Help with undiagnosed bipolar 2 wife

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Chris3141

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Just cant believe she would abandon her kids. I know she had a tough time with them at times but to only want to see then 1 a week.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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What if it turns out she doesn't have Bipolar or any diagnosable mental illness?Then what?
 
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Chris3141

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I would be really upset as that means that she did all of this in a clear mind truly understanding her consequences for doing so. I would never be able to forgive her then. The pain she has caused her children by walking out and the fact that she blames me for everything. Even when I asked her a few months ago if she was happy ans she said yes and that she loved me so much. To say that and then do what she did... I could not forgive that unless there is some underlying cause. Sad thing is part of me Hope's she is bipolar and part of me Hope's she is not. If she is thi gs make more since but if she is not then she atleast doesnt have this harmful sickness and ahe can have a semi normal life.
 
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Chris3141

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I know that our relationship has never been perfect but I always did my best to make her smile. When she was by my side it felt like I could take on the world. She could get so angry and be cold at times and all I had to do was wait till she calmed down just enough and I would say God your beautiful when you heated and angry. The look in her eyes and the smile.... it was like my heart would float. Every time I see her even now my heart races faster and all i want is to give her a big hug and hold her tight. When she says I never made her feel loved it's like I tried my best... if that's not good enough then I dont know if she will ever feel loved by anyone.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Your posts are hard to read because I can feel your pain when I do.

It's sad,the whole situation just sounds so heartbreaking.For your sake I hope that whatever is going on with her can be fixed and things can work out between you.

I'm afraid though that you're settting yourself up for even more heartache.I read a quote somewhere, " what you put up with you end up with" and it really is true.I'm afraid that if you do work things out that she will not try as hard as you.If you forgive her for everything,regardless of whether she does have a mental illness or not,what message does that send to her?Will she try at all or maybe only a little when she knows basically she can do what she wants and you will still be there for her? What's lower than what she's already done to you?Not much,right?You can say things will have to change,there will have to be boundaries,etc but she already knows there's really no consequences.She may not do the same thing again, something as bad but she might think anything she does will be ok as long as it's not that.

What about you? I get that you love her,I get that you miss her and feel lost without her.But you have been severely betrayed and your kids have too.Yet you are the one trying to fix all of this when it should be her.She's the one in the wrong here,not you.I think you need to get into counseling and focus on yourself for awhile,build your self esteem,focus on the kids.Your kids need to learn that what's happened is not ok.When they're older and in their own therapy for being abandoned they will be wondering why you devoted so much time on the one who caused their pain instead of them.Are they in counseling now.What are their ages(sorry if you have already told that,I didn't read through again to see if you had).

I think she's the one who needs to be trying to fix all of this without you suggesting she does this or that.Without any input from you at all.Maybe even having no contact for awhile until she gets herself together.If she wants you she will do whatever it takes to fix this,even if she is Bipolar.She should have to prove to you and the kids,not by words but by actions.What is her having a bf proving to all of you right now?

You really need to put the focus on yourself.You don't deserve what you're going through.Maybe counseling will help you understand why you are willing to forgive all of this just to have her back again.It can help you get through all of this and be ok if things don't work out like you hope.You also need help knowing what's best for the kids.Is it really best that you work things out at all?Those kids will always worry she will abandon them again.Whats worse than being abandoned by your mom than being abandoned again? What's worse than what she did to you than having to go through it again?

You need outside help with this,more than just seeking help and supporr online.Right now you're leading with your heart and your heartache and pain and that's not what's best for you or the kids.

I know this is all so extremely painful for you,my god, it's painful to even read.Maybe taking this time for yourself and seeking outside help would be the best thing.The decisions you make now will impact not just you but also the kids.

Please don't wait around for her to get help or treatment or to decide whether she wants to be with you and the kids or not.Do something for yourself and them now,none of you should be treated as if you're disposable.
 
