Hey All

[Mitch]

Hi all. I'm Mitch. 36yr old father of 1. I live alone & have done for the last 3 yrs now.
I've asked myself many times today, as to why I joined this forum after learning of it, & the answer I've found is that I'm looking for a bit of strength.

I'm diagnosed as manic depressive & I also suffer from extreme anxiety. Thats not to say I'm a miserable git & freak out all the time, though it seems thats how my life is lately. I'm not editing to type what I'm saying here & now, as I'll only delete it.

All my life I've been depressed, though it's only come to fruition the last 3 yrs. Growing up in care wasn't ideal, but it was what it was. That system taught me (or so I thought) that to suceed in life I needed to become the nuclear man with the 2.4 kids & all the things it brings. I've only discovered lately how much of a fool I'd been. Should've been love I sought, not acceptance.
Anyway, needless to say, I've been on most anti-dep pills, & atm I'm taking Trimipramine. & also taking nightly Temazepam &/or Zopiclone just to sleep.
My sleep has improved since quitting drink in Dec of 2007, though my world has become harsher, it seems a good trade off.
I have no family to support me, & also I can honestly say I have no friends, not the type who care for ME anyway.
All I have is my daughter. & believe me when I say I love her, she owns me, & I adore & cherish every hair on her 5yr old head. I ache for friday after school to arrive so that we're together, all w/e til' the sunday evening when I return her to her mother. The weekends I have purpose, life in me, I seem to become a different person. I love the 'me' then.
Yet come sunday nights, the absolute terror & worthless existence of my life kicks in.
& the last 6-8 weeks, this has grown to become it's own demon, in which the part of me without the strength to manage the 'life', is way too prevalent. I'm seriously f-ing struggling atm. I've never cried so much, or so pointlessly. The anchor that is my daughter for me, seems to be losing it's hold on me, & thats scaring the s**t outta me. My agoraphobia has become all too consuming, to the extent that I want to hurt the people i see in the world passing my window. The 'rules' somehow don't seem finite on showing the world how hurt/angry i am with it or me.
The world passes by my window yet I've never been so alone, for so long. I'm a nice loving caring guy, yet only it seems in the eyes of a beautiful 5yr old.
I feel that I've become just a role, not a person. My phone doesn't ring, my door doesn't knock, My life is too cold, & I'm so so so tired of it.
My GP is positively negative, sit down, heres your meds, plz leave, NEXT!!!
They've given me an appointment for my health at a medical centre 4 miles away at 9am in 3 weeks. It's amazingly laughable. I laugh & smile at them, myself & my tears, yet they anger & frustrate me.
I scream silently, & childlike at times. When i awake, I feel saddened.
This last week, it is as though I can feel my strength dissiapate as each hour passes. I know I'm in trouble here, real trouble, & I really do not know what to do. I can see my daughters crying heart if I wern't here, & that everyone is the strand I'm just about holding onto atm. What an all-consuming horrific way to justify the value of my own life.
So much for an introduction eh. Is this sharing? Is this why I'm here? No-matter how hard I try, I seem unable to look away from my life. I'm only looking for help afterall.

X

 

[Ashami]

Hello Mitch

to MH Forum

What a powerful, heart-wrenching introduction. I feel for you so much and wish I could give you a hug, tell you it's going to be alright, wave that magic wand and take your pain away...

I can say that you will find support and friendship here, people who understand and empathize, help you to feel less alone.

Thank you for sharing your story, so beautifully descriptive, heavy with emotions - both love & despair. I really believe the act of committing your feelings to words very cathartic so please, keep on writing.

One word has helped me thru those dark days, and years - it is Hope. Hold onto hope with as much strength as you can muster, and have faith that there is light at the end of the tunnel no matter how little may be visible atm.

 

[Twylight]

Hi Mitch, and welcome to the forum
I'm a 48 year old paranoid schizophrenic, I live alone and have no children - I have siblings, but they are all in Australia
I get angry with the whole world but I usually sleep it off and start the day again - i'm always eatin' breakfast !
I force myself to ride a mountain bike and once i'm out on the road it's quite enjoyable.
I'm trying to write a story about a caving expedition - something I used to do when I was ' Well '.
Twylight.

 

[Dollit]

Hi Mitch - I identify with some of the things you say very much. Outwardly I'm very successful and inwardly sometimes it feels I'm just dying by inches. But I get support and encouragement here. Some friends are very special and they know they are. Keep coming back - it's a good place.

 

[Thumbelina]

suport

Hi Mitch
Tons of support and admiration coming your way.
Keep talking, keep writing, keep going- you are stronger than you realise.

I changed my GP from an unsymapthetic one who rolled her eyes ceiling ward and sighed with impatience when I asked for antidepressants on one occasion. I was very vulnerable at the time and her reaction added to my angst big time. I now have a supportive and respectful GP who hears me
Thumbelina

 

[mikebrowne]

hi mitch
you are among friends. come online here and chat. you have made the first step. it is fantastic that you have your lovely little girl and dont give up because she needs you and you need her.
we have and do suffer in one way or another.
yes if you dont get satisfaction from your doctor change doctors. this is your life and try for you sake and your daughters, to get the best you can from it.
people do care, remember the people passing by your window may be in dire straits too.
do you have a support group you can go to. is there mind or some such group you could go to and get support.
just remember, people care. will you be able to manage to get to the medical centre for the medical, because of your agorophobia or is that a concern for you?

 

[Mitch]

hi mitch
will you be able to manage to get to the medical centre for the medical, because of your agorophobia or is that a concern for you?

