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Help! My partners depression effect our family

S

supportingpartner

New member
Joined
Feb 16, 2021
Messages
3
Location
UK
My partner has suffered with depression our entire relationship. His brother committed suicide and ever since he has had depression. His mum was very unsupportive and used to tell him to “stop being stupid” or “don’t be silly”.
Since we got together over 4 years ago, I’ve always supported him, and he’s always supported me. We have suffered 3+ years of infertility and recurrent miscarriage. I was in a serious car accident in August 2018 which between that and the miscarriages led me to have PTSD and severe anxiety where i would not leave the house. Thankfully I received CBT and am controlling it much better.
in August 2020 we welcomed our rainbow baby into the world.
The last few months my partner has become more and more depressed, it comes in waves. I always ask how he is, tell him I’m worried about him, I’m here if he wants to talk, etc...
Recently if ever I’m upset he makes it about him, he constantly makes comments about suicide and me and the baby being better off without him, he hits himself in front of me and the baby despite me telling him not to, everything I say or do is wrong.
Im running the house, looking after a baby, a dog, trying to start my own business and he makes comments like “I go to work all day and I come home and have to cook tea” when I’ve not sat down all day myself. When I get that comment everyday and it’s starting to knock me down and make me feel rubbish, but when I confront him he just says “I was only joking” and I explain how I don’t feel like it’s a joke and he says “I’m just crap you’d be better off without me”.
Other times when he gets in from work he will say he’s tired and just go upstairs, no help with the baby, any jobs around the house, cooking the baby’s food or ours.
Since the birth of our baby I haven’t wanted to have sex much, whenever he tries to come onto me I say no and he takes offence to that and makes out like I’m the bad guy because I say no and then goes miserable and makes me feel like it’s all my fault.
He has a go at me if I ask him to watch the baby while I go for a shower.
I’m at a loose end as to what I do. I don’t know how much more I can take myself. Remaining strong for my baby, whilst doing everything and just putting up with him making me feel crap. I’ve wondered if I’m best leaving him but I worry if I did he’d kill himself and I don’t want that. I love him. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t sleep at night worrying what the next day will bring, I don’t get a minute to myself.
Help, I need advice, anything!?
 
S

Sweetcream1

Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Britain
My goodness, first off I’d like to say well done, I can’t ever imagine the emotions you went through during those harsh years of your life and yet you’ve remained in one piece. It takes a special kind of commitment and determination to overcome horrors like those.

I can, somewhat, understand what you’re going through because I currently live with my parents and my father suffers from CPTSD, anxiety and depression. It doesn’t make things better by the fact that he is a child in a mans body. I hate him and sometimes wish for his demise, but at the end of the day he’s my father and he’s been with me for my entire life, given up so much for my well-being and for that I love him dearly.

With that being said he has his moments, like your partner, but his tends to be much more aggressive to the point where physical violence is present amongst my home. He’ll cuss like the there is no tomorrow and throw and break whatever he can. He has strangled me, thrown me, violently shaken me, and yet I’ll always have a love/hatred towards him because he was there in my life, because he loved me.

I hope the things I mentioned were relevant to your issue, to a degree of course, because what I’m about to tell you may be the worst thing that you can do, but unfortunately maybe the best move for yourself and I do apologize for bringing up such an idea.


You may have to think about leaving him, take your baby and head elsewhere, for the sake of your health, the sake of the baby’s future health and perhaps for the sake of your partners health. Bringing up such a sensitive young child with a negative mother and father is terrible and will eventually lead to him/her suffering mental illnesses in the future. Your partners self of steam is dwindling as you continue to respectfully refuse sex which all leads to a domino affect leading to the both of you feeling worst. You continue to feel worst by acknowledging that what you’ve said/done will make your lover feel worst.


I truly feel bad for mentioning an idea like this but I really do believe that a separation might have to be your plan B, if no one else offers a better idea than me. This fight is something that I don’t see can be won by the two of you, if anything it seems as if you two exacerbate this horrendous battle.

I really hope that this response has helped you in any way shape or form.
 
S

supportingpartner

New member
Joined
Feb 16, 2021
Messages
3
Location
UK
My goodness, first off I’d like to say well done, I can’t ever imagine the emotions you went through during those harsh years of your life and yet you’ve remained in one piece. It takes a special kind of commitment and determination to overcome horrors like those.

