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Tjnitram

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2019
Messages
15
Location
England
Can anyone help . I’m in utter dead depression. But like a narcissistic nothing depression . I’ve always been like this . But presented with a front. I’m in a meaningless dead world . My body has never had any insides ..now not literally feels dead. Like I’m in a zombie land . It’s a hole I’ve avoided all my life..now it’s here and there’s no escape .i hate people. Thought. Food .time . Everything. I’m raging and envious and terrified . I’ve never experienced anything. My whole life has been a blank. I’ve never connected to anything I’ve just imagined everything. Half my life I’ve sat and watched telly without realising. I’ve even copied emotions etc from telly . I feel psychotic. Dead. Literally nothing. No past . Utter boredom. It’s an unbearable place . All my life . I’ve hidden in fantasy and false realities . I feel terrified bitter envious murderous hateful of everything. People who can sit and look at the sunset. Or walk a dog. Everything is unbearable to me. Like a black block . Like I’m dead. Frozen in time in a zombie land . I have a rage that this is it. I used to think one day it would be difficult. It’s just getting g worse . Anti depressants make it worse I’m not depressed . It’s where I am that causing utter raging boredom. I just stare like a zombie. No emotion . No past . No future . Nothing happens when I do anything. It’s like the bit where my souls meant to be is literally dead . No connection . Nothing other than me . It’s so bad I can’t even look at it. I still pretend . Zone out . Drift into the telly. My body feels cold . Like i have to keep it alive. I even count my breath in bed and think it’ll just stop if I don’t . I hate people . I don’t want anything. Except to be alive like everyone else. I just don’t understand anything . I don’t think anyone can help. It feels like I was born dead. And have created a happy place to exist . That’s gone now. I feel violent . Like if this is it then I want to destroy the world out of bitterness that I can’t have a drink with someone . Feel an emotion in my body . Watch a sunset . Laugh . Anything . I’ve imagined it all and acted it to even fool myself . But this black raging depressive hate is just there
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
591
Location
London, ON
You actually are depressed, my friend. Telling yourself you're not will make it worse.

PArt of the issue, for some people, is a weird pride in our illness, like it's what makes us unique. There can be a twisted way that we identify ourself as the illness, we see it almost like a badge of honour.

It's hard to get out of a mood that deep and dark, because, as you said - nothing that ever made us happy seems capable of lifting our mood again.

Things can change - but you have to let yourself be open to the possibility.

You need to do something. Something you used to enjoy, an actual activity. Try things until you feel just a bit less dark. Then, make note of that mood and moment - and use that as a target to aim for.
 
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Tjnitram

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2019
Messages
15
Location
England
This is it. It’s not just depression. It’s an inability to understand what’s going on. A dead blank. More like a narcissistic psycho. I’m doing crazy things to exist. I only exist as an image to someone. Or nothing . Like an empty shell. I’ve been in an amazing place ..looking good..centre of it all..yet in my own world..and now kids are older it’s not about me. There ar different kinds of depression I get that. This isn’t a mood . This is like I’ve never existed. There’s nothing in my body that experiences and feels. I litterally don’t know what people are...but it’s like a psycho hate . I’m missing something inside that they have. Life. A self .in not denying it’s some form. Of depression . But it’s deeper than that. It’s almost like I’m in a psychotic autistic hole where I don’t get anything. And that then causes it .its a hate of the world ..not of myself. It’s viewing people as things and objects to own a dab image for me. I’ve got a psychotic body. I feel like a Werewolf. Or that there’s things inside me. I have no sense of reality or time . I’m paranoid what people are. Sometimes I’m in a computer game. Everything’s different all the time. Whatever I imagine can be true. I’m completely off my head heading to oblivion and no one seems bothered. They think I’m just going on. Therapists doctors. I’m trying to tell them somethings really really wrong. I can’t be psychotic because I know what’s happening..it just all feels wrong. But manically wrong . Like raving madman wrong . Like all my constructed self has collapsed and underneath is utter chaos and madness. I’ve actually got no idea where or what I am with a burning rage and boredom and nothingness . The boredom is like a panic. To escape .
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
591
Location
London, ON
Look - I'm not going to force you to believe some random guy on a website - but, dude. that is what a super deep depression feels like. I've been there. that dark hollow feeling that nothing can fill, teh bleak despair... plus, you may be having dissociative periods, which make things feel unreal. It's a terrible combination to deal with.

