
Mitch
Well-known member
Hi all. I'm Mitch. 36yr old father of 1. I live alone & have done for the last 3 yrs now.
I've asked myself many times today, as to why I joined this forum after learning of it, & the answer I've found is that I'm looking for a bit of strength.
I'm diagnosed as manic depressive & I also suffer from extreme anxiety. Thats not to say I'm a miserable git & freak out all the time, though it seems thats how my life is lately. I'm not editing to type what I'm saying here & now, as I'll only delete it.
All my life I've been depressed, though it's only come to fruition the last 3 yrs. Growing up in care wasn't ideal, but it was what it was. That system taught me (or so I thought) that to suceed in life I needed to become the nuclear man with the 2.4 kids & all the things it brings. I've only discovered lately how much of a fool I'd been. Should've been love I sought, not acceptance.
Anyway, needless to say, I've been on most anti-dep pills, & atm I'm taking Trimipramine. & also taking nightly Temazepam &/or Zopiclone just to sleep.
My sleep has improved since quitting drink in Dec of 2007, though my world has become harsher, it seems a good trade off.
I have no family to support me, & also I can honestly say I have no friends, not the type who care for ME anyway.
All I have is my daughter. & believe me when I say I love her, she owns me, & I adore & cherish every hair on her 5yr old head. I ache for friday after school to arrive so that we're together, all w/e til' the sunday evening when I return her to her mother. The weekends I have purpose, life in me, I seem to become a different person. I love the 'me' then.
Yet come sunday nights, the absolute terror & worthless existence of my life kicks in.
& the last 6-8 weeks, this has grown to become it's own demon, in which the part of me without the strength to manage the 'life', is way too prevalent. I'm seriously f-ing struggling atm. I've never cried so much, or so pointlessly. The anchor that is my daughter for me, seems to be losing it's hold on me, & thats scaring the s**t outta me. My agoraphobia has become all too consuming, to the extent that I want to hurt the people i see in the world passing my window. The 'rules' somehow don't seem finite on showing the world how hurt/angry i am with it or me.
The world passes by my window yet I've never been so alone, for so long. I'm a nice loving caring guy, yet only it seems in the eyes of a beautiful 5yr old.
I feel that I've become just a role, not a person. My phone doesn't ring, my door doesn't knock, My life is too cold, & I'm so so so tired of it.
My GP is positively negative, sit down, heres your meds, plz leave, NEXT!!!
They've given me an appointment for my health at a medical centre 4 miles away at 9am in 3 weeks. It's amazingly laughable. I laugh & smile at them, myself & my tears, yet they anger & frustrate me.
I scream silently, & childlike at times. When i awake, I feel saddened.
This last week, it is as though I can feel my strength dissiapate as each hour passes. I know I'm in trouble here, real trouble, & I really do not know what to do. I can see my daughters crying heart if I wern't here, & that everyone is the strand I'm just about holding onto atm. What an all-consuming horrific way to justify the value of my own life.
So much for an introduction eh. Is this sharing? Is this why I'm here? No-matter how hard I try, I seem unable to look away from my life. I'm only looking for help afterall.
X
I've asked myself many times today, as to why I joined this forum after learning of it, & the answer I've found is that I'm looking for a bit of strength.
I'm diagnosed as manic depressive & I also suffer from extreme anxiety. Thats not to say I'm a miserable git & freak out all the time, though it seems thats how my life is lately. I'm not editing to type what I'm saying here & now, as I'll only delete it.
All my life I've been depressed, though it's only come to fruition the last 3 yrs. Growing up in care wasn't ideal, but it was what it was. That system taught me (or so I thought) that to suceed in life I needed to become the nuclear man with the 2.4 kids & all the things it brings. I've only discovered lately how much of a fool I'd been. Should've been love I sought, not acceptance.
Anyway, needless to say, I've been on most anti-dep pills, & atm I'm taking Trimipramine. & also taking nightly Temazepam &/or Zopiclone just to sleep.
My sleep has improved since quitting drink in Dec of 2007, though my world has become harsher, it seems a good trade off.
I have no family to support me, & also I can honestly say I have no friends, not the type who care for ME anyway.
All I have is my daughter. & believe me when I say I love her, she owns me, & I adore & cherish every hair on her 5yr old head. I ache for friday after school to arrive so that we're together, all w/e til' the sunday evening when I return her to her mother. The weekends I have purpose, life in me, I seem to become a different person. I love the 'me' then.
Yet come sunday nights, the absolute terror & worthless existence of my life kicks in.
& the last 6-8 weeks, this has grown to become it's own demon, in which the part of me without the strength to manage the 'life', is way too prevalent. I'm seriously f-ing struggling atm. I've never cried so much, or so pointlessly. The anchor that is my daughter for me, seems to be losing it's hold on me, & thats scaring the s**t outta me. My agoraphobia has become all too consuming, to the extent that I want to hurt the people i see in the world passing my window. The 'rules' somehow don't seem finite on showing the world how hurt/angry i am with it or me.
The world passes by my window yet I've never been so alone, for so long. I'm a nice loving caring guy, yet only it seems in the eyes of a beautiful 5yr old.
I feel that I've become just a role, not a person. My phone doesn't ring, my door doesn't knock, My life is too cold, & I'm so so so tired of it.
My GP is positively negative, sit down, heres your meds, plz leave, NEXT!!!
They've given me an appointment for my health at a medical centre 4 miles away at 9am in 3 weeks. It's amazingly laughable. I laugh & smile at them, myself & my tears, yet they anger & frustrate me.
I scream silently, & childlike at times. When i awake, I feel saddened.
This last week, it is as though I can feel my strength dissiapate as each hour passes. I know I'm in trouble here, real trouble, & I really do not know what to do. I can see my daughters crying heart if I wern't here, & that everyone is the strand I'm just about holding onto atm. What an all-consuming horrific way to justify the value of my own life.
So much for an introduction eh. Is this sharing? Is this why I'm here? No-matter how hard I try, I seem unable to look away from my life. I'm only looking for help afterall.
X