L
Lex
Active member
I don’t understand what I am doing things for. I’m self-harming in various ways but I don’t know why or what even makes me do it?
I have been ill in hospital with infections after self-harm but blamed it on a bad cut on a nail in the garden. I have been sick at home after self-harm. I want to contract bad illness like cancer (I have already survived cancer previously and now feel I should be ill again)
I don’t understand why though. I know it’s not rational. I don’t think I willgain super powers, or anything delusional in that way. I don’t think I have a voice telling me (inner dialogue can be annoying though). I just do stuff, I think either I am mentally disturbed or I am the true definition of‘stupid’.
I know it’s stupid but I can’t stop, although I make sure I don’t do anything too obvious to end up back n hospital. I think I’m very good at manipulating myself.
Is it a call-for-help? Doesn’t feel like it. Does it act as a release? Not usually - sometime in hospital helped reduce stress but only for a little time. Do I do it to feel pain? No not at all, last time I had 5 surgeries in a fortnight and still healing.
in my life I have always suffered from some degree of depression. I feel friendless, different, Not accepted by others at work and outside of work. I find socialising to be okay but very hard work. I’m so tired and lack energy. I have chronic pain which holds me back.
I just don’t think understand what I’m doing self-harm for. It can be complicated and convoluted like I’m living in a story..... ?? It’s making me sad that I behave like this.
I have been ill in hospital with infections after self-harm but blamed it on a bad cut on a nail in the garden. I have been sick at home after self-harm. I want to contract bad illness like cancer (I have already survived cancer previously and now feel I should be ill again)
I don’t understand why though. I know it’s not rational. I don’t think I willgain super powers, or anything delusional in that way. I don’t think I have a voice telling me (inner dialogue can be annoying though). I just do stuff, I think either I am mentally disturbed or I am the true definition of‘stupid’.
I know it’s stupid but I can’t stop, although I make sure I don’t do anything too obvious to end up back n hospital. I think I’m very good at manipulating myself.
Is it a call-for-help? Doesn’t feel like it. Does it act as a release? Not usually - sometime in hospital helped reduce stress but only for a little time. Do I do it to feel pain? No not at all, last time I had 5 surgeries in a fortnight and still healing.
in my life I have always suffered from some degree of depression. I feel friendless, different, Not accepted by others at work and outside of work. I find socialising to be okay but very hard work. I’m so tired and lack energy. I have chronic pain which holds me back.
I just don’t think understand what I’m doing self-harm for. It can be complicated and convoluted like I’m living in a story..... ?? It’s making me sad that I behave like this.