It's like I read a description of my situation. I know how you feel. I put the same face on at home and with friends, only afford to let the mask go with one person because I know they aren't affected by my situation and there's no sense in pretending everything's ok. This helped me cope, BTW. Find a person you love and know they don't care as much about you and let everything off your chest. You'll be talking to a person you value without feeling like you're putting pressure on them cause you know you are nothing but a common person to the recipient of your conversation. And I know that it's easy to think about ending it all, but that is never a solution. There is nothing wrong with you because you thought of it, everyone who is depressed at one point or another thinks of it, but never act on this instinct because you are more valuable than you will ever understand, and no matter how tough life gets, it is your duty to seek help and fight till your last breath to keep everything together. Best of luck, my dear, hope everything settles down.