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Help please, from those who have got through the worst!

B

Buzzy Bee

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2016
Messages
7
Hi everyone. I never imagined myself writing this on a public forum but I'm just going to do it, because a) I want to hear from those of you who may relate and who can tell me that it is possible to get through it and b) I just need to tell someone. I have sought help from medics and family/friends etc but no one really understands a word I say. Thank you in advance for those who read and respond to my story with positive words.

Events that led to this place (don't wade through if you can't be bothered, it's long!)

Picture this: I was a successful, happy, bright young woman with everything to live for. I had a successful little business bringing in money for holidays, a home in the country with horses, a wonderful family, a loving 5 year relationship and plans of a future together, and I was away at university studying a degree I loved. I had attained first class marks in every module to date and was filling my LinkedIn with every award and opportunity you can imagine.

However, it was stressful. Most of the time, I was just working for the future, waiting for the moment where I was going to start living. I kept putting off date nights with my boyfriend telling him 'not long now and I'm all yours'. In February, that moment was within sight- just a mere 3 months away and I was would be there, living the plans penciled in my diary.

But I started becoming anxious. I was scared of everything. I kept thinking I was being poisoned. I became obsessive, cleaning the fridge and washing everything over and over just in case. I had feelings of dread and doom. I kept thinking something was going to come along and take my dreams from me and my loved ones.

In February, I had a minor accident in the lab where I splashed a chemical in my eye and even after having it checked out and told there was no damage, I couldn't bear the minor inconvenience of the pain while it healed. I went back to the doctors hoping they could give me some drops or something to take away the pain. But while I was there, the doctor informed me that I had an eye disease and needed an MRI scan.

I felt anxious about the scan, and the night before, whilst I was relaxing in bed looking up festival dates and putting them in my diary, a voice came into my head and it said: "If you have the scan tomorrow, you'll never do those things". The feeling I was going to die was so strong that I tidied the flat and paired my socks thinking 'my mum will be pleased I was a tidy person'. But I told myself to stop being so morbid. It was a routine MRI, what could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly go wrong... well, everything. During the scan I experienced shocking in time with the noises. I realised I had my hands crossed, which I'd read was a no-no. I pressed the button and this time, moved my hands to my belly. I managed to think about other things to get through to the end.

When I sat up, I could feel a strange 'pulling' sensation on my head. My head had swollen slightly. I shrugged it off as I felt in a bit of a daze, and was glad I was still alive.

My dad asked if I was okay because I had gone quiet. I felt odd, but I couldn't describe why. When he dropped me home and left, I cried that he was gone. I guess I just missed him.

That evening though, my body began to change. I felt very itchy, and when I scratched, huge red lines and welts appeared. Then my ears started to feel hot inside. The burning feeling grew stronger, until it was all over my face, then scalp. The next morning my skin was super sensitive, and my chest, arms and back were burning, like a kind of nerve pain. I went red like I'd been in a sun bed too long. I came over with a sudden flu-like fever, but according to the doctor I went to, I had no temperature.

I began vomiting constantly. I couldn't eat a thing. I likened it to how I imagined severe radiation sickness would be. I knew the scan had done something to me, but I didn't know what. Within days, I'd lost a stone and was wasting away. I was so tired I could barely walk or talk. I had to crawl to my bed and hope the pain would go away.

It didn't. I would have to use menthol cream or wet towels to allow me to sleep. I was living alone, and I was terrified. No doctor could tell me what had happened to me. I searched online looking for answers. The scan uses magnetic fields and radio waves to produce images. Was this a microwave burn? How could the scan do this to me? Then I came across something: Electrohypersensitivity.

At last I had an answer. I joined a support group on Facebook. But it was not what I wanted to hear. People with EHS never get better. They live a life of isolation. "Get away from the city asap!" they advised. "You're bound to be grieving for the life you lost" they consoled. "I can no longer go to shops or restaurants or leave my home, but you get used to it" one assured.

My health deteriorated. By this point, not only was I sick, my mind was damaged by what I had seen. I was forced to quit university just weeks before the end. I watched as my friends posted pictures of their completed dissertations online. I saw pictures of the end of year ball on Facebook. I looked on as they posted 'It's done, time to party!'.

All the while, I am in constant pain, looking at the broken dreams around me. A new suitcase, bought for the holiday we cancelled. High heel shoes, a bottle of champagne saved especially for graduation.

Now here is the part I need help with.

Four months since that fateful day have passed, and I am in the worst place imaginable. All I see when I look back over these last few months is darkness. I am in the deepest depression, resigned to a life of isolation and misery and yet not brave enough to end it.

This is not a suicide threat. I am not going to end my life, but I feel as though every day I live is just a pointless day because soon I will not be able to take any more and will leave this world. I need to clarify, that is a feeling, not a threat or cry for help regarding that.

