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Help - might look like a self-centred desperate rant if so im sorry

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badhaircut

New member
Joined
Nov 19, 2009
Messages
1
Ok, I used to be an extremely handsome, successful, intelligent and a genuine nice guy well that was the story in 2002/2003. Now in 2009, I am a lonely, obsessove, self centred, desperate addict who has had all the help he could have ever wanted/needed from anybody, and to be honest I am a fucking ****! Over the last year I have gambled away 1800 quid I do not have, I have blown the best relationship I have had for 5 years, I found out that my singing talents were not up to scratch and also my cooking was not good enough either (which I thought I was amazing at). I ended up with a 2.2 in Geography having had 4 A's at AS level in 2003. My life is an incredible dissapointment. I have let so many people down, and to be honest I am ashamed of myself - of my body, my behaviours, my decisions and my actions and acheivements. I am worthless. Having been a psychiatric nurse for 11 months and also coming from Bridgend (knowing like at least 10 ppl who have topped themsleves in 8 years) comitting suicide is just pathetic and to be honest selfish and embaressing. But living is soooooo hard. I am so sad and pathetic I can't do the obvious thing of chaning my lifestyle and behaviours to be successful. Maybe I don't want to, or maybe I'm just so sad and dissulusioned with life I don't have a fuck what to do. All my good friends are successful, are not lonely and to be honest have purpose in their lives. I am not religous, and I do not agree wiith the discussions of life after death. So, in my mind knowing that this is the only life I have got, at the age of 24 I feel like screaming out loud:- "What the fuck is the point". My life won't get better easily. i can't go out because i get depressed that basically that I'm unattractive to the opposite sex and additonaly when I am pissed I do not control my behaviours/and or actions and either shag a prostitute to make me feel better (which obviously makes me feel so terrible the next morning) -[also this has only happened twice in my life] I don't know what to do with my life. And to be honest this might sound like a fucked up rant, but I guess i needed some kind of audience for my thoughts otherwise I wouldn't have done this.

xxxx
 
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*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi badhaircut and :welcome: to the forum.

I am so sorry for all your troubles of late, it sounds like you are going through a really tough time at the moment.

You say you know ten people who committed suicide where you live, that must have hugely impacted on your life. You are very strong to have come through it all, and to have had a career in the psychiatric system.

badhaircut I think sometimes in our lives we have to give ourselves a break. Okay you might know what you need to do, but sometimes these changes can seem so impossible. I guess rather than trying to sort every part of your life all at once which can seem over-whelming, I would break each issue down one by one into small and manageable steps.

From what I can gather from your post you do seem to have an all or nothing approach to your life. You say you thought you were great at singing and cooking but instead you are terrible. What about being okay, rather than the two extremes of great or terrible?

You also seem to have very high expectations of yourself. Yes you got four grade A A/S's that is a great achievement. You still achieved them though, they are still your achievements, don't discount them. So you got a 2:2 in Geography, that is actually a good grade, it is not excellent or terrible, it was okay. What's wrong with that?

I think considering all you have been through you did very well.

I know how hard it is to recognise your achievements when you expected to do better but you know, you may have had so many other issues, knowing ten people who committed suicide, I wouldn't be surprised if they had an impact on your studies. I would say well done for finishing it and getting any grade, never mind a good one. :)

It sounds like you want to be the best at everything, singing, cooking, relationships as well as do excellently at exams. But you are human, you cannot be good at everything. I think you really need to decide what is important to you, and instead of trying to be good at everything focus on one thing. My mother inlaw was a terrible cook all her life, she admitted it herself even after cooking every meal for her family for over 30 years. However now she has more time, less pressure and more interest she has become a wonderful cook, and she is almost sixty! Things can be improved upon. At the age of 24 things change, life changes, you are likely to discover so many other interests and hobbies and perhaps you might find your niche somewhere. How you feel right now, is not how you are going to feel for the rest of your life.

As for relationships, well I advise you take a look through some other posts on here. You are certainly not alone, I didn't meet my husband until I was 24. One of my friends didn't have her first boyfriend until she was 50, now she is getting married next year :)

Look how we feel about ourselves can tarnish our view of our whole lives. You say you are 'worthless'. I would like to suggest that you are not worthless but you feel worthless' instead. Just because you feel so low does not mean that your thoughts become fact. They are thoughts, opinions or judgements, not fact.

I really hope you find some support here, I really suggest having a look through some posts on here. You are not alone with all this, far from it. And perhaps you can try to make a plan to achieve one small step so you feel more in control of your life. Even if it is just cutting one drink out, or cooking a meal with the intention of it being 'okay' rather than michelin star worthy!

Take care
Sapphire
 
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mizunderstood

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
50
Location
In my own head
Hi badhaircut, Nice to kind of meet you. This might seem a stupid suggestion but I really think that at the age of 24 people go through a sort of reavluating stage in their life. Kind of like a lower mid life crisis if you like. I did exactly the same thimg at yor age and went trough a real bad patch. I hated myself and my life and could see no way out. I trundled on with my shit life and eventually things started to look better and my moods improved. When I hit 24 I felt just like you have described, and I havn't even got any A-Levels, so think your self lucky.lol. I came oiut of a 9 year abusive relationship, quit my job, started drinking heavily and left my family and friend behind for a new life in France. I jut need to add that I had a really good job and was highly sucessfull. It all backfired however and I ended up sectioned in France with an acute psychotic episode. My Mum and Dad had to come and get me out. I felt like a complete fuckin looser, incapable of dealing with life and sick of getting knocked down. I felt I had failed again only this time I had a mental illness to deal with aswell. I haven't been the same person since, but I got through it and I am now taking steps to improve my life and fullfill my dreams of going to uni. I have applied for 2 couses and I am hoping to get in on my work experience and GCSE's. Fingers crossed. I have also managed (after 5 years of suffering and no help) to get a psychiatric assesment arranged so I can deal with my mental health issues in preperation for uni (if I get in). Things will improve and your life will change, just hang on in there. If I can do it, you can trust me! :)
 
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