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Helping my boyfriend with depression. Very lost with where to go or how to help.

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help123

New member
Joined
Feb 22, 2015
Messages
3
Helping my boyfriend with depression. Very lost with where to go or how to help.

So my boyfriend (25) and I (20) have been together for 3 and a half years.
It has been quite a tough journey with him telling me he has depression from the beginning. Honestly, I had no idea what depression really meant or how to help or deal with it. He was recently diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome as well which helps to explain a lot of things.

The thing is I am finding it hard to find the balance between girlfriend and carer. I helped to much and started doing his washing, finding his clothes, waking him up in the morning, driving him to work, constantly texting and calling him to find out if he is ok.
It has gotten to the point where I know he depends on me and because he knows I'll do these things for him, he doesn't try to do them himself.
Every time I try to stop doing these things, it goes down hill. For example; he will wake up late or not at all for work and his boss will call him but he doesn't hear the phone.
I know that I need to take a step back and let him make his own mistakes but honestly how can I let him lose his job, let his flat get dirty, let him be without clean clothes.
I am all for helping him, and his recovery is very important to me. I want to help, but I don't want to enable him to become even more dependent on me than he is now because it isn't helpful for either of us.

So my question is how do i help someone that doesn't help themselves and how do I turn this relationship around so that it become fun and enjoyable again instead of me being his mother?

tips anything to help someone who is depressed. I'd love to hear stories from both sides of the table.
Thanks for reading.
xoxoxoxo:nod1:
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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May 30, 2012
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Location
small town Ontario, Canada
I'm not the best one to give advice on this as I am guilty of enabling to a certain extent with my own boys,(men now) living with me. In my case though the illness' of my boys are quite severe. I would suggest however not to try to be his everything as you put it, you can become so immersed in it that it just gets to be overwhelming for you. You have essentially become his caregiver in taking on all this responsibility. Maybe you can try to set some guidelines in the amount you are willing to do for him. Even write it out what your willing to do. Don't load it all on at once though, take it in very small steps, maybe insist he does the laundry just once a week, dishes once a week in the beginning, one supper for you both. Tell him you are too busy yourself to make him get up out of bed to go to work and that expectation on you is unfair.

Is he seeing a therapist? I ask because I've had in the past spouses who've expected me to be their therapists as well their as spouse and refused all professional help because of those expectations. It never ended well, because when things went wrong for them, they would turn it around and blame me. It did become a game of emotional manipulation. Many times too they would fight the advice I had offered. So it's important in my opinion that you separate yourself a little from that type of thing and encourage him to work through it with his therapist or mental health support workers.

I would encourage him to own responsibility for his mh and work with a professional as much as possible.
 
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help123

New member
Joined
Feb 22, 2015
Messages
3
Hi, thanks for replying. I have suggested that tomorrow we establish some new boundaries and make some new plans. I will talk directly to him about what we will do to make sure he is more independent. However, we have done this before and it usually results in me going back to what I was doing because i can't bear too see him not doing those things for himself. Hopefully I can be strong and let him fail a few things so he realizes that he needs to start looking for some professional help as well as recognizing that he needs to help himself.
 
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