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Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2013
Messages
10,131
MToday was a horrible horrible day. You would think I would be used to it by now but everytime I get lower and lower. Last time I'm trusting any man, at least the ones around here. I cannot handle this again. I know there are good men out there but I've never met one aside from my brother.

This has made my life so much worse. And I can't talk to anybody in real life about it. My mom encouraged me to go to the hospital when I told her my stomach and pelvix area hurt really bad but I'm on birth control so I won't get pregnant. And soon I go for a yearly check up and they will check for STDs. I have been through an exam before. It's humiliating enough right now. I can't be in front of a male police officer naked.

Can't do it. Today has been a very stressful day. Most of it was real life stuff. I'm so close, yet so far away from killing myself.

I don't need to be blamed for this. I don't deserve support. I know I dont. So I'm sure this will get skipped over which whatever I needed to get this out. I'm not going to self harm or kill myself right now. If only I lived alone. But I don't live alone. And won't allow the chance of my brothers finding ME.

I wish there was a death with dignity law in my state. DID and Bipolar are terminal disorders. Eventually they will make me kill myself. So why can't a doctor help me kill myself?
 
Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2013
Messages
10,131
Really really low. Can't tell Sue how low, she will call the police. Really wish I knew that my brothers would be ok if I died.

My mom lost a sister when she was 10, she seems ok now. They would forget about ME snd only talk about me badly.

Nobody in my graduating class of 136 has died. We graduated in 2008. I somewhat want to be the first casualty. It's a matter of time before I die.

Listening to my go-to music for when I'm having a hard day.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Joined
Jul 8, 2013
Messages
34,911
Location
Mordor
I hope it gets better for you linc. hang in there.
 
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SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
You seem really really down, Lincoln. :sorry:

I'm sorry to hear it. Do you not think you could have a conversation with Sue about how tough things are? Do you think that you could explain you're worried that she may phone the police, and that you don't want that to happen because you'll feel more distressed?

As far as your mother seeming ok having lost her sister at a young age, sure she may be living her life now, but I bet that pain is still raw in her heart.
If you were to leave, she wouldn't forget. I bet she'd be absolutely devastated.
Oh and i'm not saying this to make you feel bad hunny - I just want you to realise people care about you much more than you realise. :hug1:
 
Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

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Joined
Jan 18, 2013
Messages
10,131
I just feel like giving up. Everytime I get ahead something takes ahold of the situation and breaks me down even further. I'm so done. I thought getting a job would be okay but its so stressful. Especially with tax season.

I'm such a slut, I'm so stupid.
 
P

Purple butterfly

Guest
What makes you say your a slut? Your not by the way....

Work is stressful. I hate it but I go to keep me focused on something other than my mental health

Sorry I can't be much more use x
 
Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

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Jan 18, 2013
Messages
10,131
Because I must ask for it. That must be the reason it keeps happening.
 
P

Purple butterfly

Guest
Listen to me right now even if you don't listen to anything I ever say again...

No one asks for it!!!! And the people who do it to you are * inserting lots of swear words *

Never ever blame yourself x
 
Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

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Joined
Jan 18, 2013
Messages
10,131
I can barely function. I'm too much in shock. I feel to blame, but you all say I'm not. I need sleep.

I'm trying not to be myself. I'm trying to be the happy-go lucky person that everyone expects me to be. I'm putting on a mask so I don't get asked what happened over the weekend. I can't say it outloud yet. I can barely type the word. I cried so much yesterday. he ripped my clothes. I'm sore. I can barely walk. but it is what it is.

I know I should have gone to the police. He threatened me and said if I go he will find me and kill my family and I. I can't be responsible for someone else's death.

This sucks really bad.
 
P

Purple butterfly

Guest
Hunni, he's trying to scare you and I can see your scared with bloody good reason, but your not to blame I can promise you that.

I don't know you very well and from what I've read your always there ready to support other people and that takes so much courage when your dealing with the things you are x

Please don't ever feel your to blame and it's not to late to go to the police but that's your choice and no matter what choice you make people will be here ready to support you x x
 
P

Purple butterfly

Guest
I know you are sweetheart..... You've got very good reason to be....x
 
Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

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Joined
Jan 18, 2013
Messages
10,131
I can't close my eyes without seeing something. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this
 
P

Purple butterfly

Guest
You are strong enough

Of course you are!

My suggestion is tell someone you trust and write it down if you have to and go from there x I'd normally suggest the police but I can understand why you wouldn't x
 
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