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anodyne

anodyne

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May 27, 2021
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I'm anodyne, i chose my username to reflect the feeling of apathy i feel towards every day life. Im 24, and ive had this near-persistent feeling of loneliness since at least my teen years. I grew up as a very lonely kid, the only child to a divorced couple. I moved around often as a younger child and never got to form childhood friendships. As a result i was always pretty distant from people througout middle school and hs and continue to feel extremely isolated to this day. It didn't help that i had a very different perspective of the world compared to other kids at public school given my background living in a communal agricultural setting for some time, being the son to a ukrainian immigrant father, and having two parents that were "a little cooky" in their beliefs, i.e. being anti-vaxx alternative medicinde conspiracy theory nuts. From the age of 9 i always wanted to be a writer, and throughout school english was always my favorite subject. I majored in english, graduated with honors despite always being a lazy student and not enjoying college life in the slightest, partially due to choosing to go to a cheap and school and never bothering to transfer. In all that time, ive felt this persistent wall between myself and others. I dont have any self-confidence, and that is drastically hurting my chances at a career, a social life, and any kind of romantic encounter. Currently, i have no friends, have not spoken to anyone outside of work and family for over a year and a half, work in retail, live at home where i sleep almost literally on my mother's couch, don't own a car, and use gaming and the internet to distract me from any kind of real self advancement. My body causes me daily anxiety, particularly since i pay for an overpriced gym membershop i hardly ever use.
I feel in my heart that the way ive been living my life for years does not reflect my values. I have not acted in a way that was aligned with my real, authentic self, and because of that i feel trapped and afraid of lost time. I don't have anything in my life i feel genuinely proud of, in fact the adjective i come to time and again to describe myself in my self-talk is pathetic. I have many regrets though, points i acted like a petulant, rude asshole. I can't handle things on my own, can't make and keep actual friends, can't even keep a decent job. I use gaming, porn, and the internet even though none of those things really fulfill me and i feel a deep loss the longer i continue living like this. I feel my potential wasting away but am too lazy or scared to change it and strike out on some new direction.
I'm hoping someone here can offer some advice or perspective on this. I like to think im open to constructive criticism and would benenit from some shaking up
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

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Oct 21, 2013
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6,596
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A comet
Hello anodyne, welcome to the forum.
 
albagobragh

albagobragh

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May 17, 2019
Messages
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UK
Hi @anodyne, welcome to the forum. The gym. Try to attend the gym and get an exercise plan from them, then follow it 2 or 3 times a week. It will work wonders for your self-esteem and self-confidence, will give you something to focus on, and will get you out of the house and give you a chance to meet new people. You are paying for it, so why not use it?
 
anodyne

anodyne

ACCOUNT CLOSED
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United States
Hey @albagobragh, thanks for your response. I've tried so many times to follow a routine, but i always get bored and lose focus. I try to go when it isn't busy since i hate working out around a lot of people, but the only time that happens when i'm off is very very early in the morning, so i end up skipping the gym more often than not. Also, the idea of meeting people at the gym has never made sense to me, especially since i have never been able to meet people through school/work/etc. with folks i see every single day.
Anyway, thanks for the advice, i really do appreciate it, i'll probably try a new routine starting next week. I've been in decent shape before and it does help somewhat with self confidence, even if it's like putting a band aid on over a larger issue.
 
miss_sensitivity

miss_sensitivity

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May 12, 2021
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New Zealand
Hello and welcome. You are not alone with your feelings here - I hope you find the support you need xx
 
K

Karma117

Member
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Jun 7, 2021
Messages
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Location
Uk
Hi and welcome. I think a routine outside of your daily routine would be good for you and I would also advise you to think about therapy as they can help with you with having a different outlook on situations and things happening in your life. I understand how it feels to constantly have people at arms length and to have no feelings towards them. It might be an automatic defence mechanism that you no longer realise you are doing. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, you have our support and I would like to hear how you get on. Take care of yourself
 
albagobragh

albagobragh

Well-known member
Joined
May 17, 2019
Messages
493
Location
UK
Hey @albagobragh, thanks for your response. I've tried so many times to follow a routine, but i always get bored and lose focus. I try to go when it isn't busy since i hate working out around a lot of people, but the only time that happens when i'm off is very very early in the morning, so i end up skipping the gym more often than not. Also, the idea of meeting people at the gym has never made sense to me, especially since i have never been able to meet people through school/work/etc. with folks i see every single day.
Anyway, thanks for the advice, i really do appreciate it, i'll probably try a new routine starting next week. I've been in decent shape before and it does help somewhat with self confidence, even if it's like putting a band aid on over a larger issue.
If you see the gym as a chore rather than something to enjoy, I guess it is easy to get bored and lose focus. When I've went, it always took me a while to 'get into it', but when I did it worked wonders for my self-confidence, glad to see this is something you identified with too. I agree that the gym isn't a social setting as such, but it gets you out of the house and around people, which I think is important. I agree that there is a larger issue to solve but baby steps. You are only 24 and have your life ahead of you, don't look back.
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

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Forum Guide
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Jun 16, 2020
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Norway
Hi anodyne welcome to the forum :welcome:
 
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