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Help me to help my daughter

I

In despair

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A few years ago my daughter was diagnosed with BPD she is now 35. Since being a teenager she had been difficult to deal with and has caused me untold misery. However, it turns out that she was abused by a babysitter when she was a child. She never told me about it until he died. I was so shocked and upset and couldnt understand why she hadnt told me at the time. Anyway, as the years have gone by she has said and done some really horrible things to me and upset me so much, she also blames me for everything and says it was the way she was brought up, which incidentally was a normal working class family with 3 other siblings. When she was diagnosed with BPD I tried to let the way she speaks to me and treat me go over my head as I know she has an illness but sometimes she is so cruel to me I just feel like running away. I want things to be good between us but she really makes my life a misery sometimes. What can I do to make our relationship work. I can't just ignore the vile things she says to me because they make me feel so despondent and her behaviour also makes me very anxious. I want to be there for her but it is very hard.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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welcome here x wow that is a lot to be going through ,i hope this place helps and you find good support here ,your daughter is lucky to have a caring parent like you x
 
I

In despair

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welcome here x wow that is a lot to be going through ,i hope this place helps and you find good support here ,your daughter is lucky to have a caring parent like you x
Thank you Fairy Lucretia, I hope so too. I don't think my daughter would see me as caring though.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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Thank you Fairy Lucretia, I hope so too. I don't think my daughter would see me as caring though.
please keep posting x you sound very caring to me ,my mum dealt with my bpd and she found it hard but i always knew she was there for me ,you might want to think about some kind of carers support ,you need to look after yourself too x
 
I

In despair

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Thank you Fairy Lucretia. I am hoping for some practical advice on here so will see what happens. I do worry about her a lot, especially with the self harming. She is a single mum too and I worry that my grandson is affected by her behaviour.
 
bpdgirl

bpdgirl

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Hi! First, I think it’s amazing that you want to help your daughter. Most parents refuse to accept the BPD diagnosis and say their child is just dramatic. I am lucky enough to have a mom like you who tries to find help. At first, my relationship with my mom was similar to the one with your daughter. I hurt her so badly by saying anything I wanted to while in a blinding rage.

But then my mom started going to therapy. This changed EVERYTHING. I also admitted myself to the psych ward, got on mood stabilizers, and starting seeing a therapist as well. Slowly, there was more understanding on both sides. We are extremely close now. She has so much patience with me and has never left my side throughout this long journey. A big aspect of BPD is having a fear of abandonment. My mom being there unconditionally has helped so much with that.

Your story really hit home for me when you said your daughter was abused by her babysitter. I went through that as well. My family is also a normal working class family, except I’m an only child.

I asked my mom for her best advice to offer you. She said that the only way to stop taking the hurtful behavior personal is to first and foremost go to therapy. Reading books and articles online is very helpful too. The first step in helping a borderline is to understand how their brains work, and knowing that they are NOT being hurtful on purpose. This is a very difficult thing to learn, which is why having a therapist to explain all of this is key.

I HIGHLY recommend the book, “Sometimes I Act Crazy” written by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus. I also have a workbook I use with my therapist, which is called “The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook” by Daniel J. Fox, PHD. The author also posts videos on YouTube with lots of great information about BPD.

Please feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. My heart goes out to you both. I know this journey feels lonely, but I promise you are far from being alone in this.
 
I

In despair

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Wow bpd girl, our stories certainly sound similar. Thank you for replying and for the advice from you and your mum. I must say, I am feeling more positive already and only joined this site yesterday. It is people like yourself and Fairy Lucretia who are making me think that there is help out there. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
 
I

In despair

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By the way girls, do you think I should tell my daughter I have joined this forum or not. One of those decisions where it could go either way. It also makes me anxious thinking about what her reaction would be.
 
I

In despair

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Hi again girls. Would love to hear your opinion about whether I should tell my daughter about posting on this forum.
 
S

Sugaree

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Hi and welcome! I have a 34 and 35 year old daughters. I am sorry you are having so much difficulties with your daughter. I would talk to a therapist who treats bpd people. Maybe a therapist can help you understand your daughter’s illness. Sometimes there are support groups for the parents. It sounds like you really need some support yourself. There are alot of supportive people on this forum. As far as telling her about the forum, are you telling her you are on forum to better understand her illness? Or suggesting she join for support? :hug:
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Hi In Despair and welcome to the forum. 💗 I hope you continue to find much support here to help your daughter. I think you have been able to express freely what you are feeling. However, the concern I am feeling is your daughter reading that she causes you such misery. I hope you can find much support for you as well.
 
I

In despair

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Hi both, thanks for your replies. Sugaree, I originally joined to get support to help me to help her. I think she is actually on a forum herself somewhere. Signofthetimes, thank you, I get what you are saying about if she reads what I have said.
 
I

In despair

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Hi Tawny, not sure of the for and against, hence the reason for asking on the forum. I think at the minute I wont say anything after reading signofthetimes post.
 
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