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Chris3141

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Your so right sunny, I agree that I'm putting hope and effort into something I should not be. I should move on and if she wants things to work then she needs to put in the effort and not me. I tried very hard to make her happy and ultimately look where that got me. My biggest thing right now though is trying to get her to see a psych to find out If she is bipolar. That way she will see what she is doing to her kids. My son is 3 and daughter will turn 6 in 4 days. They were hit hard by this and right now my wife doesn't even care. It's all about her happiness right now. My biggest fear though is that if she is bp2 then that means the depression is going to hit sometime soon and she is going to realize what she has done and she has threatened to hurt herself before and even though she is not the best mom, she is still their mother and I need to do what I can to prevent that even if it's out of my control. If she gets on meds though maybe then she wont fall as hard into depression. That's why I pushed for her to see someone but I disguised it as something for her kids/herself/ and the new relationship she is in. She atleast agreed so I'm one step closer to getting her evaluated.
 
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Chris3141

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I also am in counsling and have been for a few weeks now as I do know I need to work on myself and my kids. Our life comes first over hers. I just feel bad. My daughter cried that her mommy left and is now finally happy which broke my heart and my son cried that he misses her alot and then started hitting her saying your not my mommy anymore since you left me and daddy is the boss now... she got mad and said I need to get that under control... it's like that's what they see. Their mommy left them to be somewhere else and only sees them 1 a week. My family has stepped up though and we are constantly playing with them and spending time with them. I do not have them in therapy yet though.
 
Hellakat

Hellakat

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Her behavior and her actions don't necessarily have to be a mental illness.It honestly sounds like maybe drug abuse or addiction to me.I guess I say that because I have seen it happen so many times,the drugs take over and become number one.

Even if she does have a mental illness it's not an excuse for cheating.It might make it easier in your mind but in reality it's still just an excuse.Sorry.
I was thinking this very thing as soon as I read it. You have to be careful with labels. Sometimes it’s easier for people to say the person possibly has a mental illness than it is to say they have a drug misuse/abuse problem or if the person is violent (and I’m not saying this is your case but just giving an example) it’s easier to say oh he/she is just having an off day rather to say they are abusive. Unfortunately there’s a lot of moving parts in your situation and if your willing to fight for your marriage she’s going to have to want the same. I hate to sound blunt but could it just be that she’s not into your relationship anymore and just doesn’t know how to tell you?. Either way I am sorry that your going through this tough period. *HUGZ*
 
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Chris3141

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It could be the case but the thing that really caught me off guard was when she was sexting the guy J and I caught her she broke down and said she didnt want to lose me and that I'm the greatest thing that has ever happened to her and that she wanted to change her self hardcore. She said she thinks she needs professional help cuz she is getting these feelings to be sexual and dishonest and cant understand why. It's just buzzar to go from lovely dovey 3-4 months ago to this so fast. Also I think if it was drug use I would have noticed awhile back but she never showed any signs of drug use and hadn't even smoked pot before. But the ups and downs she has gone through with the lack of sleep etc I realize have been going on for along time atleast 2 or 3 yrs or more. I do think that there was a feeling of something missing in her life that also attributed to this but I think the possible bp2 was the catalyst. Ultimately though I can only help her see a psych. After that it's all up to her but part of me says abandoned this relationship and move on but my heart says no... that she is a good person going through something rough and when I married her I said in sickness and in health. But I need to look out for myself and kids. I dont want to be one of those guys that this is the 3 or 4th time that she has run out on me... I cant go through this again, this has been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with.
 
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EstherRose94

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Just so you know, I’m sure that you did make her happy. Even if she started to feel antsy/ whatever happened towards the end it sounds like she really was happy with you before that.

You can’t make another person happy though. I’m learning that hard lesson now in my own relationship. Sometimes my boyfriend is depressed about life in general and nothing I do helps at all. It makes me feel like I failed but it’s not my fault. Same with you, if you tried and gave your all then how would it be your fault that she isn’t happy?

Honestly I read this and Im like gosh I’d love for my boyfriend to commit and want a marriage and kids. that sounds great! Living with my boyfriend and his friend I’ve sexted or whatever on earth she’s doing sounds like something from a soap opera and it sounds horribly uncomfortable from her point of view.

