help?

[A_Normal_Girl]

I haven’t ever wrote in anything like this, so if I stuff up, I’m sorry, I suppose I am just lost, looking for someone who can tell me what to do, for some support and guidance. Also if I am writing this in the wrong place or I am just ‘going on’ I apologise.

Well here it goes. I am a ‘normal’ 16 year old girl from Kent who has just finished with the stress of GCSEs, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink excessively, I get good grades in school, have never got in trouble with the police, I’m polite to teachers and that, respect people, I just like listening to music and just chilling out with my friends. I put normal in quotation marks because that is what people think. I’m not normal I know that. My friends (bar one) don’t know what really goes on with me, they know I have mood swings, can be stressy and have a short temper, but they just put it down to hormones. It’s not. Well some of it may be but they don’t know the truth. It’s not that I don’t trust any of my friends, I’m not sure what it is – why I’m not telling them the truth, I sort of think it’s because I don’t want to lose them, to be judged – to be seen as a ‘freak’ or whatever. To be honest I’m not sure what to put on here. Well scare of what to put on here. Firstly with what only about 4 of my closest and most trusted friends know, I am a self harmer. Those friends know this but they don’t know why, only one does. It’s not because I’m looking for attention, trying to be a part of a group, or because the GCSEs are too stressful. It’s because I get told to, well I have to ‘or else’. I hear voices mainly one sometimes more. I have done for around 5 or so years. I don’t know why. And it scares me greatly. It tells me to cut or ‘bad things’ will happen to my friends and the people I love and am close to. ‘blood for blood’. I don’t fully understand it but I know if I don’t do it something bad will happen. Or if I have an argument with someone it ‘winds me up’ mimicking the insults or the things that have been said until I punch out at a wall or whatever, I barely ever hit people unless I get very angry then I don’t realise what I am doing until after.

Once I didn’t cut when I was told to, and a couple of days later I found out my best mate had self harmed, I convinced myself this was because I didn’t do it so it hurt her instead, I felt over come with guilt, I felt so terrible that this had happened and it was my fault. I felt rock bottom, the lowest of the low. I couldn’t look my mate in the eye for days maybe weeks. This friend is the same one that knows about me hearing it so I told her, she told me repeatedly that it wasn’t because of the voice and that it was her own ‘stupid mistake’, but I didn’t believe her, I thought this was the moment I saw the ‘power of the voice’ in action, me and her drifted apart for a while things didn’t feel comfortable around each other like normal, I think this was because I believed it was my fault and couldn’t look her in the eye. Until I felt so low I thought I would do something about it, I am asthmatic and I was just thinking about what I had done and what was my fault and I took some drugs not an OD but some drugs I know I wasn’t allowed to take with my asthma, I had a big attack and was taken to hospital. They didn’t find out about the drugs and blamed it on the weather and I was sent home the following day. When my mate found out she did have ago at me, she had every right to, and she again was saying It wasn’t the voice that made her do it – to be honest I still am not sure if it was or not. But I tried to put it to the back of my mind because I could see it was effecting my friendship, I didn’t want to lose my best friend, the only one that knows the truth, the only one that had been there for me. Well she told me that I should try writing on one of these forum things. So here I am.

I have heard voices as I said for 5 or so years, it just happened, the only thing I can think of that happened around 5 years ago was the death of my Nan who I was extremely close to. The voice wasn’t frequent at that time. Just now and then, I was just 11 or so, I didn’t understand what was happening, not at all, so I didn’t tell anyone. But lately maybe due to stress or hormones or whatever I don’t know, things have got worse, more frequent, sometime I could hear it every day for maybe a week or so, then it can stop for weeks or just be now and then, but I am too embarrassed and afraid of being judged and losing my friends to get help or tell people. I now self harm almost every day, even if I don’t hear it, I’m not sure if it’s as a Precaution, a way of coping or maybe just a habit. If I don’t have a razor blade on me or know where one is I feel anxious and can’t sit still or think about anything other than not knowing where one is. I went through a faze where when I entered a room even if at someone else’s house I could scan the room and find things that I could used to cut, pathetic and sick I know. A couple of my close friends know about my cutting as they have seen the cuts on my palms or knuckles (I don’t slit my wrists, just hands, hips, tops of legs and rarely but sometimes bottom of legs and tops of arms and underside of boobs) they just don’t know why, I just say it’s my way of dealing with things, basically I Lie to them, I lie a lot, too much to the people I care about, it is just excuse after excuse.

