HELP!!!!! i think my gf has borderline personality disorder???????

[goodbf]

Hey I need some advice, I got to write this stuff out to get it out of my head and get some educated feedback. Not quite sure where to start cuz it seems like so much has gone on in the last 5-6 months that I've been with this woman.

anyhow, the first few weeks were great, she did tell me that she had trust issues, that her parents where separated, and that her mother was abusive and that her mother also tried to commit suicide twice "to see if her father would save her". but anyhow I fell hard for this woman quickly, really thought that she could be the one.

in our less than half a year relationship she has broken up with me several times, some times she will ignore me, not answering text or phone calls for days. she gets upset at the smallest things, and everything seems to be my fault.

examples of my faults:

1. she gets cold very easily, I actually like the house a bit cooler. so when she comes over I turn the temp. up at least 5+ degrees. I even told her she could put the space heater in the bedroom. well one night, the space heater was in the walkway, so I just moved it about 5 feet so as to not trip on it. Mind you I didn't turn it off or unplug it, just moved it. She blew up, for two hours she through a tantrum, telling me "I am selfish, and I don't give a shit about anyone but me!!!" I know the neighbors had to have heard her. so she takes the heater and goes into the family room and says she if not going to sleep with me and continues her rant.

2. one night we were having a nice evening, just finished dinner and we we're watching a movie. she decided that she wanted to take a nap so she laid down on the couch and put her head on my lap. to volume was too loud so I got up to turn it down, then I got back to the couch and as I was reaching my arm back over her she lifted her head to put it back on my lap, and bump. I accidentally elbowed her in the head. I didn't think that I hit her very hard, but she was hurting, so I got her an ice pack, got her an aspirin, got the shower ready for her. I thought that she was starting to feel better about an hour later, when she starts accusing me of doing it on purpose. it took me an hour, at least to calm her down before bed. < next morn > we wake up, 5 minutes later she starts with the whole thing again. I ask her to see it, there is NO bump, NO redness, NO black and blue mark, but she tells me a gave her a concussion. next, for two hours she is throwing a fit, she knocks over my computer, throws things around the house, literally rips my shirt off my back (as im trying to call a friend to come over) and help to calm the situation. I ask her to leave, she wont leave. then I ask her why she knocked my stuff around, and she from point blank hits me in the face with pepper spray............

ok those are just two examples.... I could give more.....

I know im not perfect but I have really been trying... 4 or 5 days ago we got back together after she cut me off for a week. couple months ago I did a photo shot with my gf and a few other girls. so I send 3 pictures to my gf and one pic to each on of the other girls.

my gf texts me "so fuck those other girls dude, go to hell, u r horrible, you'll get your karma bitch.....on and on and on...." ok, I email pictures out wft?

so that night, she asks me to come over, we have a nice intimate evening, we are getting ready to go to sleep, we tell each other we love one another, and then she gets a mad about the pics again. telling me "your art is garbage, I'm going to work with other people besides you......on and on......" then she tells me to leave her house..... so I do end up leaving..... again, I haven't heard anything from her for 4-5 days.

now, that last night I was there, she says to me "I think that you are borderline, like my mom". I'm thinking was is that??? wft? ok. so I start researching BPD. and I got to say, a lot of the BPD symptoms I have read about, I can see in her.

what do I do? help her? stay with her? keep trying to reach out to her? cut her off and run away?

to me it seems that, if her mother has BPD, and she was raised by her mother with the father gone, then perhaps she has a touch of it??? the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?

I love her, soooo much, but this is so damn draining. what do I do???

 

[josaphene]

awww bless you i really feel for you people seem to forget how hard it is when your in a relationship with someone who may have bpd or manic depression (my partner has manic depression and mood dissorder plus paranoid tendencys) it is hard work iv been with my partner 12 years we are 32 and i feel drained to hell i have depression myself but its no wnder being through what i have with him (plus issues from childhood etc) having a mental illness doesnt excuse abusive behaviour i got myself into thinking its his illness he would always appolagise and blame his illness. you need to et her help get her to a doctor she is becoming physical i.e smashing things up what if in one of her episodes she goes one further and hurts herself or you? its best to get help sooner rather than later. if her mother has bpd there could eb a chance she hs it dnt quote me on that but id research the chances. it is extremely hard work and you have to make hard chioces i have had to have him (my partner sectioned several times due to me being so afraid i didnt know what was going to happen? if she wnt acknowledge that there maybe something wrong i would go and speak to an outreach team and maybe try to get one of the nurses to come and see her. its tricky when its loved ones, its taken 15yrs for my partner to be properly diagnosed with the right medication but the damage is already doen and our relationship is coming to an end as sad as it is for us both so much has happened i have to be careful though i am leaving but he doesnt know the details i will tell him of course but im afraid if i do it now then he will go manic and something will happen. get her help asap mate there is help out there alot of help even for you. good luck

