- Jul 24, 2009
I haven’t ever wrote in anything like this, so if I stuff up, I’m sorry, I suppose I am just lost, looking for someone who can tell me what to do, for some support and guidance. Also if I am writing this in the wrong place or I am just ‘going on’ I apologise.
Well here it goes. I am a ‘normal’ 16 year old girl from Kent who has just finished with the stress of GCSEs, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink excessively, I get good grades in school, have never got in trouble with the police, I’m polite to teachers and that, respect people, I just like listening to music and just chilling out with my friends. I put normal in quotation marks because that is what people think. I’m not normal I know that. My friends (bar one) don’t know what really goes on with me, they know I have mood swings, can be stressy and have a short temper, but they just put it down to hormones. It’s not. Well some of it may be but they don’t know the truth. It’s not that I don’t trust any of my friends, I’m not sure what it is – why I’m not telling them the truth, I sort of think it’s because I don’t want to lose them, to be judged – to be seen as a ‘freak’ or whatever. To be honest I’m not sure what to put on here. Well scare of what to put on here. Firstly with what only about 4 of my closest and most trusted friends know, I am a self harmer. Those friends know this but they don’t know why, only one does. It’s not because I’m looking for attention, trying to be a part of a group, or because the GCSEs are too stressful. It’s because I get told to, well I have to ‘or else’. I hear voices mainly one sometimes more. I have done for around 5 or so years. I don’t know why. And it scares me greatly. It tells me to cut or ‘bad things’ will happen to my friends and the people I love and am close to. ‘blood for blood’. I don’t fully understand it but I know if I don’t do it something bad will happen. Or if I have an argument with someone it ‘winds me up’ mimicking the insults or the things that have been said until I punch out at a wall or whatever, I barely ever hit people unless I get very angry then I don’t realise what I am doing until after.
Once I didn’t cut when I was told to, and a couple of days later I found out my best mate had self harmed, I convinced myself this was because I didn’t do it so it hurt her instead, I felt over come with guilt, I felt so terrible that this had happened and it was my fault. I felt rock bottom, the lowest of the low. I couldn’t look my mate in the eye for days maybe weeks. This friend is the same one that knows about me hearing it so I told her, she told me repeatedly that it wasn’t because of the voice and that it was her own ‘stupid mistake’, but I didn’t believe her, I thought this was the moment I saw the ‘power of the voice’ in action, me and her drifted apart for a while things didn’t feel comfortable around each other like normal, I think this was because I believed it was my fault and couldn’t look her in the eye. Until I felt so low I thought I would do something about it, I am asthmatic and I was just thinking about what I had done and what was my fault and I took some drugs not an OD but some drugs I know I wasn’t allowed to take with my asthma, I had a big attack and was taken to hospital. They didn’t find out about the drugs and blamed it on the weather and I was sent home the following day. When my mate found out she did have ago at me, she had every right to, and she again was saying It wasn’t the voice that made her do it – to be honest I still am not sure if it was or not. But I tried to put it to the back of my mind because I could see it was effecting my friendship, I didn’t want to lose my best friend, the only one that knows the truth, the only one that had been there for me. Well she told me that I should try writing on one of these forum things. So here I am.
I have heard voices as I said for 5 or so years, it just happened, the only thing I can think of that happened around 5 years ago was the death of my Nan who I was extremely close to. The voice wasn’t frequent at that time. Just now and then, I was just 11 or so, I didn’t understand what was happening, not at all, so I didn’t tell anyone. But lately maybe due to stress or hormones or whatever I don’t know, things have got worse, more frequent, sometime I could hear it every day for maybe a week or so, then it can stop for weeks or just be now and then, but I am too embarrassed and afraid of being judged and losing my friends to get help or tell people. I now self harm almost every day, even if I don’t hear it, I’m not sure if it’s as a Precaution, a way of coping or maybe just a habit. If I don’t have a razor blade on me or know where one is I feel anxious and can’t sit still or think about anything other than not knowing where one is. I went through a faze where when I entered a room even if at someone else’s house I could scan the room and find things that I could used to cut, pathetic and sick I know. A couple of my close friends know about my cutting as they have seen the cuts on my palms or knuckles (I don’t slit my wrists, just hands, hips, tops of legs and rarely but sometimes bottom of legs and tops of arms and underside of boobs) they just don’t know why, I just say it’s my way of dealing with things, basically I Lie to them, I lie a lot, too much to the people I care about, it is just excuse after excuse.
I don’t only hear ‘the voice’ sometimes I see things that are not there, feel things which are not there. The visions are sometimes very frightening; yep it scares me, a lot. That probably sounds stupid or pathetic that I am scare of something that isn’t even there. I have also quite often have had suicidal thoughts and at 16 have attempted suicide 4 or so times over the last 2 years. Without my best mate the one who knows about the voice I don’t think I would be here now.
Most nights I find it impossible to sleep, sometimes because I can hear it sometimes just unable to turn my brain off, there is too much going on in my head. When I do sleep at night I will wake up in the morning still tired as if I haven’t slept a wink. After hearing it or seeing something I feel tired and I feel unbelievably drained the whole time. My mum just thinks I’m moody or hormonal, just a ‘horrible teenager’. Hearing it is getting more often and I don’t know what to do. I spoke to the only person about it and asked if she believes I should go to the doctors or something, she told me about someone she knows in a mental hospital with Schizophrenia and she said it made things worse for him she told me to post on something like this. So I have, and have no idea what to do now.
I am often afraid when I hear it particularly when I’m around people in case they know I’m hearing it and judge me, because of this I am yet to get a job as I am scared I will hear it when at work, I have only just after about 2 years started going out with my mates regularly again because I was scared they would hear me hearing it or something, I am still scared of this when I go out now.
I am a pretender. I pretend to everyone that everyone is okay. It’s so hard to pretend that nothing is going on. I try to shut myself off from people, I don’t let people get too close (besides that one mate), I push people away, I lose mates over it, I feel incredibly uncomfortable walking into a room of people even if they are mates, I feel as though everyone of them are looking at me knowing I hear it and are judging me. If my mates make jokes about being crazy or joke about self harmers (those who don’t know about me) or hearing voices I can’t help thinking they are taking about me, laughing about me.
My family life is terrible, my mum suffers from depression, she is so hard to live with I know it isn’t her fault but anything will make her depressed, if she isn’t sad she is angry and this gets taken out on me, either by having a go at me for nothing or having digs at me (normally about my weight – she was anorexic at my age and I am quite obviously not). It is mostly after arguments with my mum which I hear it worse. Rapid changes of emotion normally make me hear it. Such as if I get upset or angry all of a sudden.
What do I do? I am never sure what is real and what isn’t any more, because of my seeing and hearing things. I am also very hard of hearing partly death maybe, I have to repeatedly ask people to repeat things, I am afraid if my hearing gets a lot worst and I go completely deaf it will just be mean and the voice. As sometimes listening to music or getting involved with conversations can overpower the voice as such.
I don’t know what to do, any advice is welcome but please do not judge me and write harsh comments about what I have said. I don’t mind questions within reason, but I just want help but I’m too scared to tell a doctor or someone like that. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I insane or something? I know I’m not normal no matter how much I wish I was, wish I was someone else, anyone but me. I just don’t know what to do. Everything is just getting increasingly difficult to hide and to keep people from knowing. Could anyone tell me what is wrong with me? Have I inherited my mum’s depression or am I like I said, just insane.
From a confused teenager