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Help, we don't know what to do now...different perspective

M

Mallory

New member
Joined
Jan 23, 2016
Messages
2
Hello, I am not directly involved with the person who has BPD, my husband is.

It started out as a friendship with the woman who has BPD. She slowly became more involved in my husband's life. Then when we were having problems in our marriage she started asking inappropriate questions, sex life questions etc... She continued contacting my husband telling him that things were not going well in her marriage, she was thinking of leaving her husband. Then suggested that they run away together. She'd make comments how she wanted to *eff* him... how she would gladly *give it up for him*, calling him babe and other pet names. Every email ended with I love you.
During this time, she was friendly to both our child and me. Even having my daughter over to decorate cookies and both of us for a party. (this is worrisome for me)
Then I found the emails....
My husband and I discussed the situation. We decided to work on our marriage.
He told her he was going to work things out with me.

She then, with in a couple of weeks, emailed my husband saying she left her husband.
A couple of days later, messages about her wanting to go out partying with a mutual married friend, with a heavy implication of sex. My husband saying that it wasn't a good idea and stating that the friends wife would not appreciate even the offer. The woman said the wife was a "non-issue".
Then a few days later she was out with friends and had sex with her friends boyfriend. The first thing she did was message my husband about it. She claimed she was raped. Then went into DETAIL about everything that happened. There were questions right away if she was telling the truth. My husband has dealt with rape victims in the past, this is why he thought she contacted him, however she wasn't acting like a typical rape victim. He spent several hours over IM talking her into calling the police and going to the hospital. She was focused on what the blood alcohol tests would be. Mentioned that the doctor said she was very calm for a rape victim. She continued to contact him and was clearly looking for different responses than she got from him. His were very straight forward, you need professional help, you need your family, etc. Kept the topic away from him.

A few days later she claimed her estranged husband attacked her and was arrested for assault. Her story about what happened has changed several times.

Her daughter has since moved out of their house and refuses to talk to her.

She then gave my husband a very extravagant gift for helping her out during this stressful time. All he did was answer emails. He has been out of town on business so I know there was nothing more. He has forwarded me messages so I was kept in the loop of what was going on.

What we are stuck with now is how to deal with her and the situation. We are in the same circle of friends, we will run into her again.

She is very fragile right now, I understand that, my husband understands that, but we don't know how to handle this.
She has lied about so many things in her life that my husband doesn't know what is actually true or not.
He is a very kind caring man. I need this woman out of our lives so we can move on with our lives and heal from the affair.

She continues to contact him with her drama, even asked him to attend the rape trial with her. He seriously doubts there will be one. It turns out the girlfriend found the woman naked on the sofa... not the story she told my husband or the police.

She has alluded to being hospitalized before and says she dislikes the medication and won't take it. She has mentioned suicide on several occasions.

The concern is how he makes it clear that there will be nothing between them. He is worried that she may harm herself when he gets home and there is no relationship. I'm worried for my husband and our child.
 
Nikita

Nikita

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 20, 2015
Messages
4,931
:welcome:Mallory,

It may seem cruel and a bit harsh,my advice is cut this woman off,don't talk to her or answer her emails or behave as if she is a friend.She is obviously not a friend to you or your husband seeing as she ignored you and propositioned your husband and now she has gone on to other subjects of her interest and accusing them of rape.She is obviously ill.Tell your husband it is not in his interests to maintain any sort of contact with this woman and to resist the urge to answer her emails and if you find yourselves at the same function as her make it clear you do not want to be friends or have further to do with her.It is for the best both for yu and your husband,this woman will have to work on getting herself and her life in order far away from you so she can't hurt you and your family.

Welcome to the forum I hope you enjoy it here.Nikitax
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,161
Hello, I am not directly involved with the person who has BPD, my husband is.

It started out as a friendship with the woman who has BPD. She slowly became more involved in my husband's life. Then when we were having problems in our marriage she started asking inappropriate questions, sex life questions etc... She continued contacting my husband telling him that things were not going well in her marriage, she was thinking of leaving her husband. Then suggested that they run away together. She'd make comments how she wanted to *eff* him... how she would gladly *give it up for him*, calling him babe and other pet names. Every email ended with I love you.
During this time, she was friendly to both our child and me. Even having my daughter over to decorate cookies and both of us for a party. (this is worrisome for me)
Then I found the emails....
My husband and I discussed the situation. We decided to work on our marriage.
He told her he was going to work things out with me.

