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Help me, tell me I can sort this last thing.

I

Itsgottocomeout

New member
Joined
Dec 6, 2016
Messages
1
I just need to get this out into the open and for people to tell me I'm wrong.

Basic back story is that DW and I have been married for 10+ years, have a lovely family, settled home life and both work good jobs. We have no worries or stresses above the usual day to day life things.
Over the last 6 months I’ve been battling anxiety issues, very mild depression and some other mental health concerns. I've got through nearly all of these with the help of meditation, lifestyle/diet changes and informal counselling. All is good apart from 1 thing I just cant seem to get over no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do…

DW works full time (we use local child care) as do I. In her work life she runs a team and over the last 5 or so years has become very close to another (male) team leader there. Obviously they both work closely together on the same things, sharing ideas, presenting as a team etc. That’s all good and I would be a bit mad to think otherwise, hell there are people at my work I’m very close friends with.
What I don’t like, however, is how emotionally close they have become. As colleagues, they obviously have connected on social media, chat via email and SMS now and then outside of work. One of things that grinds on me is how they both sign off emails and SMS messages with a double xx. Just seems too forward for my liking, and not something I do to anyone other than DW at any time (not even my Mum, sisters or close female friends). They also share "lunch dates" at work now and then, rather than going to the staff canteen with most others, they do to eateries as a couple.

I spoke to her a couple of months ago, about how this makes me feel and we have had long hard heart to hearts about fidelity and there is absolutely nothing between them, never has been and never will be. I accept this and trust her; I have no reason not to – they travel away together (with others) for work conferences and I’m fine with that.

Working through this on my own, it took me a while but I think I know what the issue is. I feel I'm missing out on this quality time with my wife. When we are at home she is always on her phone or out, or the kids are around, or there are chores we need to do. When we do get time alone, we don’t talk about anything apart from the usual day to day chatter.

She tells me she needs this time with the other colleague to talk and share things. I just feel really uncomfortable about it all as I want to be the one she has this connection with. I’ve mentioned this and she get very defensive and has told me to basically get over it, it’s not going to change and it’s my issue to resolve. The problem is that it is eating me up and I start to clam up, get nervous and my mind goes to bits at the mere mention of his name.

Should I feel jealous of the time they spend together like this? Should I want to be the person that provides her with her outlet to talk? I just can’t see what she gets here that she can’t get from me or her other (non-work, proper) friends. I don’t have this feeling when she spends time with anyone else of either sex, just this one person. I’m honestly not thinking they are going to run away, sneak off for a quickie at lunch or anything like that – it’s the emotional connection that is killing me.

Additional information which isn’t helping the matter. From posts on social media he doesn’t do the kiss thing to anyone else and neither does she. I know he has blocked me on a couple of social media apps for no known reason to me.

AIBU to feel like I do?
 
I

Izera

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2016
Messages
403
Emotional affairs are as damaging as physical affairs. That's why you are so bothered.

She needs to take some of that energy she's pouring into him and put it into her marriage to make it steamy again.

Insist she do so. Plan a regular "date night", like on Friday night, where you get a babysitter and just be a couple. Avoid talking about kids and home, just be a couple.

If she's not willing to do that, then it's time to insist on marriage counseling as something non-negotiable.
 
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