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help? im not really sure whats happening,

dreamstate

dreamstate

Member
Joined
Apr 29, 2019
Messages
8
Location
knox county
I know this post is probably gonna be a bit everywhere so whoever takes the time to read this i really appreciate it...
so idk where to start, ive been dealing with depression, anxiety, ocd, trichotillomania (diagnosed for five years now) and dealt with anorexia in the past, but something new has been happening and i dont really know what to think. ive dealt with mental health issues for a while, trying different medicines and therapists and in patient stays but nothing has ever worked for me, i go through times that are easier than others but im still seldom happy.

the past year or so my anxiety has gotten a trillion times worse, panic attacks became a more regular thing and that hasnt been much of an issue since i was 14 or so. i always considered my depression the bigger problem which was the only thing i really addressed in therap all this time, i also went through a trauma as a young child and have lost all memory before the age of 14. im 19 now for the record..

ok onto the issue at hand. this february i experienced a breakdown of sorts? it wasnt an anxiety attack. i wasnt even that nervous at the time. the whole day i had felt off like i wasnt connected to myself and was spaced out, i had experienced things like that before and they were pretty short lived so i distracted myself all day and tried not to worry about it, it was later that night i was going to chill in my room that i suddenly blacked out? i think thats what happened i sat on my bed and my vision and mind blanked and suddenly i couldnt remember where i was or who i was or what exactly i was, it made me panic and immediately was thrown into a panic attack at the overwhelmingness of it all. its been months of therapy and doctors appointments, and ive gotten no answer to what happened since im perfectly healthy,

i know most would say its just my depression and anxiety but ive been dealing with that for years and this was so different? but of course no one believes me and my therapist doesnt seem concerned at all. but since then ive spent every day in a daze, i cant feel anything, i cant feel happy or sad, and what scares me the most is i cant feel love anymore, i cant feel the love i used to feel from my siblings and friends. the only thing that was keeping me alive honestly, it feels weird to hug people or touch them because it feels so surreal, everything does, i feel so disconnected from my body and mind and i feel like im watching everything happen to me from far away. i freak out when someone says my name because i respond to it on instinct but i dont feel like thats who i am ? i dont feel like anyone, anything. i spend all day inside on my computer distracting myself because the second i think about it i want to panic but i know if i do ill feel worse so i just repeat to myself "dont freak out dont freak out just act normal" and then i put on a face and i act. ive even stopped responding in conversations because i dont feel like im being talked to. i just cant.. feel. its so hard to explain, if anyone could tell me whats happening? i dont know if im possessed or i am a different person and ive taken this persons mind and life memories over? or what if im dead and im living in the afterworld now? its like the whole world has flipped upside down. i cant process anything anymore, i cant function normally i cant even look in mirrors, i cant go out becuase when i see other people i start to think lose which body im in because my brain is so far away? i just dont know whats happening to me, its so scary. this is the first time ive let myself think about it. reality and existence is so overwhelming its hard to keep my eyes open, ive been forcing myself to sleep 12 or 13 hours a day just so i dont have to live, its just too much, nothing bad is even happening its just too much its like im in a world ive never been in before but im 19 so i have techincally?

i started lexapro a few months ago and its not helping any. i feel so scared im never going to go back to normal. my therapist said im in control of my thoughts and feelings and it freaked me out because ive never felt like that, ive always felt like a victim to my own thoughts, my brain is always thinking about things i dont want to think about and it wont stop and i cant make it stop. ive also been hearing my name being said out loud and and whispers and ringing noises so much but i dont think its been happening enough to tell my therapist, i see things too sometimes but i dont know how im supposed to know if im hallucinating or not, i constantly do things and then completely forget i did them the next minute.

so many things are happening and i just dont know how to handle it, thank you for reading
 
S

schizolanza

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
2,651
Depersonalisation from depression. Or maybe psychosis from depression or schizophrenia or schizoaffective. Or maybe something not so serious. Maybe it would be best to tell your psychiatrist so she can help?
 