 

[goodbf]

i really really love her, but it really is like walking on eggshells at times. im upset about this. i thought she had the potential to be the ONE.

she is just totally ignoring me now, so i dont know if i can even to anything?

when i look back at it, i feel that all that ABUSE that she got from her mother, she is taking out on me. it seems like if i don't do 'what she wants, when i want, how she wants it' i am the fucking devil.

 

[Girl Interrupted]

Having a BPD parent doesn't necessarily mean your gf is one too. Apples can fall farther from the tree sometimes, and sometimes they can land right at the base of the tree trunk, depends which way the wind is blowing.

Your gf does seem to have some anger management issues, and what may well be cognitive issues. She also seems to have the love/hate ambivalence. She needs to have an assessment with a clinician before one can put a name to her issues. It can be dangerous to label someone if you're not a trained medical professional.

Has she ever had any assessments? If not could you approach the subject in a very sensitive manner and suggest you both go see her GP together?? It may help if you agreed to support her.

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be stressful, but we are also a great deal of fun at the same time. Try to avoid anything which might trigger her outbursts, but this doesn't mean to say you should accept any abuse from a partner either. Finding the common ground may well be tricky, but the getting to know one another phase can be wonderful if you work at it...... Look at her as if she is essentially an emotional child in a adult's body with the intelligence of a grown woman, nurturing her inner child may help. Doing things together, i.e activities she likes may help build the bond, but try to remember that earning her trust will be hard if she has had a difficult childhood. It will come but it may take some considerable time. If she has endured a problematic childhood she may be expecting you to treat her in exactly the same way that others have, as that is all she is used to. When you don't behave in such a way she may subconsciously try to illicit you to do so, but please try to refrain from fulfilling that role, it will make her issues worse. Consistently being your kind, caring considerate self is exactly what is needed.

I suggest walks in the park or similar intimate you and her moments might help. If she did have BPD would you want to end the relationship or would you be able to love her enough to want to help and support her throughout???

Having a diagnosis of BPD doesn't make anyone a bad person, it basically means the person has difficulties which need treatment, and most of all stable consistent supportive friendships & relationships.

Please try to remember that BPD is such a broad spectrum and not everyone with the diagnosis displays all of the behaviours/characteristics.

 

[goodbf]

if she's ever had any assessments, i'm not sure, because she has never shared this with me. i am willing to do whatever it takes for her. i love her very very much. its just hard to know where i stand a lot of the time. but i hear you, i am trying to send her as much love as possible. but i have to admit, there have been times where i was showing her total love, and she will turn it around and tell me i dont really love her, i just did that to get attention from other people. ?????? strange but true. but i am not giving up on her.

also, as far as getting her help, that will take some work, because it always seems to me that she thinks that she is always superior and most of the time everyone else is the crazy on that needs help.

my gf even moved to the city here to be closer to her sister, and her sister doesn't want anything to do with her. and the other strange thing is, i've known my gf for almost 6 months, and never have a met one of her friends...

 

[josaphene]

that is what i thought getting her to go get help might be difficult it took me along time as d my partner also thought he was superior and that everyone else knew nothingthey were crazy and that there was nothing wrong with him. the friend thing you mentioned she may be like me when she is feeling 'ill' she may push her closest people away i tend to do this iv lost friends through it but have a few great friends who i have trusted to tell them everything how i feel and what i do when im depressed they wnt let me push them away now i wouldnt do it in a nasty way as thats not in my nature i would make excuses not to go places and then leave it for them to get intouch. you gf has been hurt in the past and its damaged her have you ever told her no matter what you will always be there tell her this is hard on you you just need her to open u. when parents hurt neglect thier kids it makes us tough and we dnt trust at all. keep at it if this girl is the one for you dnt stop at anything especially if she becomes a danger to herself as much as she may say she hates you if you decide to get help for her she will see it in the end that you hot her help as you do care. do some digging about the friend thing it might be good to speak to someone she knows see what they say, 6mnths is quite along itme not to know any of her mates. its always the ppl closest to ppl mentally ill that get it all in the neck accusaions you know what i mean. dnt neglect yourself though you can go talk to someone you know to keep your head above water this is your life to and i know how feeling guilty can confuse with love esp when that person is very ill im telling you i have been there and i tried to help d all on my own and it dnt work it got worse as we (i) arent equipt and knowledgable to look after them without help. hope your day is better and your gf is feeling ok today.

