Help?

Z

Zinkks

New member
Joined
Feb 10, 2017
Messages
1
Hello..
First I apologize , for my bad english and maybe bad subcategory of forum/thread..

I got a lot of on my plate and I need someone to help me, and or just vent it somewhere for a short-term time relieve.. also any advice would be nice..

Im 20 years old.
Problems started when i was presumely like 7 y.o.
I dont realy remember much from my childhood. All i know i have a lot of bad feelings about it and unplesant memories(even more memories i dont realy remember). Even more like terrible than upleseant. I remeber fear , terror , anger and sadness, emptiness , voids and rejection(s).

My family was/presumely still is / splitted. My father and mom didnt get along. I never got the feeling i was "wanted" child or anything like that.
I remember how mother used to tell me how father was at prison , when i was born after one month for two years...I didnt trust her.
Anyway she was alone and had a child on her "neck" to feed.
So she found a Boyfriend. With capital B.
Alcoholic, narcistic, manipulative , lying ,controlling freak with no respect toward anyone. I remmeber how they used to joke about every part of family. Realy nasty jokes. I found it repulsive. I wanted to vomit so many times even when i was around like 6-8 years if i recall right..
Anyway..
Mothers dad was schizoprhenic , her mother was and presumely still is very crazy old woman. Her brother is Agressive and very explosive, unable to live alone ,even trhough he is like 30-40 y.o.
Fathers family is a mystery to me. All i remember was his girlfriend which was almost every time on meth when i seen her. From 5-12 years of my life he pretend at least he somewhat cared for a bastard i was / am.

I wont describe mo. boyfriend's family since i dont even remember them very much..

Sooo..
my life was /and is still/ hell.
I remember vaguely how they used to call me 'useles piece of shit' , 'pig' , ' fatso' , 'strange' , 'different' , ' bad' , 'idiot', ' gay' etc. etc. etc. everyday till i reached 18 years and ran away..
I was overeating till my 13 years. I had 80 Kilos. Asthma, Migraines with auras lasting for week vomiting for 8 hours and dying literelay from pain. Not even hospital could help from the pain.Only thing that somewhat helped was weed and or later known Sumatripan Actavis. , Headaches.

After getting fed up with being called fat and ugly, i decided i will starve myself to death. I remmeber not eating a singhle thing for a week. Seriously.
I lost like 20 kilos. Dont know if right away or after some time.
Everytime i seen food i wanted to die.

At 5-9 years i was repeatedly abducted in sleep by UFOs. I remember 6-7 """Dreams""" and scratches on the floor , as they dragged me away from my room as a child..
At 9 years i was addicted to masturbating.
At 11 years i was hit with first depression. I remember that part pretty much well.. Everything literaly lost meaning. My only motivation to keep goin was a fear i would fail and my life would , if possible , get any worse.. I wasnt speaking, i was drawing pictues full of murders , cut flesh, limbs , blood, suicide texts etc. etc.
Around 14 years i started self harming . I remember how i loved the feeling of physical pain. in exchange for emotional , it was like my soul reaching a paradise throught the wounds i caused to myself..
I didnt care how i look /i stil dont/. I didnt care how i felt, nor people around me how do feel. / i still dont../ .

I remember seeing and feeling dead people from the house where we lived. I remember being scared to death from bath room. I remmeber being choked under blanket by mothers boyfriend "cause it was fun", " be okay, we are just playing".. I remmeber mom staying in corner and looking to the ground.
I remember kicking hers Boyf. to balls in self-defence. I got scremead at for "not being nice" .
at 15 i started drinking heavily. /in my country its legal from 18 + its "national" tradition to get wasted from liq + vietnamese didnt care who they sell liq as long as it was concelead and paid for./
I remember crying myself to sleep, i remember wanting to die every day and praying to god to kill me next day. /i still do/
To die in sleep since im such useless piece of shit and im not capable of killing myself.

At 16 i started to smoke heavy.. first cigarretes then weed..
I smoked weed tilll my 20.Every fucking day. I used to hustle. I was good somehow at it. even get up at 60 gs which was something like a record for me in my miserable life.. Im a month clear now from Weed. LSD, Exstasies, "trying of" meth , coke i gave up on these bullshits... it gives me creativity which gives me "wings" and power to overcome anxieties and depressions etc. etc. but in the end it makes me more aliented... more weird than i already am.


I never had someone who would help me.
I was always alone and im still am..
I was bullied at pre-school , laughted at, isolated, being thrown rocks at..
At primary school , i was isolated, being made fun of , and beaten..
At high school it got even worst.. I gave up on any chance of having normal life.. Liking myself, liking to wake up or anything like that.. My life is nightmare.
I dont even know why i write this as i get into it..
I dont know who i am, why i exist, if i exist, if this is real, or just another bad nightmare..
I wake up being disoriented and lost.
I either have no feelings, or too much or to crazy to describe by words. Wake up covered in sweat.