I feel as though my body has been taken, that Belinda did die in the scan, and that I am no longer me. I feel as though life has such a big shadow over it that life used to just be life, but now it is a shadow. It is hard to describe. I used to wake up and think 'Ah, what to do today'. When I was having a bad day I'd wake up and think 'Oh no, I can't face that that/person/problem/challenge'. This is different. I feel that those thoughts have gone. I am just damaged, and life does not exist in it's pre-scan form.

I feel traumatized by what I've seen happen to me and can't believe or accept that it has really happened. I feel as though I am a character in a horror movie like The Fly, except it is real. It's like one long nightmare I can't wake up from.

No one understands and I'm not getting the help I need. Perhaps no one can help. But I think someone here might relate. I hope so, because at the moment I am so incredible alone and frightened.

Why have you posted this in PTSD? You may ask. Perhaps I have depression? Perhaps anxiety? Perhaps none of those things. I don't get flash backs to the scan or a specific moment, but rather, I get flashbacks to any moment in that time, in that flat, rotting, by myself, burning, literally, in hell. The feeling of fear and doom never leaves me, but when things ram it home some more, like the word MRI written somewhere, or my old uni books, I turn, and act aggressively, or start repeating myself. I sometimes beat myself up, this horrible body I am left with. Then I cry and say sorry to my body (it is not my body's fault I put it in that machine).

Some of the phrases that keep coming out when I 'flip' are "safer than an ultrasound" (something the radiologist said to me as she helped me get in the scan); "life was just life"; "everything was good, everything was fine, everything was good, everything was fine". It's like I am on repeat, and I can't get over that 'lip'. I am stuck, my head not able to come to grips with what has happened.

Not only this, but I am wrought with guilt. I didn't want the scan, I had a bad feeling about it. After doing my research, I found out that the eye disease I didn't have was self-limiting. I ask why I didn't look that up before and prevent my life being ruined.

Even now, I can't describe it properly. But I feel like I can't ever get back on the tracks. I was heading towards my goals and dreams so fast and free, then I was derailed, and it's like I am lost and can't find my way back to Belinda. She has gone.

Is is possible to get through?

That's what I want to know. I have no idea if the burning pain will ever stop, or if I will ever be able to use my phone etc without pain again. I doubt I will ever go anywhere without fearing wifi, or remembering I'm 'different', or being haunted by 'knowing what I now know'. But will I be able to find Belinda again? Will I be able to get back on the tracks and start to see life as life, not some long, dark, never-ending nightmare?

Possibly you can't answer this, but if you have ever got through something major and began to feel 'you' again, I would love to read your story.
 
Nikita

Nikita

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 20, 2015
Messages
4,860
I can't tell you my story tonight Belinda but I have had many illnesses ,mental as well as physical.I have had extreme stress and emotional,psychological mental and verbal abuse.I was a prisoner in my own home I was imprisoned by my family and neglected and abused and called lazy when I was ill. I've been misdiagnosed by doctors and had them fail to diagnose serious illness. I've been through the mental health system for 28 years and endure all the hardships and abuse through that from various doctors and nurses. I've had drugs forced on me and ECT. I have just endured extreme psychological abuse and domestic violence from my narcissistic mothers and sister.

Belinda I promise you there is a way through it and there is a solution to your problem so don't feel that your life will be destroyed forever.Forgive me I have had a tough week and a long and tough day today so can't say much else.Except I will be on the forum in future and if you need support I will offer it.My advice is to arm yourself with knowledge of your condition with a view to finding the solution and don't let yourself be frightened by the stories of others going through it we all react differently others resign themselves to being ill forever others actively seek solutions.Don't give up is what I am saying.HugsxxxNikitaxxxx
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
22,983
Location
England
Hi,
I get burning pain with my arthritis, I understand chronic pain. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope your able to find some answers.
Take care
 
life2live

life2live

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 9, 2014
Messages
1,529
I can only relate to my own experience and its taken some time for me to realise that person I was before has gone. That is to say experiences change you and shape your future. I had a similar fall from a good life into darkness due to a variety of reasons culminating in getting sectioned several times. I didn't realise at first just how much this would affect my life or future. Certainly I was also racked with guilt and wished I could go back and make different decisions, but you can't. Several years on I am rebuilding my life and working again. Slowly you need to reconnect with the world first. Forget about your ambitions and dreams for the time being and start by doing the simple things. For me I made it a goal to go for a walk. To get out the house. To look after myself. Then build from there.

I think when you go through extreme experiences like this you do change. But you become a new version of yourself, maybe in some ways a better person. Its only four months since all this happened so its not long at all especially as you are still in pain. I hope that gets better for you really soon. Maybe then you will see a way forward but don't be surprised if it takes you down a different path in life that might ultimately be a more rewarding one. I still get bad days but I do believe its possible to get through such things and come out the other side.
 
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