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Help My Husband has Bipolar and I dont know what to do

S

SolarExpose

New member
Joined
Aug 27, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Oman
My husband had an episode 6 years ago (before I met him). I didnt get much information on what he experienced but I do know some of the reason why he went through it - his business partner has cheated and frame him and he was facing jail time for something he never did. Eventually it was proved he was innocent but it took a toll on him as he treated this person as a brother for many years.
Fast forward 3 years, when I met him he was mostly in depression and not coming to work (he owns his own company which he has along with his family and I work for his company), not going out, he was just at home sleeping eating what hing tv, repeat. Reason being that his family tried its best to keep him away from anything so to not go through the same episode.
i felt that was wrong and he shud change his lifestyle. Slowly we became friends and I managed to get him out of his depressioN. Over the course of 2 years he had low and high moments but vary rare within the time. We started dating and engaged. Before our wedding the doctor that was seeing him left the country which led to him changing his doctor. At this point the new doctor took him off depakine and put him on lamictal. From
That point on it was only high or low high or low one after the other. We got married and it continued, until the COVID lockdown in March which made him be normal for 5 months.
Recently we noticed he started not sleeping which leads to him getting high. We went to his doctor to try and prevent it but the doctor did not believe us and rather believed him who said he is feeling fine.
next day he had a breakdown. Started shouting and everyone and crying in front of everyone and asking everyone to take him to the hospital. Eventually we got him home (from work) and he was low and quiet and silently crying and being scared.
What led to this was that He believed his data was stolen and given to the same person who betrayed him 6 years ago. I cannot know if this is true or not but his family is adamant its all his imagination. My husband was ready to file a case against this person and show proof of it being true. But I never got to see any of it because of what happened next.
the next day all of a sudden he started being scared, thinking we are all in danger, imagining things, not knowing what year we are in, not recognizing our house, our dog, not knowing what he is doing. We managed to take him home and calm him a bit but the next week was a nightmare. He barely slept because he was refusing it, he kept having delusional thoughts, thinking he is talking to god, imagining people around, not recognizing me sometimes, destroying things around the house thinking he’s either fixing them or that they are possessed, praying in christianity or in muslim (he is christian), crying a lot of times, taking a million showers, trying to run away from home, getting really angry or being normal sometimes.
For 1 week 1 treatment was tried, which did not work, so the next week we changed it and it seems to be working slowly slowly.

My issue is - why did all this happen again? His family believes its black magic...
I want to know the scientific reason for it.
His family while taking care of him has not really been understanding of his situation. Instead of understanding that he is struggling and has no clue what he is doing, they start shouting at him, and complaining all the time. At one point they even told me its my duty to take care of him so i shud do it. I need to mention I am pregnant and due within a month.
It breaks my heart seeing him cry, when he is angry I am scared, and when he is normal I miss him so much I wanna cry again. Whenever I do cry in front of him he somehow softens and is normal.

His family is telling me that after he recovers I have to control him all the time and not let him talk to x y z people, meet people, do this or that. Basically he shud just be at home sleep eat watch tv repeat. I am strongly against it. Besides that I dont see how this will help him to learn to handle life, its also inhuman and not possible for me to do.
In the city we live most people are connected and his past will always come back if he has not overcome the trauma whether its true or not (like how his family is saying he is imagining the whole situation). Plus in his company it seems that everyone is cheating him. And obviously if you dont oversee your business. As a business owner he is suppose to do business which they never allow him to do. Sometimes he himself is crying and saying “I am 36 years old, you dont allow me to do anything. Not watch this, not go here, not have a phone, not have friends, how can i live like this?”
His family is saying we shud not tell him of what happened but I think he shud know the seriousness of it so that in future he would listen whenever I tell him he is getting high or low and needs medication adjustment.
I want to leave this country. I feel that he needs to rather have a 9-6 job where he doesn’t need to worry of people and work afters and where he doesn’t know anyone and can make new normal friends, not big shots that can hurt him. Plus be away from his controlling family.
I understand they are worried but this is not the correct approach and I feel its also what has contributed to the entire situation.

Please give some comments/inputs.
 
Alice Raven

Alice Raven

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
900
Location
USA
Hi Solar, my husband is also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder along with anxiety. He went through some things that are similar to what your husband went through. My husband worked in his father's firm before it was bought out when his father passed away. He had a traumatic experience in which the new owners were persecuting some of the old employees and my husband stood up for them and was essentially forced out.

