Help with undiagnosed bipolar 2 wife

SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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After reading through this entire thread,it seems you are making her a helpless victim,someone who did these things because you think she has a mental illness.

The reality is she did do these things and the reason should not be taken as an excuse or a get out of jail free card.I was sexually abused for many years in childhood and the reason why those people did what they did doesn't matter or excuse their actions.I believe some of them were mentally ill but it still doesn't make them the victims.

Regardless of what anyone says here you seem to justify her behavior,trying to blame mental illness.She may or may not be mentally ill.She may or may not be on drugs.She might have just decided she doesn't want to be a wife and mother anymore,it does happen.

It's not your job or responsibility to help her or fix her.
 
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Chris3141

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Your right, I do think alot of her issues stem from self esteem and her own feeling of inadequacy. She has mentioned a few times that I deserve better than her and that she hates herself sometimes. When we started going through this she even said that she thinks she should just end it cuz all she does is bring ppl pain... I lost it on her and said her kids need her and that is stupid to think otherwise. I know I should just care about myself and the kids but it's so hard to just shut off these feelings. All I ever wanted was to give her and my kids the dream life. We went on a cruise together and had the time of our life. She never really had to worry about money as I make alot for ppl in the area. I was affectionate and spent alot of my time with her. I thought we were perfect together and she seemed to reciprocate that until these sexual feelings kicked in and we started going back and forth on these feelings. I just keep finding myself hoping she will come back and we can fix things and love each other like we did but I know that's a fantasy. Things will never be the same. It will be a new relationship if we ever figured things out. It's just hits me so hard sometimes. Every day I asked her how her day was, we would go everywhere together. I would give her back messages all the time and whisper to her. I even started getting my daughter ready for school in the morning so she could get more sleep as I knew she didnt sleep well even though I had to wake up extra early so I could get ready for work. It's so hard to just let go. Maybe I'm just throwing myself a Pity party idk... but she really did mean alot to me.
 
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EstherRose94

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I mean I don’t know that sounds pretty much picture perfect to me. Anyone who lets me sleep in is automatically the best person ever. I love my sleep lol.

I don’t have kids though and I’m not married and I’m sure it is really scary at times having all that responsibility. I can understand where doubt might creep in even in a good marriage.

It’s just a big jump from feelings to actions. Maybe she panicked and didn’t feel ready for all of this. I’m sure plenty of people panic about their responsibilities. But most parents don’t just make a run for it.

Just wait and see what she does I guess. I hope that no matter what happens you’ll be confident in yourself as an individual and as a father. Your kids are really lucky to have you.
 
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Chris3141

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Her reasoning for our relationship being garbage, I didnt ask my family to take both kids and take her out on a date. And also I would buy her gifts for her bday or mother's day and I would give it to her early sometimes because i wanted to see her smile but apparently that didnt make her feel special or cared for. I'm not the best gift giver, it's never been a strong suit of mine but I still tried. Also that I didnt listen to her, well its hard to fully focus on anyone when there is kids screaming and the TV blaring and also I think I have minor adhd as I get distracted super easy but I always tried to listen to her. Maybe I just tried to hard and this was just that we arnt compatible... idk guess all I can do is move forward and hope that life gets better.
 
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Chris3141

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Maybe this is just her not wanting a relationship with me anymore. Idk, my friend who went through something very similar with his wife for 3 years said that he would bet his salary that she is bp2 as so many things of what I told him parallel his story. His wife ended up cheating on him numerous times and left him but he didnt have kids. She then came back and then she hit rock bottom and tried killing herself. After she got diagnosed and on medicine they worked things out and they have been back together for 4 yrs and now have 3 kids and she is amazing now but regrets every decision she made. That's what I hope for but part of me thinks that's just the unicorn. I cant imagine most of these bipolar situations end that way and granted I still dont even know if my wife is bp.
 
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Chris3141

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It really sucks knowing that she is out having the time of her life and happy with her new bf while me and the kids are grieving over her. It's like she didnt feel anything after the split. Anything that I bought her, like the wedding ring, opal earrings that she really loved from our cruise, etc. She sold for money to go blow. Plus she informed me that she is still only working like 16 hrs which means that she has plenty of time to get the kids but she doesnt even ask to watch them. It's like seriously way to abandon your kids...
 
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EstherRose94

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She pawned off her wedding ring? Holy cow.
 
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EstherRose94

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Sorry I don’t want to sound insensitive or anything. I really don’t have any more advice I guess, that’s just a really crazy detail.
 
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Chris3141

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Yea, it was a 5000 dollar ring. I bought it when I first graduated college and got my job as an engineer. We went into the store and I said pick any ring you want. It took me forever to pay that off.
 
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Chris3141

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I grew up with very little money and so didnt she but I bought her whatever she wanted. Funny thing is that she is so used to not worrying about money but the guy she is dating makes half of what I make. Not that money brings hapiness. The only thing she didnt seem to sell was a necklace I bought her when I was in Dubai which was her name in Arabic but it was to large to wear (her words) so she hung it from her truck mirror. It's still there as I seen it yesterday. She also through out the drawings i made her when we first got together. I spent hours drawing her a portrait with her name and lillys (her fav flower) not that I'm a great artist or anything. But it was depressing to find that in the trash... she doesnt even care about my feelings anymore it's like I'm nothing but trash and in her way of hapiness. It's why I tell myself to just move on but how do you stop loving someone who meant alot to you other than time...
 
