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Here I am, again.


Molon Labve

Mar 17, 2020
So, it's been a while since I introduced my self and my struggling in this post.

One year and 3 months after being dumped, and 1 year and 2 months after starting therapy I am feeling like the crappiest person alive.

I obviously didn't manage to move on and rip off my emotional link to my ex. Things that happen in her life with her new partner affect me in a way it shouldn't. I tried everything I could to let the past in the past, and that included try not to care anymore, something that I simply can't because the invasive thoughts are always hitting my head, so letting it behind just didn't happen.

After so much time in the medicines and therapy, appart from some mild periods of time, I am always sad and pessimist. And it goes to an extent that exceeds the menthal and goes to the physical matters. Like since sunday I am as sad as I was 1 year ago, and it makes me feel lightheaded, dizzy and with no energy nor will at all.
I've tried to socialize, let the past behind and find someone new, but things went not too good as well. I have the social skills of a chicken that runs on the bare sight of other creatures, and living along the most sociable people in the world doesn't happen. Here in Brazil you are just considered as an unlikeable person if you are not sociable. People utimately rejects who isn't always around at social events, and believe me, there is A LOT of it here. I am also a totally social awkward person and I just can't improve: today I was at the funeral of my best friend, like really best, who I grew up with, and I didn't manage to talk to his sister and his wife (that happens to dislike me for a reason I don't have a clue what is) because I was too anxious and feeling shy.
Also my so called "career" is just stalled. I thought about getting another job but this scared me to death, because I just can't cope with even the minimum risk, and looking backwards it seems I've massively failed everytime I did so.
I have no confidence at all. My self esteem which never was too high righ now is as close to the ground as a tortoise's belly is.
Every single day is a battle to get out of bed. I am starting to feel hopless. I don't want to die, both because I have huge fear of dying and because I believe it is the ultimate sin. But I don't feel like living anymore. The way things are going I am realizing I'll end up as a lonely person, and it utterly hurts me, because I hate to be alone.
The worst of all is that I have an objectively ok life. My parents love me and give me all the support. My job is just ok. I am grateful that I have a ceiling over my head and food on my plate every day, but it also makes me hate myself a little because I shouldn't be this sad. I tried to suck it up and man up, stop complaining, but, again, things didn't go as expected.

So I really appreciate if you have reached this point of the reading, and I'm sorry it is so long, but it is like an outburst for me.

Molon Labve

Mar 17, 2020
Just a correction, my personal story is described in this post instead of the one I linked above, eventhough that one has some information too.
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