 

[amathus]

This is an interesting piece on bpd and relationships, if you fancy a quick read:
http://borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/04/borderline-pe-2.html

qf.

 

[goodbf]

thnx for the support guys i'll read it

 

[josaphene]

i have read it and it is interesting. i see a few qualities i have in there esp the pushing ppl away. but everything else is what my partners like. if ou do love this girl and she isgetting worse get her help also what about speaking to her parents or friends?

 

[goodbf]

her parents i have never met, they are divorced and live in another country. my gf does not talk to her mother any more. and occasionally talks to her father. her sister lives here in the city, but she doesn't want anything to do with my gf, so i have never got to meet her sister. and i've never met any of my gf friends, not one. so what to do......

 

[goodbf]

i have to leave this woman

just a quick update guys and gals. my gf and i started hanging out again, but it just seems anymore that it is daily arguments. she seems to be treating me worse and worse.

example, two days ago we we're talking to each other on skye and she was telling me how much she missed me and that she loved me, and we agreed to that i would see her after work the next day. so i go over to her house and its raining very hard out, she asks me to bring her dogs bag of food inside, i said, wait an hour and see if it stops, if its still raining, i'll bring it in. she gets mad, i ask her if the dog needs the food right now, she says no. then she gets mad again about the food. "why can't you just do what i say!!!!" she tells me. then she asks if i brought water over for her cuz she was out. i said yes. then she gets mad that the bottle i got was not big enough. i tell her i got another one in the car. then she gets mad the other one is in the car, which is right outside her door. then i ask her if i can get a glass so i can have some water, and she tells me NO, that she doesn't want to share the water with me. WFT!? I brought this water over and I can't have any. then she starts telling me to leave and asks me why i came over. i said because we agreed i'd come over. she gets mad and says "why didnt you call?" i dont know why she asks me this, because we talked briefly when i was at work and she said she'd be home around 6PM. she keeps telling me to leave and asks why im there. i tell her, because you said you love me and you were being very affectionate on skype when we talked last night. she says "oh, i was just playing with you."
then finally i calm her down. we have a good couple hours and and go to bed.

next, she wakes me up a 4am. being moody and asking for water. she goes to and drinks right out of the bottle. and i got a little mad and said, why cant you use a glass? i said this because she was sick with the flu. then she gets mad that i said this to her. for a hour straight, she is telling me to fucking leave her house, that i am a looser, that i am ugly. she keeps trying to push me out of her bed with her feet. keeps telling me that she is so happy for my exes because they are not with me anymore. keeps telling me that i am sick, that i am borderline. telling me that all my friends are womanizers, telling me that she never wants to talk to me ever again..........you get the idea.

so i go to leave. she gets in my face telling me to leave. wft? ok im leaving i tell her. she wont let me use the bathroom before i go. tells me i steal all of her stuff. gets in my face again and i make a wave motion with my hand suggesting stay back. and she then hits me hard in the face (forehead and nose) im slightly bruised and swollen but its not bad at all. anyhow, then i go to my car, start driving out the parking lot and she comes over. i roll down the window to talk and she takes my bag from the passenger seat and takes it into the house. i go get the back and leave.... then she is calling and texting constantly telling me to come back........

oh, i left out that night too, she got mad at me for saying hi and petting her roommates dog. (even though last time i was there a week ago it was ok to do so) i asked her why? she gets mad and tells me just to listen and says that she has a problem with the dog...ok?

anyhow, i'm done guys, this is total verbal and mental abuse. and this is the second physical abuse on her part. i just can't do it any more.

how should i end it with her? appreciate any feedback.....

 

[amathus]

Wow that sounds as tho' she was being typical borderline and very demanding!
She is obviously at a loss with her emotional responses...
you seem as if you were patient,but how long will it be until your patience runs out?

I can't tell you how to end it with her,however, my instincts are to say why should you put up with it unless you
have very strong feelings for her...

Perhaps somebody else will come along with more positive ideas for you...
All I can do is wish you good luck

qf.