Hellakat

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There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting your family to work. I think that it’s good that you’re willing to stick it out but at what cost?. It seems that if she was diagnosed with bipolar that it would justify her actions for you. I don’t think it does. I was diagnosed with bipolar I when I was around 25 and now I’ll be 43 this year. In that time because of my manic episodes I single handily imploded my 18 year marriage for years of doing things in my manic state that my husband at the time just could not accept. Should I blame him, NO because after all was said and done I held myself accountable for my own actions and lost him then feel into a deep depression because I thought my life was over. It took many years and a lot of therapy to see things for what they are. Again if you say she’s willing to see someone great. Go with her, support her but you also have to be prepared for what comes out of that as well. You have children to care for and that adds to it. What’s going to happen to them?. In the end you have to answer for decision. What are you willing to live with.
 
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Chris3141

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That's the one thing I really do pray for to happen. I hope she finally realizes what she has done to the kids and myself. Right now she blames everyone else for what she has done and doesnt take any blame for anything. It's all the kids and my fault that she did what she did. I know that could be the BP talking but God does that hurt. Then I beat myself up thinking maybe if I had just been a better husband but I know at the time I was doing what I could.
 
Hellakat

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Please don’t beat yourself up. You are clearly doing your part and then some. Unfortunately just like an alcoholic or a drug addict she has to admit there is a problem in the sense of her being accountable. You are doing your part and then some. Let’s be honest there aren’t that many people in the world who would stick it out the way you are but I just want you to know that the strength that you’re showing just because you want it to work so badly speaks volumes and I commend you for that. Until you decide on which way you truly want to go don’t get so caught up in it to where you lose yourself. You’ll be no good to her or your children if that happens and your kiddies need you along with stability and certainty. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to be selfish. You want to be part of the solution but when she’s saying you’re part of the problem, you’re kind of running on a hamster wheel and getting nowhere. I hope I’m making sense.
 
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Chris3141

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Thanks everyone for your kind words. I'm trying to stay strong for my kids but God this is hard. I've always been the type that falls hard for ppl and is super forgiving and kind. I also feel everyone's pain very strongly, reading some of the posts on this forum are hard. So many ppl going through so much pain. I wish there was a quick fix for this as I'm so tired of crying over this. I know that sounds weak but she really did mean the world to me. I'm not the selfish type so this is very hard for me to do but my kids deserve it so I will focus all of my love on them instead of her. I hope she does figure out what is going on with her whether it be BP, Drugs, or just her natural self and I hope she realizes that her kids do need her as they really do miss their mom. I hope she wakes up soon and realizes what she is giving up for this fun free life.
 
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EstherRose94

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That “fun free” life is overrated. It sucks because there’s nothing real in it. This is really her loss.
 
Hellakat

Hellakat

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Sounds like you have a plan and a good one at that. Sometimes we don’t see things that other people see because we’re to close to the situation and tend to be biased. Trust that you are doing the right thing and the rest will work itself out. Hey look on the bright side, you’ve met some cool people here so you not alone and we’re all rooting for you. I hope that you continue to feel comfortable with talking about your situation because I would like to know how things are going for you. You can dm me too if you wish.
 
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Chris3141

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I'm sure she is going to find that out when they blow all their money and cant get their own appartment. When she lived with me she had her own house. She is going to realize she cant have all the things that she loved with this guy other than freedom. I really cant see this relationship working out but I'm thinking when this doesnt work out she will just be at my doorstep like nothing happened and want to move back in. I just hope by then I have more control of my emotions and am able to tell her no until she fixes herself and realizes her mistakes. My wife has also never worked more than 30 hrs a week and she hated it but now to survive they are going to have to both work all the time. Plus this kids dream was to be a stay at home dad with 5 kids.... dont see that happening since my wife has her tubes tied and also doesnt even want to spend time with her 2 kids. N doesnt care though cuz he has only ever wanted a gf so it doesnt matter what his dreams are... but life is going to be a wake up call for them both.
 
Hellakat

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I hope you become emotionally strong too. Let me ask you, what if all of those things happened and she came back knocking on your door. Not because she wants to be with you in her heart but because she doesn’t want to work or become homeless or just because she misses the perks of being with you financially would you take her back?.
 
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Chris3141

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Ultimately I think the only way we could make this work is if she truly owns up to her mistakes and realizes what she did was truly hurtful and wrong. And she needs to start seeing a therapist to help her through whatever issues she has. I want her to come back because she realizes that she loves me not as a financial choice...
 
SunnyDaze

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I hope everything works out as you hope it does.I still think she is showing addict behavior,especially pawning things for money,abandoning you and the kids,all of it sounds so much like a person caught up in addiction and not caring about anything else.

It is possible for her to be an addict without you ever knowing or suspecting it.

It's possible she's just been telling you BS about wanting to be with you,needing help,etc.,because of course she is going to say what you want to hear.

It's possible she is mentally ill.

There's so many possibilities.

Whatever is going on you need to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario instead of magical thinking that she will be diagnosed,get on meds and you will live happily ever after.
 
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