I isolate myself from world.. Im afraid of going shopping, im afraid of talking to people, im afraid of moving. I dont even know how to react , talk and or make faces..
I used to be at least something.
Now i dont even know.
I feel like an eye, among mouths and ears..
I live in room , withing social project for young adults..
I live in worlds people wouldnt understand. Ive seen so much , either from Experiences near death or dreams which foretold future. Which happen later in real life.
I can hear "Whispers" accelreted to point of no understanding around people who have strong emotions like a hatred and or love.
I can see and identify any feeling person have just by looking at theirs faces.

Since i was child I always seen "orbs" / "clouds" made of colours. No doctor could ever explain that to me..
I can feel perfumes by my hands and feet , I can "touch" things by my eyes.. I can see music playing inside my head..
I dont even remember what it is like to have silence in my mind. Theres always some kind of thoughts i dont remember goin on , trying to solve something i cant and wont ever solve... and i still do it.. cant stop it.. Im on constant alert.I feel like a soldier from "nam/japs war. //please no disrespect towards these guys.Im fascinated by anyone whos willing to sacrifice his/her life to __even if its not best choice__ to preserve /save someones else life. //
Every person i had at some point, was just using me for money / drugs/ cause they got no one else to talk to.. I was always second choice and a filler...

Since my 11 years i keep wondering if my body is even something i want..
I hate my body, hate my penis, hate myself.
I dont feel like a "man".
And the longer iam "clean" the more i thing about it and it drives me even crazier then i already am..
I hate the way i was acting. "Cold" , "errorless" man , "tough"... I hate how many people i hurted.. I hate how my "parents" are programmed into me. I wish i could return how they treated me. I wish i could see them burn and slowly die. I wish i could make them feel atleast 10 percent of pain and terror i was feeling when they "raised" me.
I hate myself for every animal i hurt when i was child.. I wish i could die .
Just press some magic button and dissaaper.

Last month.
As Im clean.
Everything feels worse..
Something is bad and i dont know what.
i dont know what to do.
Whenever i wan to talk to someone about it. Be it psychoteraupets / psychiatrists or anyone or anything..
I just cant.
it get blocked in my heart and sometimes my throat..
I cant change it.
I still hear those thoughts like..
"Youre making this up."
"They wont believe it."
"shut up and go home and die."
"You uselles little bitch".
"Youre just crying and praying for attention."
"nobody cares."

Im isolating myself..
When im in public transport i can see how everybody is lookin at me, like i was some kind of freak..
Everybody is turning on me.
I can feel theirs energies piercing me..
My heart is racing as if i was falling from the coffeine high.
And i need to run from that..
so instead of going by transport for 15 minutes , i walk like half hour to home , away from main roads and people..
:cry:

I cant even enjoy sex. I had few gffs.I remember how they keep complaining on how cold and distant and closed iwas. I dont know how. Or why. I think it was just thanks to weed. I hate my body so much..
Or anything i do.
I keep rewatching old tv series . Old movies, reading old books. Im dead..
I can double speak through whole series and movies.. i remmeber every word they say..

I often see violet hue around me, i see shadows moving on its accords, i see how world around me accelearts and slow down in strange ways , i can "feel" moving smells. I can even see humans and things "energies" around them.
I dont know what to do with this..
Im just sitting here and watching these words as nothing..
It makes me panick.
But still i dont give a damn about it at the same time..
Whats wrong with me and how im supposed to fix this..?

All i do is go to "work", go home, watch again something i watched already, try do something , fail, go to sleep, and repeat..

I got this another split.
I feel i dont need anybody. Seriously i can go on with nobody. I made few friends in my head, many enemies and many worlds.
But at the same time i want someone whos at least little like me. I never met someone who would be like me. Everyone play this "game" i dont even understand. And im just sitting there.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,605
Location
England
Hi,
Welcome to the forum, please get some help. Visit your Dr and tell them how suicidal your feeling.
I'm sorry for all you've gone through, counselling may help you also.
Take care
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Thanks for writing in. You are welcome here. It's hard being twenty and from a dysfunctional family. Your life will get better if you seek help.
 
L

luice231

New member
Joined
Feb 26, 2017
Messages
1
hi,
this is good thing that you started sharing your pain, your life will be good ,don't stop trying to make it good,this is only yours and only you can make it better. take help of your doctor and be positive.
all the best
 
P

p33ky

Member
Joined
Feb 15, 2017
Messages
5
I dont want to be here no more i even carry my medication to overdose around with me everywhere i go, my mind dwells on stuff all the time i question if i should do it or do things to stop questioning it hence the reason why im writing this.
My mam doesnt talk to me for reasons i cant say on here, i hardly go out i'm always on the computer to keep my mind occupied but theres only so much you can do.
I constantly think on ways to end it all maybe its for the best
 
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