I can say that his symptoms worsened greatly after this. I essentially had a crash course in what Bipolar is from a carer's point of view. Like your husband mine goes through a cycle where he doesn't sleep and it flows into a high episode on endless agitated energy and then a crash where he cannot get out of bed for days. Sometimes, an external event sets it off, but other times I suspect that it's chemical.

What made your husband think his data was stolen? I think that severe episodes of the manic phase can come with some delusional thinking. What makes his family think that this is black magic? From what I see and experience, medication does help my husband as it softens the extremes of the cycle, but it comes with side effects that he dislikes. I think, in your case, it sounds like his family is not helping his situation.

I'm hoping for the best for you as I understand at least a bit of what you are going through.
 
S

SolarExpose

New member
Joined
Aug 27, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Oman
Hi Solar, my husband is also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder along with anxiety. He went through some things that are similar to what your husband went through. My husband worked in his father's firm before it was bought out when his father passed away. He had a traumatic experience in which the new owners were persecuting some of the old employees and my husband stood up for them and was essentially forced out.

I can say that his symptoms worsened greatly after this. I essentially had a crash course in what Bipolar is from a carer's point of view. Like your husband mine goes through a cycle where he doesn't sleep and it flows into a high episode on endless agitated energy and then a crash where he cannot get out of bed for days. Sometimes, an external event sets it off, but other times I suspect that it's chemical.

What made your husband think his data was stolen? I think that severe episodes of the manic phase can come with some delusional thinking. What makes his family think that this is black magic? From what I see and experience, medication does help my husband as it softens the extremes of the cycle, but it comes with side effects that he dislikes. I think, in your case, it sounds like his family is not helping his situation.

I'm hoping for the best for you as I understand at least a bit of what you are going through.
One day his laptop stopped working. He thought its the charger at first. Eventually it started opening with a new charger, but once he opened his log in password was not working. After he started complaining to our IT person about it this person was not answering him at all but answering other people. somewhere in between i was lost on what happened but I know he told the person he will pursue charges because he found out the same person was giving our business to his old enemies. Once that happened, the log in worked but it it looked like a brand new laptop meaning it was showing to set up the laptop from scratch.
They believe that when someone gave him something to eat, they added something to it as that person is “a bad person” based on them, i dont know this person. They believe 6 years ago the same person gave him something to eat which produced the episode. I find it absurd...
Now the doctor is saying besides Lamictil he will have to take a psychosis medicine as well to avoid such episodes.
i strongly feel his family is not helping at all. They took 1 week to go to the hospital to check with the doctor what medications to take, they rather called the old doctor and asked him what to do - which prescribed medicine that apparently was not helping him at all. Now with the new medicine we can see some improvement and sleep

can i ask - what helps you ? I mean this is the first episode i whiteness nd i am terrified Nd i dont know how will i be able to “trust” not in him but that he will be ok nd not have an episode when he s walking the dog ir being alone with the kid...
i think I myself will need therapy to recover the trust that we can have a normal life.
 
Alice Raven

Alice Raven

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
900
Location
USA
I think his family situation seems harmful and at the very least, not helpful. Bipolar Disorder tends to have a family link. Do you see anything similar with other members of his family? With my husband, his father suffered from it along with several close cousins. One close cousin has very severe symptoms like delusions, grandiose behavior, wild spending and drinking when high.

One thing that I found common to their behavior when high is that they don't realize that they are not acting normally. With my husband, he becomes anxious, agitated and critical and he honestly thinks that it's all my fault. Both he and his cousin become defensive when you tell them that they are starting another cycle. They say things like, "you're just jealous" or "you don't understand." His immediate family is in denial about their behavior, but we spouses have formed an informal group.

If I understand correctly, the medication takes some time to build up in the system so you have to be patient. Also, my husband and his cousin have to occasionally switch medication as they build up a resistance to one and it becomes less effective. Fortunately, my husband's symptoms don't include delusions, but he is highly invested in some wild conspiracy theories.

