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Here's to the beginning of a **** new year. (NSFW)

B

BorderlineBetty

New member
Joined
Dec 31, 2015
Messages
1
So this year sucked

Over the summer I got drunk with a crush of mine. She has bipolar, I have BPD, we connected. I got really wasted, she seemed to get tipsy, and she started begging me to go down on her. I didn't want to do it, but she started telling me that she loved me, and that she thought I was perfect, so I felt compelled to. I did it for 5 minutes tops, and I kept stopping because I just didn't want to do it and I made it as apparent as possible. Later she starts throwing up and freaking out, claiming she needs a hospital. I didn't understand, because she had drunk a lot less than I had, and throwing up after drinking doesn't require medical assistance, you know? In the end she called an ambulance herself, but when paramedics came, she just ran off. Leaving me to deal with them.

The next day she changes her phone and I don't hear from her for months. I was absolutely devastated. I broke down completely. My grades slipped, I started self harming again, I became a full blown alcoholic. I finally felt like I met somebody who understood me, and what does she do? Tell me a bunch of porky pies about how much she loves me, and leaves, just like everyone else in my life has done.

Fast forward to now, and I finally plucked up the courage to message her calling her out for her behaviour. Allegedly she claims she doesn't remember anything and freaked out because she got paranoid and thought I slipped something in her drink (which is just beyond messed up like what????), according to her, when people with bipolar get manic, they can forget things. I don't know if I totally believe that, tbh. She apologises, we meet up and I tell her how this whole situation has damaged me. I ask her to be truthful from then on, she accepts that. Yesterday I found out she lied about something else, so I decided to confront her. She went on to say that, because I'm bigger and already had drinking problems, I could have easily have said no. She then says she doesn't think we should stay in touch. She doesn't know how she can fix this.

My stupid impulsive reaction? beg her not to and to tell her that I love her and forgive her. Do I love her? No, I don't know, maybe, I like her. I loved her in that split moment. Do I forgive her? Not yet. I just feel like she is expecting things to go back to normal straight away and I need time?? I hate the fact she is so keen to just throw away everything we had to that point, especially when I have already said that I am working on forgiving her?

I just need time. We both do. I want to move on from this, and still have her in my life. I just hate how pushy she is being. I don't know what she expects of me? I want to take things slow, recover from what happened, and see how it goes. The idea of losing her all over again is killing me. I don't expect her to keep apologising, or magically change what happened, I just want her to be able to rationally talk to me.

Should I even bother? What should I do?

I just feel utterly gutted. I feel so pathetic and weak.
 
amathus

amathus

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 23, 2010
Messages
16,323
Location
goodness knows!
Hi and :welcome: to the Forum.

I hope that with support you can work on your feelings
and reach a conclusion that you are happy with.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,161
So this year sucked

Over the summer I got drunk with a crush of mine. She has bipolar, I have BPD, we connected. I got really wasted, she seemed to get tipsy, and she started begging me to go down on her. I didn't want to do it, but she started telling me that she loved me, and that she thought I was perfect, so I felt compelled to. I did it for 5 minutes tops, and I kept stopping because I just didn't want to do it and I made it as apparent as possible. Later she starts throwing up and freaking out, claiming she needs a hospital. I didn't understand, because she had drunk a lot less than I had, and throwing up after drinking doesn't require medical assistance, you know? In the end she called an ambulance herself, but when paramedics came, she just ran off. Leaving me to deal with them.

The next day she changes her phone and I don't hear from her for months. I was absolutely devastated. I broke down completely. My grades slipped, I started self harming again, I became a full blown alcoholic. I finally felt like I met somebody who understood me, and what does she do? Tell me a bunch of porky pies about how much she loves me, and leaves, just like everyone else in my life has done.

Fast forward to now, and I finally plucked up the courage to message her calling her out for her behaviour. Allegedly she claims she doesn't remember anything and freaked out because she got paranoid and thought I slipped something in her drink (which is just beyond messed up like what????), according to her, when people with bipolar get manic, they can forget things. I don't know if I totally believe that, tbh. She apologises, we meet up and I tell her how this whole situation has damaged me. I ask her to be truthful from then on, she accepts that. Yesterday I found out she lied about something else, so I decided to confront her. She went on to say that, because I'm bigger and already had drinking problems, I could have easily have said no. She then says she doesn't think we should stay in touch. She doesn't know how she can fix this.

My stupid impulsive reaction? beg her not to and to tell her that I love her and forgive her. Do I love her? No, I don't know, maybe, I like her. I loved her in that split moment. Do I forgive her? Not yet. I just feel like she is expecting things to go back to normal straight away and I need time?? I hate the fact she is so keen to just throw away everything we had to that point, especially when I have already said that I am working on forgiving her?

I just need time. We both do. I want to move on from this, and still have her in my life. I just hate how pushy she is being. I don't know what she expects of me? I want to take things slow, recover from what happened, and see how it goes. The idea of losing her all over again is killing me. I don't expect her to keep apologising, or magically change what happened, I just want her to be able to rationally talk to me.

Should I even bother? What should I do?

I just feel utterly gutted. I feel so pathetic and weak.
Hi Betty

if you love them set them free x

Best

BDU
 
M

MisterPositive

Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2016
Messages
17
I made a song and video based on my own experience with BPD along with my own coping strategies which got me completely off of meds and happy :)
https://youtu.be/7hobk-EXmxY

For the New Year, I made 3 lists: one of daily distractions and another one of solutions to counter them. Then I made a list of goals for the year. I went from demotivated and existentially stressed to the complete opposite within the hour!
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,161
I made a song and video based on my own experience with BPD along with my own coping strategies which got me completely off of meds and happy :)
https://youtu.be/7hobk-EXmxY

For the New Year, I made 3 lists: one of daily distractions and another one of solutions to counter them. Then I made a list of goals for the year. I went from demotivated and existentially stressed to the complete opposite within the hour!

gotta love BPD

we are talking minutes and hours of mood change not days and weeks

Overlay it with Bipolar such as my case and There's A Party Every Day

:(
 
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