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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

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Dazed_and_Confused

Member
Joined
Jul 17, 2009
Messages
6
my day to day thoughts are:

Emptyness ...
Happyness ...
paranoia ...
guilt ...
more paranoia ...
emotional ...

all in a day ... some times its realy intense

this is my analisys of my self ...

am i normal?

i am 24, nobody knows i feel this way ... when im on a high im out with all my friends carefree and when im down they dont see me and i make up some excuse like oh im doing some thing, or just not answer calls...

i feel misunderstood, i dont choose to be in a bad mood ... i am not always moody ... i am moody because ... i have always been, since i was 14.
my nannah died and we was all a close family, i realised and accepted death as part of our life at a young age and i seemd to be numb ... shortly after my dad died suddenly of some sort of heart
degenerating disease, just dropped dead ... i felt like my family had fallen appart, sort of fell into a depression
but i wasnt sad, just empty i didnt feel anything, it was strange ... my best friend died when i was 18,
this cut me deeper than ever ...i went on a rampage if im honest ... spent the money left by my dad and by the time i was 19 i was in
£10000 debt ...i am never truely happy and belive i never will be ... i have always felt this way ... all
my life! but at the same time i feel contented with what i have ... i am most happy when i am in a happy relatinship,
i am also my most paranoid, empty, it is some times hard for me to cope, i often push away love ones, thinking and feeling
they dont understand me and dont care, or i dont care either ..i have been single for over 2 years, got over an ex with
obsessing over gym,another thing i loved and just lost intrest ... i have never been happyer than this time ... ever! ...
then depression ... i obsess over certain things; Realationships, frienships, life time goals ... my thoughs are
always changing, thinking, spuratic ... some times i get confused about what to do in certain situations and end up doing
the wrong things ... like ... i read back through what i have writen ... and i think, do i realy think like that? but when i think back ... yes i have, it comes and goes and has over the past 10 years regardless of the situation
i am in ... i often feel let down by people, become attatched and trusting far to easyly to people ...
I try to use alcohol to reduce my ... symptoms? is it a symptom to wanna feel normal? im confused ... i have been in
this place in my head ... and so many others now that i am starting to see a pattern ... i often feel like i deserve to
be punished and get my self into trouble to achive this ... if im happy i feel like i dont deserve it sometimes...
i have an off switch when it all gets to much ... i can just switch off from the real world and feel nothing, its is at
these times i often make bad decisions ... with work, relationships, general stuff ...

Then ill go through stages of being happy, care free, untouchable, irritable ... cant understand what all the fuss was about ...
back in character, new plans, ideas, ill follow them through till its looking good ... and then lose intrest and move onto the next
big thing at the time ... i enjoy it ... but i end up going over board ... it gradualy builds to a point, things i do become more
reckless ... im ususaly in control but its like i am not there ...

i have abused drugs in the past ... smoked weed from at least 13 ... heavily 15 onwards till 22 when my girlfriend of over 4 years
left me, after the initial shock and anger ... a bit of violence ... i was over it and ready to start a fresh, bought a car for £13000
... and for the nine months i was at the gym i was never more contented, but as per usual i drift ... i ended up smoking weed again, losing my job,
girlfriend ... not caring ... the amount of times iv had everything and lost it because in my head i just wasnt happy ...

i have struggled with substance abuse THE DRUGS DONT WORK! THEY JUST MAKE YOU WORSE! ... i have abused diazapam for a short time
but often feel compelled to take them ... i drink alot ever since then ... somehow searching for that inner peace i felt but at
the same time i know it makes me out of control ... i binge ...

this is just a selection of some random thorts i had at this time ... i often find it hard to remember things from my everyday life ... mostly i remember big events like deaths, birthdays ... and things around those times ... the rest of my life seems a blur ...
a few times in my life when iv done somethin drastic and not even known why ... lashed out ... gone into my shell ... exploded
out of it ... i sit back some times and wonder if im normal ... my mum asks me questions like, why do you do it ... why do you
put your self through it? why have you done this! why are you doing that :mad: and i get so pissed of because i expect people to understand why im doing
it, what im thinkin in my head ... i recently met a girl, i always either get bored of girlfriends ... or get obsessed ... but
iv tried to fight it and just go with it ... but i feel like ut is putting an enormous strain on my mental health ... and i dont know why :/

i need sex! it makes me feel ... i dunno ... alot of things ...

i feel "normal" now but i can feel myself slipping into depression,at the same time worried my girlfriend isnt going to understand ... but iv jus been on a high, going out 3 4 5 times a week .. drinking heavily! doing things i shouldnt be doing ... just realy REALY stupid things!! i just feel like now is the time i need to do somthing about it ... if there is somthing wrong, because i just feel like im being me, yet i fall out with everybody ... and people tell me i have a split personality ...

i often suffer with bouts of paranoia thinking everyone is plotting against me ... even friends ... but eventualy i realise they
are not ... but then again are they? :s

i am often not sure of my own thoughts or feelings ...i have only ever seen my doctor when i have been depressed and was diagnosed with depression
at the age of 20 i think ... not 2 sure ... this makes me sound so stupid ... or it makes me feel it, but i dont think i am depressed ... most of the time i am happy or have been for the last nine months or so ... im either happy or sad ... extremely ... im starting to see a pattern ...

i just want to know if anybody else feels this way .... ?

am i "normal"?

i am confused i know that for sure lol
 
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Twylight

Guest
Hello and Welcome to the Forum

I find that people with mental disorders, have to fight it with every ounce of strength they have:

If you could write your thoughts down and show them to a GP - you might be prescribed a little something to help with the paranoia and possibly what might be asessed as Mood swings ?
 
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Dazed_and_Confused

Member
Joined
Jul 17, 2009
Messages
6
i have been to see my GP they are refering me to a psyc nurse ... thanks ...
 
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Dazed_and_Confused

Member
Joined
Jul 17, 2009
Messages
6
i would just like peoples opinions :)
 
Emily-Rose

Emily-Rose

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2009
Messages
159
That's good that you've been to see your GP :)

If you're unsure what to say to your psych nurse, it might be a good idea to print out the original post.

Good luck on your treatment :)

Emily.x
 
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