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Help, my husband is suicidal

J

Julia

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Joined
Apr 5, 2009
Messages
4
My husband has tonight told me that last night he would have committed suicide had it not been for our daughter - he couldn't bear the thought of her growing up knowing that her Dad had killed himself. He has suffered from depression and de-personalisation disorder in the past but there has been no sign of this for years. Suddenly yesterday afternoon he became very withdrawn for no apparent reason (we had had a lovely day up to then) and since then when I've been in his presence (all day really!) he has made me feel as though he hates me and can't stand to be around me.

I know this is a selfish thought and although I am seriously worried and very upset, the fact that he has been treating me like this makes me feel as though he doesn't care about me or love me. When he has been severely depressed in the past he has always said that it is our daughter and I that keep him going - now this is only our daughter and no mention of me! I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. I also feel very guilty about these feelings as I know he is obviously suffering but he will not even look at me let alone talk to me and I just don't know what to do............please someone help!
 
invise

invise

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 11, 2008
Messages
192
Location
Aberdeen
Hi Julia,

Hope everything gets better soon. Try to just be there for him, I know its hard. A lot of people have very single track thoughts when they're depressed, and often its not what they truly feel. Just because he mentioned your daughter and not you doesnt mean to say he doesnt still love you. im sure he does. I know that when im low and someone says even the smallest insignificant thing that triggers something in my mind ill make them pay for it. I dont mean to, i just do, even if they were the love of my life (and most usually its her that gets it!). I know its hard, but just try to be patient, ill bet he does love you just as much.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
When I'm suicidal I think only of how my cats will be looked after when I'm gone. I don't really think about people at all and yet I will often talk to my closest friends about how the cats keep me going and don't tell them how much I love them or how their love is what keeps me going. You do tend to get single minded and self-centred when you have a crisis. The important thing is that he's still with you.

Also the key thing is to remember is that you're an adult and your daughter is his child - it's much easier for an adult who's lived with someone with a mental health problem to come to terms with suicide than it it for a child (whatever their age).
 
J

Julia

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2009
Messages
4
Dear Invise and Dollit,

Thank you so much for replying to my message and for your words of advice. After a sleepless night and lots of thinking I somehow have managed to take a more positive view on the situation this morning. I do know that my husband loves me (after much rationalisation in my mind!) and your thoughts about how singular you can be when depressed have at least cleared this up in my mind. My husband actually started a conversation with me this morning (though brief) and the sense of relief I felt was overwhelming. In fact (and this may go off on a bit of a bizarre thread now) I then began to feel angry that he should make me feel like this - it is like living with an abusive partner and walking on eggshells and then being so relieved when they are having a 'good' day and not hurting you. I am very aware that I am seeing this from the 'other side' and not from the point of view of someone suffering from depression and don't mean to make out that I am suffering more than my husband, but I feel I should be honest and hopefully give this insight to anyone else out there in this position.

Sorry for rambling, I feel better now though! Thank you for your support it means a lot to be able to express my feelings to people who understand and are supportive x x
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,623
Hello Julia,

I find it very hard to talk to anyone about my depression etc and find that I chuck the odd not very helpful comment out like 'I wish I was dead' - 'The voices are hurting me'. I don;t mean to be like that its just I dont know how to share it and have always tried to deal with it on my own. I am sure I put my partner through the mill, but I don;t mean to hurt anyone - I just guess its sometimes all consuming and you forget about what it does to others, I didn;t even consider it until the questions were posed by my psychologist and doctor.

I hope you can get some help on here and don;t feel selfish talking about how you feel.
Take Care
KS
 
J

Julia

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2009
Messages
4
Dear KS

Thank you for your words. I am already so grateful I have found this site and forum and how much it is helping with my sanity! xxx:)
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,623
Well thats good then - What is sanity???!!! (harhar - joking)
Keep sharing - I am getting used to a bit of it myself now, thats how it has helped me here.:)

KS:hug:
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I'm glad it helps you by us being here. And I'm sure that we can learn a lot from you. That's the great thing about being able to talk freely about what you feel, you learn so much.
 
unlucky

unlucky

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Mar 21, 2009
Messages
2,858
Location
Glasgow
I'm glad you found us!! I will say this - I have told my husband on countless occasions that if anything happened to my daughter or if she weren't here I'd kill myself tomorrow. My thinking on this is not that I don't love my partner (I love him dearly) but that although I think he could cope and find someone better than me my daughter couldn't and I would end up jeopardizing her future mental health. I don't know if this is the same with your husband but I just wanted to explain how I've been feeling when I've said these things. Hope everythings okay xx
 
A

anastasia

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 26, 2009
Messages
90
i read your words about how your husband is acting and you know what, i'm doing just the same thing.

but noticing that you're doing it doesn't mean you can always change it. all i can say is that, i know it's hard right now but he has to have time to pull himself out of it. give him some space if he asks for it. i know that's what i want.
 
J

Julia

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Joined
Apr 5, 2009
Messages
4
Thank you everyone for responding to my post, I feel truly supported and very glad I found this forum. My husband and I have had a good talk tonight and told each other about how we are feeling which has lifted a huge burden, for both of us. My only concern is how quickly he suddenly seems to have 'recovered' and how long is this going to last. He doesn't want to seek medical help because he is scared of being sectioned and as I don't really know about this I can only reassure him so much. Is he likely to be sectioned for having suicidal thoughts, surely this is common amongst people suffering from depression?

Thank you for listening and being there xx
 
R

riverofdragons

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 8, 2008
Messages
274
I have never been sectioned for suicidal thoughts (and i have had plenty) but I would imagine it depends on your individual history and a risk assessment.

Fingers crossed that everything is ok for you
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Julia, even when I'm well I think of suicide most days. Have my little plans but it doesn't mean to say I'm going to follow through with them. They're just an option that I keep open just in case.

I receive DLA because I'm a danger to myself, my suicidal thoughts become so intense at times that I have to ring someone I'm close to, or my GP, or my consultant and sometimes the Samaritans until the intensity passes. I have Bipolar Disorder to quite a bad degree and I have never been in hospital let alone sectioned.

Take heart.
 
unlucky

unlucky

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Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
2,858
Location
Glasgow
I've been in hospital a few times for suicidal thoughts and self harming but i always went voluntarily. There have also been a few times when myself and my family thought I should have been hospitalised and i wasn't

I think nowadays its got to be really bad ie failed suicide attempt and saying your going to keep trying or really bad voices but thats just my opinion. i think the government are sorely lacking when it comes to mental health and in my experience they are getting worse not better.
 
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