Help with OCD **Trigger warning - mentions sexual abuse subjected to as a child**

[im_broken]

Im a female and going through a similar situation,my older sister and i were abused together as a child by a family friend( she was also a female) and in turn i abused my younger sister and now i have terrible thoughts that i may be a paedophile, while my thoughts rarely involve me harming anyone. I dont get arroused by children i came out as a lesbian but i still have these very compulsive thoughts that wont let me live. Ive read all the comments and even the article "wicked thoughts" that was mentioned [Moderator note: this post has been moved into it's own thread]. I know I was a victim and as a child i dont think i really understood what was happening because my older sister and i experiment for so long after the abuse, i really just thought it was normal until i got a bit older and realized it was terrible what happened to all of us.. i am now scarred for life and i dont know how to cope anymore. I cry and get anxiety all the time its scary and shameful, i would never harm a child or any person for that matter but why am i feeling like i dont deserve to live.

 

[AliceinWonderland]

Hi im_broken to the forum, good to have you here.

I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to you, and how difficult it's making it for you to cope. You are the victim here, it's hard sometimes to fully believe that I know. You do deserve to live, you were abused and it damaged you deeply, and none of that is your fault, you aren't a bad person because of what happened to you.

Since this is an old thread, and has been dormant for a couple of years, you may not get replies from the people who previously posted in it, although of course other people may still reply. If you like I could make your post into a new thread of it's own? [Moderator note: this is now the new thread]

Welcome again, I hope you find support, help and validation here, you're not alone, I'm sure others will hear and maybe recognise from their own experience what you're saying

 

[im_broken]

Hi im_broken to the forum, good to have you here.

I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to you, and how difficult it's making it for you to cope. You are the victim here, it's hard sometimes to fully believe that I know. You do deserve to live, you were abused and it damaged you deeply, and none of that is your fault, you aren't a bad person because of what happened to you.

Since this is an old thread, and has been dormant for a couple of years, you may not get replies from the people who previously posted in it, although of course other people may still reply. If you like I could make your post into a new thread of it's own?

Welcome again, I hope you find support, help and validation here, you're not alone, I'm sure others will hear and maybe recognise from their own experience what you're saying

Absolutely! I would appreciate the help since im new and have no idea how to work the forum. Thanks so much for your words, i almost cried, its my time to heal. Thanks so much again for the help a new thread would be great.

 

[Black Despondency]

I still don't know how to stop the my inappropriate feelings, thoughts and urges.
I have had inappropriate sexual thoughts and feelings for years without any idea as to why I had them until I was 28. I used to wake up from nightmares in cold sweats terrified feeling with no memory of the nightmares. Amongst other medications I was on for anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and attention deficit disorder, my psychiatrist prescribed me escitalopram brand name Lexapro. I started to remember these nightmares they were like a time machine to Hell, all of the sensations physical and emotional were like a perfect flashback of what happened. I went from one nightmares to the next without any memory of the last one, until I remember it all at once like a giant tsunami. I have sleep paralysis so every once in a while I would wake up paralyzed and drift back to sleep. This would happen for about four hours before, I got to decide whether to risk "sleeping" again with the possibility of normal sleep or to forgo getting any more sleep. If I didn't sleep more this would increase the possibility of another night of horror. I became afraid of sleeping for at least a few months. After I stopped escitalopram those nightmares went away and so did the waking up in cold sweats and terror with no memory of why. I could have continued taking escitalopram for about two more weeks and the nightmares would most likely stop and I had a feeling that escitalopram would help me work through some of my psychological problems, but I decided I didn't want to risk the continuation of this risk of torture. Continues REM sleep is common for me if I'm very sleep deprived.
I think talking to my psychologist would probably help, but I don't feel comfortable doing this. I feel like I need to find someone with similar problems that truly understands what it's like, to have these feelings. Send me a private message if you want to talk about anything, just vent or for advice.

 

[im_broken]

That must have been so hard to go through. So many things can affect our mental health and sleep is definitely one of them. Its been really hard for me to talk to anyone about it but i finally told my best friend and my partner. It was a huge release and they were so understanding and compassionate but that didnt really take away from how awful i felt, and i realized i was using them for reassurance as ive been reading into OCD and PURE O, which is basically the intrusive thoughts we have and the anxiety and debilitating fear we get from them. I definitely understand and if you ever need to talk as well feel free to send me a pm too.