- Nov 19, 2009
Ok, I used to be an extremely handsome, successful, intelligent and a genuine nice guy well that was the story in 2002/2003. Now in 2009, I am a lonely, obsessove, self centred, desperate addict who has had all the help he could have ever wanted/needed from anybody, and to be honest I am a fucking ****! Over the last year I have gambled away 1800 quid I do not have, I have blown the best relationship I have had for 5 years, I found out that my singing talents were not up to scratch and also my cooking was not good enough either (which I thought I was amazing at). I ended up with a 2.2 in Geography having had 4 A's at AS level in 2003. My life is an incredible dissapointment. I have let so many people down, and to be honest I am ashamed of myself - of my body, my behaviours, my decisions and my actions and acheivements. I am worthless. Having been a psychiatric nurse for 11 months and also coming from Bridgend (knowing like at least 10 ppl who have topped themsleves in 8 years) comitting suicide is just pathetic and to be honest selfish and embaressing. But living is soooooo hard. I am so sad and pathetic I can't do the obvious thing of chaning my lifestyle and behaviours to be successful. Maybe I don't want to, or maybe I'm just so sad and dissulusioned with life I don't have a fuck what to do. All my good friends are successful, are not lonely and to be honest have purpose in their lives. I am not religous, and I do not agree wiith the discussions of life after death. So, in my mind knowing that this is the only life I have got, at the age of 24 I feel like screaming out loud:- "What the fuck is the point". My life won't get better easily. i can't go out because i get depressed that basically that I'm unattractive to the opposite sex and additonaly when I am pissed I do not control my behaviours/and or actions and either shag a prostitute to make me feel better (which obviously makes me feel so terrible the next morning) -[also this has only happened twice in my life] I don't know what to do with my life. And to be honest this might sound like a fucked up rant, but I guess i needed some kind of audience for my thoughts otherwise I wouldn't have done this.
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