I don’t only hear ‘the voice’ sometimes I see things that are not there, feel things which are not there. The visions are sometimes very frightening; yep it scares me, a lot. That probably sounds stupid or pathetic that I am scare of something that isn’t even there. I have also quite often have had suicidal thoughts and at 16 have attempted suicide 4 or so times over the last 2 years. Without my best mate the one who knows about the voice I don’t think I would be here now.

Most nights I find it impossible to sleep, sometimes because I can hear it sometimes just unable to turn my brain off, there is too much going on in my head. When I do sleep at night I will wake up in the morning still tired as if I haven’t slept a wink. After hearing it or seeing something I feel tired and I feel unbelievably drained the whole time. My mum just thinks I’m moody or hormonal, just a ‘horrible teenager’. Hearing it is getting more often and I don’t know what to do. I spoke to the only person about it and asked if she believes I should go to the doctors or something, she told me about someone she knows in a mental hospital with Schizophrenia and she said it made things worse for him she told me to post on something like this. So I have, and have no idea what to do now.

I am often afraid when I hear it particularly when I’m around people in case they know I’m hearing it and judge me, because of this I am yet to get a job as I am scared I will hear it when at work, I have only just after about 2 years started going out with my mates regularly again because I was scared they would hear me hearing it or something, I am still scared of this when I go out now.

I am a pretender. I pretend to everyone that everyone is okay. It’s so hard to pretend that nothing is going on. I try to shut myself off from people, I don’t let people get too close (besides that one mate), I push people away, I lose mates over it, I feel incredibly uncomfortable walking into a room of people even if they are mates, I feel as though everyone of them are looking at me knowing I hear it and are judging me. If my mates make jokes about being crazy or joke about self harmers (those who don’t know about me) or hearing voices I can’t help thinking they are taking about me, laughing about me.

My family life is terrible, my mum suffers from depression, she is so hard to live with I know it isn’t her fault but anything will make her depressed, if she isn’t sad she is angry and this gets taken out on me, either by having a go at me for nothing or having digs at me (normally about my weight – she was anorexic at my age and I am quite obviously not). It is mostly after arguments with my mum which I hear it worse. Rapid changes of emotion normally make me hear it. Such as if I get upset or angry all of a sudden.
What do I do? I am never sure what is real and what isn’t any more, because of my seeing and hearing things. I am also very hard of hearing partly death maybe, I have to repeatedly ask people to repeat things, I am afraid if my hearing gets a lot worst and I go completely deaf it will just be mean and the voice. As sometimes listening to music or getting involved with conversations can overpower the voice as such.

I don’t know what to do, any advice is welcome but please do not judge me and write harsh comments about what I have said. I don’t mind questions within reason, but I just want help but I’m too scared to tell a doctor or someone like that. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I insane or something? I know I’m not normal no matter how much I wish I was, wish I was someone else, anyone but me. I just don’t know what to do. Everything is just getting increasingly difficult to hide and to keep people from knowing. Could anyone tell me what is wrong with me? Have I inherited my mum’s depression or am I like I said, just insane.
From a confused teenager
T x

 

[shaun3210]

Hi welcome to the forum

You don’t come across as insane at all, but self harming and hearing voices isn’t good, but nobody can diagnose you on here unfortunately, as you need to speak to a doctor for that.