That is a seriously major concern for me. I went there about a year ago, & when i was there I simply freaked out & became verbally & physically confrontational I was so freaked out. I'm going to my GP centre 2moro to attempt to make an app' for him to help me get 'them' out here to me. Otherwise it's going to be a non-starter. Luckily for me, my GP is literally right across the road from me, though it's app' system drives me insane. 2/3 weeks for an app' & then it's only a maybe. It's insane.

I'd like to thank you all for your support & kind words. Today has been less 'hopeless' for me. Possibly as I posted here last night, & I found that edge of strength I so desperately needed. & that in turn, helped me today. I'm also one day closer to friday, to my daughter time.

Today I've only been preocupied mentally with the rope scenario, but unable to go out & buy some. So funnily ironic. What I think & how I feel are two differing entities atm.

Thankyou all for more than you think since last night. Wish me luck with my GP in the morning.

Peace & Love X

 

[Ashami]

Great to hear that you are holding onto hope Mitch. If today has been less hopeless then it must also have been more hopeful

Good Luck for your appointment tomorrow, let us know how you get on. Friday is already less than 24 hours away

 

[Thumbelina]

keep communicating

Hi Mitch
I would like to hear how you get on with your GP tomorrow too. Imagine the whole forum behind you as you deal with this challenge. You are not alone with this stuff.

5 days ago I left my sister's house on a beautiful evening with an amazing sunset- knowing that I had spent time with her and her family for the last time. It was so poignant(my sister and niece are to me what it sounds like your daughter is to you-very very special) I couldn't go on, felt worthless hopeless and desperate for it all to stop. I went home and wrote my wishes for how to divide my posessions etc after I was gone and spent half the night shredding paperwork and stuff to make it easier for my sister to deal with my affairs.
I had a choice of 2 scenarios in my mind of how to end it all.

Here I am 5 days later having emerged from that dreadful black abyss with renewed hope and strength.
A lot of the turnaround I believe has been due to talking and interacting with people who I can say these things to. Although their support of me and compliments about my worthiness didn't fully reach me- it has been enough.

I might sound tiny by my name but I'm sending you huge suppport.
Thumbelina

 

[mikebrowne]

Hi mitch
I hope everything goes ok for you at the doctors. It is unacceptable that you should have to wait three weeks for a doctors appointment to be able to get an home call from the psychiatric care team.
Have you seen the home team before and did you find them helpful.
you shuld be able to get a home visit for your agorophobia and really push for that.
Try not to get aggressive with the people manning the surgery, they are all part of a system that they are caught up in and probably work there for the money rather than anything else, although they probably do care.
I think a lot of problems are caused by the doctors, nurses etc because they generally speaking, dont have any real understanding of mental health.
Like you say, it is one day nearer to seeing your little princess. Hope you have a great time together.
But before the weekend kicks in and you dont want to miss precious time with her, let us know how you get on with the doctor.
Take care.

 

[mikebrowne]

What I meant to say to you, or rather ask you
Do you have a number you can phone to get in touch with immediate help?
Where I live, I can phone the Mental Health Team and they will chat to you on the phone and give help and support. You need to find that out.
They will push appointments forward if you are in desperation.
If you have then give them a call.
Hope you are okay mate.

 

[Mitch]

Hi Mitch
I would like to hear how you get on with your GP tomorrow too. Imagine the whole forum behind you as you deal with this challenge.
I might sound tiny by my name but I'm sending you huge suppport.
Thumbelina

My GP's phone lines opened at 0800. I started ringing at 0803. At 0804 the rec' (only 1 on switchboard mind) answered & replied to me that all app' for today had gone. I questioned the take-up of all 35 app' in 3 minutes. At that stage she knew that I knew she was lying. Phone went dead.
The surgery doors opened at 0830 & I went straight in. Different rec' on counter. Asked for app', told all gone. Asked for soonest one. Told to ring back @ 0800 next thurs morning, to make an app' for the following week (2 weeks time). I said I want a house-call for today. The phone rec' in the back suddenly pipes up, "Was it you who rang earlier? I made you an app' for 1430 next thursday".

That's my Dr's for you.

What I meant to say to you, or rather ask you
Do you have a number you can phone to get in touch with immediate help?
Hope you are okay mate.

I have the number of the centre where I'm supposed to be going on the 3rd Oct. Rang them last friday. They said to go through my GP.

Friday is already less than 24 hours away

I know. Hours seem like days/weeks.


9am & already I feel spent. Heartrate through the roof, eyes just wanting to tear. Just want a bit of peace & quiet in me. I wish I didn't smoke, so I could take it up!


Cheers people. I can honestly say this place gives me 'pause'.

Peace & Love X

 

[Thumbelina]

Hi

Hi Mitch
I am horrified at the way you are being treated by your GP's staff.
I'm thinking of you a lot.
How are you feeling?
Thumbelina

 

[Mitch]

At 2pm I phoned the Mental Health Centre I had the app' for, & explained my inability to get to them, so please would they send somedody to my home instead. Their response was that, my GP would need to inform them of my condition, & they would respond accordingly.
Went to my GP's just now, explained this to the rec', who kindly informed the GP inbetween patients.
He called me over & said, I shit you not, "I'll write to the psychiatrist again to see if he can see you here". (meaning at the GP surgery)

I really don't know how better to ask for help here. I need it NOW, not later.

I'm in that place where tears are running freely. I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying.

How else do I ask for help? Hurt myself, somebody else? (rhetorical).

How?

 

[Dollit]

Mitch is there anybody at all that you can give permission to to intercede on your behalf?