I can, somewhat, understand what you’re going through because I currently live with my parents and my father suffers from CPTSD, anxiety and depression. It doesn’t make things better by the fact that he is a child in a mans body. I hate him and sometimes wish for his demise, but at the end of the day he’s my father and he’s been with me for my entire life, given up so much for my well-being and for that I love him dearly.

With that being said he has his moments, like your partner, but his tends to be much more aggressive to the point where physical violence is present amongst my home. He’ll cuss like the there is no tomorrow and throw and break whatever he can. He has strangled me, thrown me, violently shaken me, and yet I’ll always have a love/hatred towards him because he was there in my life, because he loved me.

I hope the things I mentioned were relevant to your issue, to a degree of course, because what I’m about to tell you may be the worst thing that you can do, but unfortunately maybe the best move for yourself and I do apologize for bringing up such an idea.


You may have to think about leaving him, take your baby and head elsewhere, for the sake of your health, the sake of the baby’s future health and perhaps for the sake of your partners health. Bringing up such a sensitive young child with a negative mother and father is terrible and will eventually lead to him/her suffering mental illnesses in the future. Your partners self of steam is dwindling as you continue to respectfully refuse sex which all leads to a domino affect leading to the both of you feeling worst. You continue to feel worst by acknowledging that what you’ve said/done will make your lover feel worst.


I truly feel bad for mentioning an idea like this but I really do believe that a separation might have to be your plan B, if no one else offers a better idea than me. This fight is something that I don’t see can be won by the two of you, if anything it seems as if you two exacerbate this horrendous battle.

I really hope that this response has helped you in any way shape or form.
Thank you for your response.
First off, I hope you’re ok! You sounds like you’ve been through a lot too!

Of course, ending the relationship and walking away is really my last resort. I would love to be able to make it work, but I feel the only way that will happen is if he accepts he needs to seek help. I worry if I was to walk away that he would give up and end it which of course I don’t want either.

I still can’t sleep and I know I’ve got the baby to look after so it’s not doing me any favours as I will feel exhausted.
Part of me wants to stay awake to prove a point as my partner always says he’s had an awful nights sleep and that’s why he’s tired as he woke up 5+ times, yet I would have been awake with the baby and he wouldn’t wake at all, so I’d like to see if he does wake at all and see what his response is. He fell asleep at 10pm and has not woken once so far, he gets up for work at 6am.
I feel cruel saying this, but I do feel that he exaggerates/says things to get effect/attention which is not fair as my main priority is our baby
 
S

supportingpartner

New member
Joined
Feb 16, 2021
Messages
3
Location
UK
My goodness, first off I’d like to say well done, I can’t ever imagine the emotions you went through during those harsh years of your life and yet you’ve remained in one piece. It takes a special kind of commitment and determination to overcome horrors like those.

I can, somewhat, understand what you’re going through because I currently live with my parents and my father suffers from CPTSD, anxiety and depression. It doesn’t make things better by the fact that he is a child in a mans body. I hate him and sometimes wish for his demise, but at the end of the day he’s my father and he’s been with me for my entire life, given up so much for my well-being and for that I love him dearly.

With that being said he has his moments, like your partner, but his tends to be much more aggressive to the point where physical violence is present amongst my home. He’ll cuss like the there is no tomorrow and throw and break whatever he can. He has strangled me, thrown me, violently shaken me, and yet I’ll always have a love/hatred towards him because he was there in my life, because he loved me.

I hope the things I mentioned were relevant to your issue, to a degree of course, because what I’m about to tell you may be the worst thing that you can do, but unfortunately maybe the best move for yourself and I do apologize for bringing up such an idea.


You may have to think about leaving him, take your baby and head elsewhere, for the sake of your health, the sake of the baby’s future health and perhaps for the sake of your partners health. Bringing up such a sensitive young child with a negative mother and father is terrible and will eventually lead to him/her suffering mental illnesses in the future. Your partners self of steam is dwindling as you continue to respectfully refuse sex which all leads to a domino affect leading to the both of you feeling worst. You continue to feel worst by acknowledging that what you’ve said/done will make your lover feel worst.


I truly feel bad for mentioning an idea like this but I really do believe that a separation might have to be your plan B, if no one else offers a better idea than me. This fight is something that I don’t see can be won by the two of you, if anything it seems as if you two exacerbate this horrendous battle.