Your post was very well written have you spoken to your GP at all about any of this? If you haven’t and don’t feel comfortable talking to him about it, maybe print out a copy of it and take it along to show him? I really think you need to talk to a professional about this.

Good luck and take care

 

[bluenomore]

Hi, A_Normal_Girl
to the forums

First of all, well done for writing your thoughts down here. You have come to the right place. Nobody on these forums is going to write harsh comments about you or judge you. We are all pretty friendly and sympathetic here

Apart from 4 of your friends, have you told anyone about the problems you've been having? I appreciate that you don't feel able to talk to your mum as she's not too well herself, but maybe you could speak to a teacher or call Childline? If you didn't feel comfortable talking, perhaps you could print-off what you have written.

I've often found that when I've had problems and not spoken to somebody about it, things just get worse. Doctors these days are a lot nicer than you might think. Do you know your local GP? If it's a man and you would feel more comfortable speaking to a woman then if you ask in the surgery then I'm sure they would be able to help you.

Anyway, it's good that you've managed to tell us on here. Pretty soon they will be some clever people who reply to this thread who will have better advice than me, so hang in there

Take care, and keep posting.

 

[A_Normal_Girl]

Thank you so much for replying, both of you, I didn’t think anyone would reply. (Also thank you for pointing out that my post is well written as I am actually dyslexic so that made me smile)
As for your questions, I haven’t spoken to my GP or anyone else about any of my problems. It is only one friend who I have had the guts to tell about the voice. I feel too scared, embarrassed and to be honest slightly ashamed to tell others, I was shocked when I managed to tell my best friend I panicked after thinking she would hate me or something . As for what Blue said I didn’t know childline dealt with this sort of thing, but I am unsure if I would have the guts to say what I have written over the phone, let alone in person. I will think about that though thank you.
As for taking the letter to a doctor I am unsure about that as, I was taken to hospital after I punched a wall when hearing it and my mum didn’t talk to me for weeks as I was threatened to be sent to a self harming clinic. So I think it would destroy my relationship with my family, I am also very close to my dad and I think if he found out about it all he would feel as though he let me down. Also my mum and me really are not getting along at all the moment she has threatened to throw me out lately because I have been a ‘horrible person’ so I think this would be the last straw.. so I don’t know what to do...

T x

 

[shaun3210]

I’m dyslexic as well so you saying that about you being dyslexic made me smile as well and I really don’t think you have anything to feel ashamed or embarrassed about.

I first started getting seriously affected by MH issues when I was around your age and things came to ahead when I was 17 nearly 18, I was also very nervous and scared to talk to my parents because neither of them where the easiest people to deal with when I was young.

But I felt a bit better after I confided in my Mum as to how bad I was feeling and she took me off to the Doctor, maybe it would be worth having a word with your Dad? Seeing he is the one you get on better with, I’m pretty sure he will be more upset in the long run if he thinks you have been suffering in silence with this for fear of upsetting him.

 

[bluenomore]

Thank you so much for replying, both of you, I didn’t think anyone would reply. (Also thank you for pointing out that my post is well written as I am actually dyslexic so that made me smile)
As for your questions, I haven’t spoken to my GP or anyone else about any of my problems. It is only one friend who I have had the guts to tell about the voice. I feel too scared, embarrassed and to be honest slightly ashamed to tell others, I was shocked when I managed to tell my best friend I panicked after thinking she would hate me or something . As for what Blue said I didn’t know childline dealt with this sort of thing, but I am unsure if I would have the guts to say what I have written over the phone, let alone in person. I will think about that though thank you.
As for taking the letter to a doctor I am unsure about that as, I was taken to hospital after I punched a wall when hearing it and my mum didn’t talk to me for weeks as I was threatened to be sent to a self harming clinic. So I think it would destroy my relationship with my family, I am also very close to my dad and I think if he found out about it all he would feel as though he let me down. Also my mum and me really are not getting along at all the moment she has threatened to throw me out lately because I have been a ‘horrible person’ so I think this would be the last straw.. so I don’t know what to do...

