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B

branbuy

New member
Joined
Mar 13, 2019
Messages
1
Location
USA
#1
Okay so I am an absolute train wreck. My childhood up until now (21) has been detrimental to my well being and mental state.

Firstly I am a black man (half black, half white) living in America, so from a very early age I began to internalize racism and subconsciously hate myself. My biological black father was never in my life apart from a few visits that didn’t mean anything. My white mother remarried a white guy who adopted me and raised me along with my 1 other black sibling and 2 half siblings who are full white. So, I never had a black adult or even black friends for that matter to help me love myself.

Secondly, my mother is a navy veteran, so Her job meant us moving places several times throughout my childhood. One school for K-2, two schools for 3rd grade, another from 4-6th, another for 7-8th, and the final move I got to do all 4 years of high school at one place. But the damage had already been done and taken a major toll on me. Over the years, making friends had gotten harder and harder as I got older and my confidence, personality, self esteem, charisma, my identity as a person plummeted. For the first year of high school I would go to school then come straight home to my basement in the room and play video games for endless hours. This continued for the whole year until I did make a group pretty good group of friends which lasted throughout high school. However after graduating, all of those friends I had made went elsewhere for college and I remained at home and commuted to a different college. I would see them instantly make new friend groups on social media and feel so lonely, we would occasionally hang again when they came back in town but that faded and now I rarely see any of them.

My circumstances have made me an isolated, introvert who has lost the ability to connect with people and socialize like I once did. I also havnt made one new friend since starting college because I physically cannot be myself when talking to anyone I havnt previously known. In fact, any and every possible social interaction I might have gives me tremendous anxiety.. such as the gas station, malls, restaurants, Denist, haircuts, talking on the phone even... you get the point. Any interaction with a person and I get so caught up in my head thinking more about eye contact, body language than to what they are saying.

But I believe being raised “white” as a black man, coupled with attending white schools, and moving to a predominantly white state for my high school years has been detrimental to my mental health. I experienced racism firsthand and apologizing for it rather than defending myself because I didn’t have anyone to go to about it and just further internalizing that hate for my race society has.

Thirdly, my mother is a major alcoholic, being emotially abused as a child herself has emotionally distanced herself from all her children and has only ever been there physically, never mentally or emotionally. She also is extremely manipulative, using us to make herself feel better about herself. So a bad home environment apart from my siblings also has impacted me.

So, all in all, I feel my difficult life up until this point has been so draining physically, emotially, mentally and spiritually, I’m left feeling so helpless, worthless, and self-loathing. My biological father never being apart of my life, a toxic mother who was just as neglectful as my father, having so much fear of being judged simply for being alive because of my race, and losing so many good friends and myself along the way leaving me alone, sad, depressed, with crippling social anxiety. I hold so much pain in my heart I just don’t know how I can overcome all this and go on. I have thought about suicide just to end it but I don’t think I have the guts to do it. I just want to feel normal and have a normal life with two loving parents and lifelong friends. But I will never have that.
 
J

just me Amy

Active member
Joined
Jul 24, 2018
Messages
28
#2
I am sorry you have had some bad knocks in life. i understand about your parents i had similar as a child. I have had very bad knocks in life lots people have. from a young kid, i never had much confidence a VERY shy kid, lucky i did have friends which i was glad about. my dad was never there for me or my brothers, but all i longed for was my dad to be a proper loving dad but no chance, you cant change people. i believe all my anxiety depression and so on is stemmed from childhood and it carries on into adult hood, you are 21 yrs your whole life ahead of you, with a little help and support from councilors etc there is hope good luck .:hug:
 
G

Glenn24

New member
Joined
Mar 13, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Australia
#3
Heyy, sounds like you've been through a LOT. I can definitely understand how hard experiences in your past can add up and almost create this snowball of trauma that just feels like its crushing you. What I like to remind myself when I'm feeling at my absolute lowest is that hard experiences are what make people stronger. It means in the future, you'll be able to make it through other tough experiences because you've already met those challenges. I know it might feel unfair that all this had to happen to you but every challenge you face is a learning experience and every learning experience makes you a better person.

In my experience with social anxiety, I found that focusing on making small steps was the way to go. Even though it might seem overwhelming looking at people around you with a zillion friends, just remember that life isn't a race and you can work at your own pace. I found that counselling really helped me a lot since it gave me a safe space to talk about all my worries and even breakdown to tears if I wanted to. And once I had an outlet to express my anxiety concerns, I felt that I became naturally more confident and more sociable. I think posting here on this forum is a great step to be taking, so thanks for sharing your story!!
 
honeybadger

honeybadger

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 6, 2019
Messages
161
Location
US West Coast
#4
eBraille for those that are blind. Not everyone understands how being pale and brown has anything to do with a mental experience or conditioning. Just mentioning that.
 
K

Kirstie1806

Member
Joined
Jan 31, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Manchester
#5
I am sorry you have had some bad knocks in life. i understand about your parents i had similar as a child. I have had very bad knocks in life lots people have. from a young kid, i never had much confidence a VERY shy kid, lucky i did have friends which i was glad about. my dad was never there for me or my brothers, but all i longed for was my dad to be a proper loving dad but no chance, you cant change people. i believe all my anxiety depression and so on is stemmed from childhood and it carries on into adult hood, you are 21 yrs your whole life ahead of you, with a little help and support from councilors etc there is hope good luck .:hug:
I really feel for you, it sounds like you have had it so hard, and its so much harder when someone that doesn't have that support from parents.
My upbringing was very chaotic, no rules or boundaries and my mum was virtually a mute, and would only speak if she had to- sometimes not even then. Social services were involved in my life as a child, I'd go to school without a coat in 0 degree weather, no lunch for lunchtime etc. I really struggle when I think about my upbringing and wonder why my mum had kids at all (I have 3 other siblings.) i feel as though I have no mum, cos she is in no way there for me and never has been, she is a complete stranger. I
I now have a 9 month old son and she is just as uncaring for him as she was for me. It definitely hurts but dwelling on it gets me nowhere.
Right now I'm distancing myself from my messy family and trying to better myself. I'm doing CBT therapy, I'm looking for a new job etc. I feel hopeful (some of the time!) I still have a way to go but I feel like I'm getting better slowly but gradually.
Good luck to you!