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Help me understand what’s going on in my girlfriend’s head

D

DD3408

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Sep 23, 2020
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Hi, I’m new here so I apologize if this is in the incorrect place, I’m a little flustered today.

I’m not sure where to even begin... my girlfriend experiences fluctuating depression. Most times it’s not too bad but when it flares up it can get bad. We’ve known each other as friends for nearly 9 years now and have been dating since March of this year.

We had stayed the weekend together last weekend and the Monday after she told me her depression was flaring up. I told her if there was anything she needed to please let me know, like I always tell her. Fast forward to last night and she’s told me she’s not feeling it anymore. That I’m “too good to her and she isn’t ready for that just yet” and she was feeling overwhelmed with everything in her life and needed break. She said “it’s not a loss of interest, I think I just need a break and I just need to organize my thoughts” and went on to say “I want you to know that no matter what happens with everything, even if we don’t work out, you’re still stuck with me”. I told her I would be there with her through it and like she said, she wasn’t ready just yet but she’s will be eventually and she’s went on to say “I also need you to realize that may take a while” and I told her I was serious about being there for her and everything she needs.

Until we had this conversation she was still calling me baby, love and telling me she loved me. Sometimes she struggles. I can ask her how she’s been feeling and she’ll just say “I feel really meh today”. I asked her this morning and she said she was struggling with everything in her head.

Relationship aside, how can I help her? Is it enough to just know someone has your back or when you go down that path is there not really anything you can do besides be with your own thoughts?

What does the break really mean? She says she’s hasn’t lost interest, she just isn’t ready yet. Would a flare up in depression cause her to “not feel it anymore” as she’s put it? At the end of the day I’m still her close friend and have been for years. I want to help any way I possibly can.
 
B

bpd2020

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Hello and welcome to the forum. You are being so supportive towards your girlfriend. It is impossible for me to know what is going on in her mind but maybe she wants a break to focus on her mental health and concentrate on herself. For some people they have to do a lot of work on themselves before they are able to be in a relationship. You have told her you are there for her and that is all you can do. I know it is hard but I would give her the space she needs. In the meantime please take care of yourself. Your welfare is important too.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

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Dec 17, 2018
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689
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Hi. I notice you didn't explicitly tell us how you felt about this. How do you feel? I take it you're worried, uncomfortable maybe confused, possibly feeling a bit hurt? I'm obviously guessing and my apologies if I'm wrong.

I've never spent a day being you, take whatever you find helpful from this or ignore it.
I think it isn't necessarily a bad sign that your friend and partner wants some time to figure out being a "me" as opposed to a "we". But clearly there is uncertainty in that, which makes you uncomfortable. Nobody likes uncertainty.

It sounds like she is fairly certain about her decision. So, you might try to sit with your feeling of uncertainty/discomfort by acknowledging how these belongs to you, not her. The well-intentioned reminders to her that you want to help could be construed as trying to offload your feeling of discomfort. And that could seem like pressure.

In situations when I cannot do anything to emotionally support someone I care about, I'll work with my feelings instead. Sometimes I might repeat to myself:
nothing to fix here, nothing for me to do about them. They are able to make choices. What should I do about myself?
 
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