I really hope that this response has helped you in any way shape or form.
Development on last night. He woke me up at 6:48 and said he really doesn’t want to get up, I told him to take the day off, do nothing, take time for himself, I fell back off to sleep. 7:35 he comes upstairs crying, he rang work and asked could he take the next few days as holidays and he burst out crying to them, told them what’s wrong and he’s rang 111, spoken to them and he’s ringing the doctor and a local mental health charity at 9am when they open.
For the first time ever, I feel he may actually get the help and support he needs. I can’t believe I’ve woken up to this after I felt the way I did last night, but I’m so pleased and proud he’s reached out for help.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
936
My partner has suffered with depression our entire relationship. His brother committed suicide and ever since he has had depression. His mum was very unsupportive and used to tell him to “stop being stupid” or “don’t be silly”.
Since we got together over 4 years ago, I’ve always supported him, and he’s always supported me. We have suffered 3+ years of infertility and recurrent miscarriage. I was in a serious car accident in August 2018 which between that and the miscarriages led me to have PTSD and severe anxiety where i would not leave the house. Thankfully I received CBT and am controlling it much better.
in August 2020 we welcomed our rainbow baby into the world.
The last few months my partner has become more and more depressed, it comes in waves. I always ask how he is, tell him I’m worried about him, I’m here if he wants to talk, etc...
Recently if ever I’m upset he makes it about him, he constantly makes comments about suicide and me and the baby being better off without him, he hits himself in front of me and the baby despite me telling him not to, everything I say or do is wrong.
Im running the house, looking after a baby, a dog, trying to start my own business and he makes comments like “I go to work all day and I come home and have to cook tea” when I’ve not sat down all day myself. When I get that comment everyday and it’s starting to knock me down and make me feel rubbish, but when I confront him he just says “I was only joking” and I explain how I don’t feel like it’s a joke and he says “I’m just crap you’d be better off without me”.
Other times when he gets in from work he will say he’s tired and just go upstairs, no help with the baby, any jobs around the house, cooking the baby’s food or ours.
Since the birth of our baby I haven’t wanted to have sex much, whenever he tries to come onto me I say no and he takes offence to that and makes out like I’m the bad guy because I say no and then goes miserable and makes me feel like it’s all my fault.
He has a go at me if I ask him to watch the baby while I go for a shower.
I’m at a loose end as to what I do. I don’t know how much more I can take myself. Remaining strong for my baby, whilst doing everything and just putting up with him making me feel crap. I’ve wondered if I’m best leaving him but I worry if I did he’d kill himself and I don’t want that. I love him. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t sleep at night worrying what the next day will bring, I don’t get a minute to myself.
Help, I need advice, anything!?
depression is very hard....i knwo when i was depressed i could be percieved as aloof.....and im not thatway naturally....when im myslef ima likeable friendly guy but when the dark clouds of depression come im very withdrawn and aloof.....trust me i dont want to be like that, its the depression
 
S

Sweetcream1

Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Britain
That’s certainly a new thing to consider now. So not only do you keep yourself sleep deprived for the sake of proving a point to your partner, but your partner also goes out of his way to seek attention?

if attention is what he seeks then perhaps give him attention from other people, his friends, family, psychologists.

However on your side that’s something different. I truly don’t feel as if it’s fair on you to constantly take responsibility of your child, a child should be managed by both mother and father to teach both love and discipline. On the other hand I don’t know how long you’ve been taking care of your baby but I’d it’s for a prolong amount of time then you may want to he’s not getting the idea and instead needs a reality check that he is very much a father and like all fathers, they must nurture their loved one(s).


I would never belittle ones ability to care for a child when they suffer mental illnesses and I don’t want to seem disrespectful in any way. If your baby is destroying your sleep then I would highly advise you to hire someone to help take care of your baby whilst you attempt to get some sleep, or perhaps put them in a nursery.

Sleep deprivation will only lead to a faster decline of mental health. Perhaps start with your own health before worrying too much on others.
 
S

Sweetcream1

Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Britain
Development on last night. He woke me up at 6:48 and said he really doesn’t want to get up, I told him to take the day off, do nothing, take time for himself, I fell back off to sleep. 7:35 he comes upstairs crying, he rang work and asked could he take the next few days as holidays and he burst out crying to them, told them what’s wrong and he’s rang 111, spoken to them and he’s ringing the doctor and a local mental health charity at 9am when they open.
For the first time ever, I feel he may actually get the help and support he needs. I can’t believe I’ve woken up to this after I felt the way I did last night, but I’m so pleased and proud he’s reached out for help.
Thats fantastic news! Hopefully this will be the first step in his life to heal himself.
 
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