T x

Hi, well I just had a quick look on Childline's website and they say that "... you can talk to us about anything". It's just an idea but at least that is one place you could try. I'm sure they would listen to you and perhaps suggest what you could do next.

I obviously don't know anything about your family, but from what you've written about your Dad, I think that if you were able to talk to him (or show him what you've written), he would actually be glad that you were able to tell him. I don't think that he would feel 'let down'. Of course he's going to be worried about you, but at least if you talk to him then he will be in a position to help you.

Right now you've got to be thinking of your own well being. Hopefully posting on here has helped a little bit, but you really need to see a doctor who can give you the proper care that you need.

Whatever you decide to do, keep posting on here and let us know how you are doing.

 

[A_Normal_Girl]

Is there any way i can control the voice and control my SH without going to the doctor?

T x

 

[bluenomore]

Is there any way i can control the voice and control my SH without going to the doctor?

T x

Hey

Well, I'm not that familiar with regular SH or hearing voices, let alone a trained professional... but I reckon that you already know the answer to your own question

The fact that you've come to this forum and posted about your problems shows that you are naturally worried about your situation. Now you can come and post here all you like and everyone here would encourage you to do just that. Lot's of people (including me) find it therapeutic to write down how we are feeling, chat with other people on the site and just generally hang out.

But, and I think I can speak for the vast majority of us here, most of us have sought help from trained professional doctors who have helped us cope better in our day-to-day lives and made life generally better for us.

In my experience, if you just leave things as they are, the situation tends to get worse. I know you are worried and scared about talking to someone, but I bet that once you've done it things will start to improve.

 

[ms_P]

Hi A_Normal_Girl, and welcome to the forum!
You've gotten some good advice above.
I hope things get better for you real soon.

 

[A_Normal_Girl]

I still feel too afraid to seek professional help
i am also scared that if more of my friends found out they wouldnt want to know me any more. Also people around my age dont treat you the same if you are different and people seem to have a way of finding everything out. I believe i will have a lot of people against me and with 6th form coming up and starting my Alevels things would be to busy and patchy for me to seek help and everyone to find out right now
School would be hell...

T x

 

[shaun3210]

To be perfectly honest I think you stand a much better chance of keeping it quiet at school the sooner you do something about it, the school year starts in September doesn’t it? I would think it would be easier to speak to somebody now, rather than later when you have gone back to school.

I know it’s hard and not easy to deal with how you are currently feeling, but you made a big step posting about it here, as its already been said keep posting and let us know how you are doing

 

[A_Normal_Girl]

What will happen if i go to the doctors?

Sorry, i bet i sound stupid asking but i honestly dont know what will happen. When i had to go to hospital for my knuckles, when i punched a wall, they said if they saw me with any sort of selfharm injury again they would refer me to a Teen Mental Health Ward for self harm.. Does that mean if they find out i do self harm regulary and about my other problems i will be locked in some ward and would be unable to see my friends etc.

Sorry, i just really don't know what to do..

T x

 

[Twylight]

Hi, going to the Doctors is the best Idea - they won't lock you up
The symptoms you describe are recognised by the medical world and they are all proffesionals
Honesty is the best policy
It might be an idea to write your thoughts down before you go, so you don't forget anything

 

[cloudberry]

Welcome

I cant offer much advice, but you have my support and sending a big hug to you.

cloudberry

 

[shaun3210]

they said if they saw me with any sort of selfharm injury again they would refer me to a Teen Mental Health Ward for self harm.. Does that mean if they find out i do self harm regulary and about my other problems i will be locked in some ward and would be unable to see my friends etc.

Referred most of the time doesn’t mean you will get admitted, it means you are sent a appointment to talk to somebody from that unit as a outpatient, it is quite rare for people to be "locked in some ward" as you word it