Depression seriously affects our thinking - it dulls us down until we can't really think about anything deep or complex. That's a horrible feeling, too. That extreme detachment is, I think, a flawed coping mechanism. It is for me - I step out of negative mind states in my head, until I feel like a wandering viewpoint,not a person.

I think you need to figure out why this feeling of detachment is hitting you so hard. Have you ever looked up dissociation or depersonalization disorders? that might help you get a new angle to look at things from. you need to figure out why this disengagement is happening.
 
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Tjnitram

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2019
Messages
15
Location
England
People say that. It’s worse than that I just daren’t admit it. Im stuck in a weird hateful schizoid little world. There’s nothing to get out of. It’s just there. I’m nervous imof myself . There’s no depth. Just me and my world . I hate everything. My body is neurotic it’s not a detachment . It’s completelypsychotic. Like I want to be inside somewhere and the world is in the way . There’s no movement . I don’t know what’s happening around me..and never have . I live in a little schizoid fantasy world. Im really fucked . I’ve looked up dp. I get why people think it . But I’m detached from reality. I’m not in it . I’m just pretending .
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
591
Location
London, ON
Hmmm. You realize, if the world is imaginary, I'm imaginary, too. Which is an unpleasant thought, lol. And, If you ARE imagining me, could you imagine me winning the lottery and having a little dog again?

I'm not actually a figment of your imagination, or a psychosis.

I'm not going to lie - you have a serious issue to deal with. I want to help you deal with it, here anyway. All I can say is, I've been exactly in that state of mind, and I dread going back to it. Believe me, though, you CAN bring yourself back. It's not quick or easy, but you can get engaged with existence again.

Feel free to vent all you need to, but don't get upset if I keep trying to get you to connect to life. I mean, feel free to tell me to stop, and I will. I just hate knowing somebody else is going through what I did. So, I'm going to act like you are here and real, ok?
 
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Marianda

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
305
Location
South America
Hmmm. You realize, if the world is imaginary, I'm imaginary, too. Which is an unpleasant thought, lol. And, If you ARE imagining me, could you imagine me winning the lottery and having a little dog again?

I'm not actually a figment of your imagination, or a psychosis.

I'm not going to lie - you have a serious issue to deal with. I want to help you deal with it, here anyway. All I can say is, I've been exactly in that state of mind, and I dread going back to it. Believe me, though, you CAN bring yourself back. It's not quick or easy, but you can get engaged with existence again.

Feel free to vent all you need to, but don't get upset if I keep trying to get you to connect to life. I mean, feel free to tell me to stop, and I will. I just hate knowing somebody else is going through what I did. So, I'm going to act like you are here and real, ok?
I read very carefully your first paragraph..Perhaps all this is imaginary. Maybe we are all asleep and this life is just a horrible nightmare...
 
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Ihavecontrolofthebeast

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 13, 2020
Messages
55
Location
Uk
Sounds like derealization and depression. Your beliefs and feelings are real to you right now but this is an illness. What you are experiencing are symptoms of the chemical imbalances in your brain.
 
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Marianda

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
305
Location
South America
Sounds like derealization and depression. Your beliefs and feelings are real to you right now but this is an illness. What you are experiencing are symptoms of the chemical imbalances in your brain.
If you were talking about my post above, yes i am depressed but i dont suffer from derealization. I was just wondering and dreaming for a while that this is not real. Just imagining this is a nightmare and i will wake up and and all my problems will be solved and i am would finally be happy..
 
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