She then, with in a couple of weeks, emailed my husband saying she left her husband.
A couple of days later, messages about her wanting to go out partying with a mutual married friend, with a heavy implication of sex. My husband saying that it wasn't a good idea and stating that the friends wife would not appreciate even the offer. The woman said the wife was a "non-issue".
Then a few days later she was out with friends and had sex with her friends boyfriend. The first thing she did was message my husband about it. She claimed she was raped. Then went into DETAIL about everything that happened. There were questions right away if she was telling the truth. My husband has dealt with rape victims in the past, this is why he thought she contacted him, however she wasn't acting like a typical rape victim. He spent several hours over IM talking her into calling the police and going to the hospital. She was focused on what the blood alcohol tests would be. Mentioned that the doctor said she was very calm for a rape victim. She continued to contact him and was clearly looking for different responses than she got from him. His were very straight forward, you need professional help, you need your family, etc. Kept the topic away from him.

A few days later she claimed her estranged husband attacked her and was arrested for assault. Her story about what happened has changed several times.

Her daughter has since moved out of their house and refuses to talk to her.

She then gave my husband a very extravagant gift for helping her out during this stressful time. All he did was answer emails. He has been out of town on business so I know there was nothing more. He has forwarded me messages so I was kept in the loop of what was going on.

What we are stuck with now is how to deal with her and the situation. We are in the same circle of friends, we will run into her again.

She is very fragile right now, I understand that, my husband understands that, but we don't know how to handle this.
She has lied about so many things in her life that my husband doesn't know what is actually true or not.
He is a very kind caring man. I need this woman out of our lives so we can move on with our lives and heal from the affair.

She continues to contact him with her drama, even asked him to attend the rape trial with her. He seriously doubts there will be one. It turns out the girlfriend found the woman naked on the sofa... not the story she told my husband or the police.

She has alluded to being hospitalized before and says she dislikes the medication and won't take it. She has mentioned suicide on several occasions.

The concern is how he makes it clear that there will be nothing between them. He is worried that she may harm herself when he gets home and there is no relationship. I'm worried for my husband and our child.
Hi,

My advice would be to do nothing.

The more attention you give her the worse she will become.

She is unwell therefore unlikely to be able to do anything to you, she will be too disorganized. Just increase your general awareness, make sure your child and school know about Potential Risk, take general precautions to tighten your own security.

I would ask before you accept social invites "is X going to be there?" so people understand you have an issue with her, and work on getting a new social group so you can avoid her entirely.

I would not answer the phone to her or reply to her texts at all. If she persists in approaching her you can take a step further, being first warning her then actually going to Police and obtaining a Restraining order.

What's most likely to happen is she'll lose interest once you stop feeding her and attach herself to a more vulnerable emotional source.

Also I know your hub is a nice guy and all but im wondering if hes gone too far with this woman, emotionally at least.
 
M

Mallory

New member
Joined
Jan 23, 2016
Messages
2
Yes I think he has possibly gone to far emotionally. He didn't start the conversations about our sex life with her, but he did discus it. At one point he wouldn't answer me when I asked if he was in love with her. This was before all the "rape" etc. drama. He does feel like he was targeted in a way. I was busy and was neglecting him. He ended up alone at dinner meetings with her and then at alone at parties where she was at. There was flirting before hand, however neither I or him that it was flirting at the time. They would get in arguments about literature or whatever.
From the emails I saw she was the one who would talk about sex when he got home, she was the one who said "I love you" and she used the pet names, although he had called her "sunshine" before.
He said that he felt like she was pressuring him to join in the "talk" in the emails. From what I saw he didn't. But there was mild flirting. He got his hair cut short and said that "the cold was getting his attention :)"
After I found the emails, he told her that he was going to work on our marriage.
It was about two weeks later when she said she left her husband and all the drama started.
I am very worried that she still thinks that they will have relationship when he gets back into town.
He had previously purchased a Christmas present for her, in which she started crying when she received. He bought it when we were not doing well in our marriage, but it was already at her house when we decided to work on the marriage.
All of this combined makes me worry that she truly thinks there will be a relationship. Or that she is creating drama to keep him involved with her.
I'm worried that if things don't go the way she thinks they should she could harm herself, my husband or even our child. I just don't know.
 
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