She’s not showing herself any care or love. And you can’t make her. If someone doesn’t love herself or himself no amount of outside love will help until they do.

Regardless, it would be caring about her for you to take care of her husband (yourself) and kids wouldn’t it?
 
SunnyDaze

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After reading through this entire thread,it seems you are making her a helpless victim,someone who did these things because you think she has a mental illness.

The reality is she did do these things and the reason should not be taken as an excuse or a get out of jail free card.I was sexually abused for many years in childhood and the reason why those people did what they did doesn't matter or excuse their actions.I believe some of them were mentally ill but it still doesn't make them the victims.

Regardless of what anyone says here you seem to justify her behavior,trying to blame mental illness.She may or may not be mentally ill.She may or may not be on drugs.She might have just decided she doesn't want to be a wife and mother anymore,it does happen.

It's not your job or responsibility to help her or fix her.
 
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Chris3141

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Your right, I do think alot of her issues stem from self esteem and her own feeling of inadequacy. She has mentioned a few times that I deserve better than her and that she hates herself sometimes. When we started going through this she even said that she thinks she should just end it cuz all she does is bring ppl pain... I lost it on her and said her kids need her and that is stupid to think otherwise. I know I should just care about myself and the kids but it's so hard to just shut off these feelings. All I ever wanted was to give her and my kids the dream life. We went on a cruise together and had the time of our life. She never really had to worry about money as I make alot for ppl in the area. I was affectionate and spent alot of my time with her. I thought we were perfect together and she seemed to reciprocate that until these sexual feelings kicked in and we started going back and forth on these feelings. I just keep finding myself hoping she will come back and we can fix things and love each other like we did but I know that's a fantasy. Things will never be the same. It will be a new relationship if we ever figured things out. It's just hits me so hard sometimes. Every day I asked her how her day was, we would go everywhere together. I would give her back messages all the time and whisper to her. I even started getting my daughter ready for school in the morning so she could get more sleep as I knew she didnt sleep well even though I had to wake up extra early so I could get ready for work. It's so hard to just let go. Maybe I'm just throwing myself a Pity party idk... but she really did mean alot to me.
 
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EstherRose94

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I mean I don’t know that sounds pretty much picture perfect to me. Anyone who lets me sleep in is automatically the best person ever. I love my sleep lol.

I don’t have kids though and I’m not married and I’m sure it is really scary at times having all that responsibility. I can understand where doubt might creep in even in a good marriage.

It’s just a big jump from feelings to actions. Maybe she panicked and didn’t feel ready for all of this. I’m sure plenty of people panic about their responsibilities. But most parents don’t just make a run for it.

Just wait and see what she does I guess. I hope that no matter what happens you’ll be confident in yourself as an individual and as a father. Your kids are really lucky to have you.
 
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Chris3141

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Her reasoning for our relationship being garbage, I didnt ask my family to take both kids and take her out on a date. And also I would buy her gifts for her bday or mother's day and I would give it to her early sometimes because i wanted to see her smile but apparently that didnt make her feel special or cared for. I'm not the best gift giver, it's never been a strong suit of mine but I still tried. Also that I didnt listen to her, well its hard to fully focus on anyone when there is kids screaming and the TV blaring and also I think I have minor adhd as I get distracted super easy but I always tried to listen to her. Maybe I just tried to hard and this was just that we arnt compatible... idk guess all I can do is move forward and hope that life gets better.
 
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Chris3141

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Maybe this is just her not wanting a relationship with me anymore. Idk, my friend who went through something very similar with his wife for 3 years said that he would bet his salary that she is bp2 as so many things of what I told him parallel his story. His wife ended up cheating on him numerous times and left him but he didnt have kids. She then came back and then she hit rock bottom and tried killing herself. After she got diagnosed and on medicine they worked things out and they have been back together for 4 yrs and now have 3 kids and she is amazing now but regrets every decision she made. That's what I hope for but part of me thinks that's just the unicorn. I cant imagine most of these bipolar situations end that way and granted I still dont even know if my wife is bp.
 
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