2018 and met loads of people whom I really clicked with and had a great time, with some great experiences. Nevertheless, my extreme hatred of my physical appearance and accompanying social anxiety has always prevented me from building genuine connections, apart from with a select few people. Furthermore, even when I have been in situations with girls which has lead to physical activity, I have been unable to perform sexually. I attribute this to my emotional dysregulation (faking it till you make it might work for some, for me it just meant I couldn't build a connection with the person - emotionally and physically)

To summarize: I am now 29 and half years old. To summarize how I feel - Anxious, knowing that I'm 29 and half and I have struggled to build a consistent identity and sense of self for my adolescence and early adult life. Even though there have been good times I'm not sure how much they meant, because I was 'living in my head' and not actually feeling it in a genuine sense.

The good news is that I know what works and how to get there. I know what makes me happy (music and reading) and I am really good at practicing mindfulness which helps me with emotional dysregulation. Nevertheless I struggle to implement this consistently (both enjoying my hobbies and also mindfulness), and I feel time is starting to run out. I can't have many more regrets.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
10,172
Location
England
Time running out for what?
For having children? If you are female, you have 5 or more years for that
Marriage will happen or not
Life is a journey, take the pressure off and go one day at a time
There is no rush
30 is a great birthday, life continues to become more understandable after 30
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
6,179
Location
Canada
Welcome to the forum. Time is not running out, you've got a long trip ahead of you.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
40,112
Location
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
hi x welcome x you never know what will happen ,greatness could be just around the corner for you x time is definitely not running out x
 
E

equinox92101

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2021
Messages
11
Location
Germany
Thanks for the encouraging words... the past can't be changed, but as mentioned in my last paragraph the good news is that I know what works for me and it's just a case of implementing it consistently.
 
W

wholovesthesun

New member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
2
Location
World
Most of the things you wrote resonate with me. Even the struggle to implement what works for you, but feeling that time is running out.

Only thing I feel like saying is hold on to those things you know you truly enjoy, in the long run they might become the routine, and your fear of not doing them consistently will slowly fade away as you will be actually doing them and living life!

I am lingering on this point of your message as I believe that from there then you can work your way back to the other points you mentioned. I basically see this building of a routine with activities to enjoy as the base to then treat the rest.
 
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