HELP. ROCD or real feelings!

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ROCD89

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Aug 1, 2016
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Hi. My name is Ian, and I am a 26 year old gay male. Recently, and for the first time in a while, I entered a relationship with an amazing man. I have lived with OCD and anxiety/depression for 13+ years. In 2009-2010, I was in a serious relationship in which I first discovered that I was living with ROCD. I loved my partner deeply, but always doubted the intimacy of the relationship, doubted whether or not I was physically and romantically attracted to him, obsessed majorly when I would see another attractive male that there was someone better for me or that I would cheat, and lived with that anxiety for a long time. Then reality kicked in. We broke up in June of 2010 after a year long relationship, and I was purely emotional - not "thinking" at all. It took me nearly a year and a half to recover from the loss.

In all of my relationships since then, I've experienced this type of OCD, but not to the degree that I did in that relationship. Mainly, I focused on my partner cheating on me and obsessed about that, primarily.

Fast forward to now. Typically, I go for masculine, in shape guys. However, I met my current partner, and we rushed into a relationship because of how strongly things progressed. About a week into the relationship, I was doubting my partner so badly because of his flamboyancy that I completely convinced myself that I had no feelings for him and didn't want a relationship with him. This caused severe anxiety - I can't even explain it. It was literally a rush of anxiety running through my body like a bolt of electricity. I broke up with him via text, and immediately regretted the decision. All of the affect came in. I knew it wasn't what I wanted, and I literally had a mental and emotional breakdown. We stayed together. For about a week after that, I felt very content, because my emotions in reaction to breaking up with him were a testament that I DID indeed feel for him deeply. However, as the excitement of the beginning of a relatonship begins to slow down, I'm having a general feeling of nothingness. I'm complacent. I feel like when I see a picture of him, I'm neutral. I don't have any attraction towards him. I wouldn't care if we broke up, but I'm not breaking up with him. It's a state of complacency that's causing me to feel like I don't care for him deeply and that I wouldn't care if we weren't together anymore. When I see an attractive guy in person or on Facebook/Instagram, I analyze their characteristics so closely and make myself believe that I should be with someone more attractive. But I'm almost "used" to the anxiety, so it's not causing me a lot of distress. Which in turn, is causing me distress. Because I'm not having a reaction to these unwanted thoughts, I feel like this isn't OCD but an actua true feeling for once. But I have no intention or desire to break up with him. Please help with any advice you have, as I am suffering and don't know what to believe. Thank you.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Dear ROCD, I'm sorry you are driving yourself crazy so to speak. The main thing about a relationship is you are suppose to be best friends, not just sex objects. I have a gay son and he dated his bf for several years before moving in together. These are two important points that I hope you'll seriously consider.
 
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