So what helps me? That's a good question. I think knowing the signs of an impending cycle helps. I can see small indications of when he's beginning to shift into a high phase and so I'm prepared for the change in behavior. I would recommend being involved in your husband's treatment so you know what the effects of his medication are and what any therapist has planned. I am guilty of not doing this as well as I should. I learned more about Bipolar Disorder so I had a better understanding of the issues. Above all, you need support. If there is a support group of spouses, that's great. As someone who cares for someone with such an issue, it can be frightening and can even burn you out. I've had several burnouts over my husband's behavior. I've mentioned here that, during a high phase while drunk, he even hit me.

Don't allow yourself to become isolated. Maintain outside friends. This part will be hard, trust me, but don't ever feel ashamed for what you're going through. This is not your fault. We are just care givers who are put in a more difficult position than others.
 
S

SolarExpose

New member
Joined
Aug 27, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Oman
I think his family situation seems harmful and at the very least, not helpful. Bipolar Disorder tends to have a family link. Do you see anything similar with other members of his family? With my husband, his father suffered from it along with several close cousins. One close cousin has very severe symptoms like delusions, grandiose behavior, wild spending and drinking when high.

One thing that I found common to their behavior when high is that they don't realize that they are not acting normally. With my husband, he becomes anxious, agitated and critical and he honestly thinks that it's all my fault. Both he and his cousin become defensive when you tell them that they are starting another cycle. They say things like, "you're just jealous" or "you don't understand." His immediate family is in denial about their behavior, but we spouses have formed an informal group.

If I understand correctly, the medication takes some time to build up in the system so you have to be patient. Also, my husband and his cousin have to occasionally switch medication as they build up a resistance to one and it becomes less effective. Fortunately, my husband's symptoms don't include delusions, but he is highly invested in some wild conspiracy theories.

So what helps me? That's a good question. I think knowing the signs of an impending cycle helps. I can see small indications of when he's beginning to shift into a high phase and so I'm prepared for the change in behavior. I would recommend being involved in your husband's treatment so you know what the effects of his medication are and what any therapist has planned. I am guilty of not doing this as well as I should. I learned more about Bipolar Disorder so I had a better understanding of the issues. Above all, you need support. If there is a support group of spouses, that's great. As someone who cares for someone with such an issue, it can be frightening and can even burn you out. I've had several burnouts over my husband's behavior. I've mentioned here that, during a high phase while drunk, he even hit me.

Don't allow yourself to become isolated. Maintain outside friends. This part will be hard, trust me, but don't ever feel ashamed for what you're going through. This is not your fault. We are just care givers who are put in a more difficult position than others.


I think so too - about his family. Which is why i am thinking of relocating away from them. It wud be very difficult to convince my husband to do so but i believe wud be the best solution. Because his family is adamant that i control his life in the way they want me to and I can’t see myself being able to nor being beneficial to him.

I haven’t seen the signs of bipolar but both his mom and his sister have weird tendencies of weird behavior that to me seems illogical and they would contradict themselves.

When my husband gets high i can recognize his symptoms before reaching the state. It usually starts with only 2 hours of sleep in the night and being super active, wanting to go out, meet everyone, do every business possible, sometimes show off, and wanting to work out at 5 am, wanting coffee all the time, etc. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. My husband doesn’t become aggressive towards me but he does tend to have zero patience for anyone else and is irritated all the time wanting to fire everyone at his business and telling everyone off whenever we try to talk that he is getting high.

i had a suspicion that he is not getting the right medication for his condition. Which the doctor now saying that he will need to add to the mood stabilizer another medicine to control any psychotic episodes he could have. Which is what he should have had. its been 6 years since his last episode but better to be preventive than to have to cure it.

If i can ask - what makes you stay in the relationship? I can’t deny that I had thoughts of fleeing the entire thing with or without the baby, but for some reason when I look at him and he has his normal moments during this episode, I forget all that and still feel the same love for him. Which is why I am willing to pack everything and move away together to build up a new life.

I dont feel shame. If anything I am willing to tell everyone what is happening and discuss it throughout. But i am not doing that because i know then people will look at him differently. Some close friends know whats happening and are being supportive but his family is ashamed of it. During this episode we moved in his family’s house because its the first time for me, plus pregnant so unable to take care of him alone. And They complain that the neighbors can hear him cry and shout and that’s why it wud be better to go in our own home...

One thing that has happened in this episode is seeing him saying he is talking to God and he is telling him things and whatnot, has made me loose faith in God. Because he is such a good guy. He wud never hurt anyone yet he is suffering like this while the ones who have pained him have no issues at all.
 
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