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PsychoPrince

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
128
Location
Indy
Hearing voices and hallucinating is of great concern to your therapist. One thing you can be certain of is that you will never solve the problem if you hold back evidence of it from the professionals. I held back some information too, and after a psychotic break, new diagnosis, going on meds, and watching the psychosis leave, holding back that defining detail proved to be my biggest mistake, and the med my best decision.

Also you mentioned feeling possessed, if you would like me to pray for you openly or in a private message I would be happy to.
 
dreamstate

dreamstate

Member
Joined
Apr 29, 2019
Messages
8
Location
knox county
Hearing voices and hallucinating is of great concern to your therapist. One thing you can be certain of is that you will never solve the problem if you hold back evidence of it from the professionals. I held back some information too, and after a psychotic break, new diagnosis, going on meds, and watching the psychosis leave, holding back that defining detail proved to be my biggest mistake, and the med my best decision.

Also you mentioned feeling possessed, if you would like me to pray for you openly or in a private message I would be happy to.
I see my therapist tuesday so i really will consider telling her, when i go to therapists i always freeze and pretend everythings ok even after years of seeing one, im afraid ill get upset and cry if i talk about serious issues and i dont want to cry in front of anyone so i dont talk... also despite my mental health experience i dont know much about psychosis. also you can pray for me if you would like, i was raised christian but am not religious anymore, i dont know if i believe in possessions but i feel like i could be being punished by god for not believing in him anymore..
 
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PsychoPrince

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
128
Location
Indy
Heavenly Father, I pray you bring peace to Dreamstate's heart, let this child of yours be delivered from the grip of the darkness. I pray you give her eyes to see that you love her with tremendous passion, and that there is nothing out of her reach. In the name of Jesus Amen!

If you ever need to talk we have your back Dreamstate, and so does God.
 
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Pinkrose721

Member
Joined
Apr 15, 2019
Messages
11
Location
UK
I had something happen when I was a child. Everything seemed unreal. I felt like I had no inhibition, because nothing was real. It didn't last very long but was quite disturbing. I don't know what it was.

I also like to sleep as much as possible. I find living to be unbearable. Maybe ask your therapist if it was possible you had a stroke. Sometimes you have to keep on at doctors and therapists because they don't always listen.
 
dreamstate

dreamstate

Member
Joined
Apr 29, 2019
Messages
8
Location
knox county
Depersonalisation from depression. Or maybe psychosis from depression or schizophrenia or schizoaffective. Or maybe something not so serious. Maybe it would be best to tell your psychiatrist so she can help?
depersonalisation has been the only thing ive been able to relate to... i havent found any help for it yet though, i told my therapist but she doesnt seem concerned, i got a new psychiatrist recently but she was really awful to me, so im not going back to her
 
dreamstate

dreamstate

Member
Joined
Apr 29, 2019
Messages
8
Location
knox county
I had something happen when I was a child. Everything seemed unreal. I felt like I had no inhibition, because nothing was real. It didn't last very long but was quite disturbing. I don't know what it was.

I also like to sleep as much as possible. I find living to be unbearable. Maybe ask your therapist if it was possible you had a stroke. Sometimes you have to keep on at doctors and therapists because they don't always listen.
im a huge hypochondriac so after the episode i was at the ER and doctors of every sort, i had all the general tests done plus a head scan and heart scan and nothing was ever found... idk how they find out if you had a stroke but surely with all the tests i had done they wouldve seen something... ive had health issues and constant doctors appts for years bc i always think im sick but in the end its just in my head
 
dreamstate

dreamstate

Member
Joined
Apr 29, 2019
Messages
8
Location
knox county
Heavenly Father, I pray you bring peace to Dreamstate's heart, let this child of yours be delivered from the grip of the darkness. I pray you give her eyes to see that you love her with tremendous passion, and that there is nothing out of her reach. In the name of Jesus Amen!

If you ever need to talk we have your back Dreamstate, and so does God.
Thank you
 
dreamstate

dreamstate

Member
Joined
Apr 29, 2019
Messages
8
Location
knox county
also note that a leftover symptom ive had is my pupils are two different sizes? i went to the doctor and eye doctor and everything is normal, i see a neurologist in may,
 
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