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Help! I am in Pain!

M

Mav2126

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 14, 2021
Messages
147
Location
New York
I cant take it anymore. From the outside I look like I am doing fine at my new job. But inside I really, really hate myself. I despise myself. I feel like I am a worthless piece of shit. I am sorry for being so explicit but its how I feel. I feel brittle like anything more and I am going to break down. And this is all happening in my head - no negative things happened at work. I feel completely wasted and an empty shell. It hurts so bad. I don't want to feel like this.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,214
Location
US
God, I'm really sorry, Mav2126. What happened at work? Was it more of an ongoing thing or a single event? And yeah, I feel the same, like people look at me as "normal" but it ain't normal in my head. Hated myself more than usual today, so I hear that. Do you ruminate a lot?
 
S

Sugaree

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Joined
Feb 21, 2021
Messages
446
Location
California
Hi Mav,sorry you are feeling so badly. I have those days and sometimes weeks. It is very painful. My mother always told me I was a piece of shit,since I was a young child. Worthless is a name I give myself alot. Hang in there, you will not break and start trying to be kinder to yourself. People here understand and care, and so do I.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,214
Location
US
Hi Mav,sorry you are feeling so badly. I have those days and sometimes weeks. It is very painful. My mother always told me I was a piece of shit,since I was a young child. Worthless is a name I give myself alot. Hang in there, you will not break and start trying to be kinder to yourself. People here understand and care, and so do I.
Another example of a parent who completely failed their job of making their child feel "worthy". So maddening. It's so easy to make your kid feel like shit, but it takes actual work to make them feel worth. Had same issues.
 
00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

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Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
5,700
Location
planet earth
Don’t let anyone criticize you! Don’t feel depression or worthlessness over this. We are all appreciated! When we do good work!
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,214
Location
US
Don’t let anyone criticize you! Don’t feel depression or worthlessness over this. We are all appreciated! When we do good work!
Well, there are a hell of a lot of people who take others for granted and are not appreciated. We have to try to avoid these people in our lives, it gets exhausting...
 
00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
5,700
Location
planet earth
Well, there are a hell of a lot of people who take others for granted and are not appreciated. We have to try to avoid these people in our lives, it gets exhausting...
Yes I’m trying a new hands on approach where I talk myself thru situations rather then using avoidance. I’d say it worked tonight for just starting...

I used to use avoidance at every turn in my life. Especially when being criticized. Overly critical people get under my skin and bully me... in my mind.

I’ll take the approach that lets me use my words instead of violence or shying away. Shying 🙈 away has done some damage in my recovery.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,214
Location
US
Yes I’m trying a new hands on approach where I talk myself thru situations rather then using avoidance. I’d say it worked tonight for just starting...

I used to use avoidance at every turn in my life. Especially when being criticized. Overly critical people get under my skin and bully me... in my mind.

I’ll take the approach that lets me use my words instead of violence or shying away. Shying 🙈 away has done some damage in my recovery.
Ah, got it. Good for you, that takes strength!!
 
M

Mav2126

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 14, 2021
Messages
147
Location
New York
God, I'm really sorry, Mav2126. What happened at work? Was it more of an ongoing thing or a single event? And yeah, I feel the same, like people look at me as "normal" but it ain't normal in my head. Hated myself more than usual today, so I hear that. Do you ruminate a lot?
Hi 2Much2Feel - Thanks for your sympathy. Had a good talk with my therapist and he basically said its my "dark" side trying to sabotage a good situation. The fucked up thing is nothing has happened to make me feel this way - everyone has been very nice to me at work. Its all in my damn head. I do ruminate alot and its usually about a catastrophic future where I completely fuck things up and made to feel complete and utter shame.
 
M

Mav2126

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 14, 2021
Messages
147
Location
New York
Hi Mav,sorry you are feeling so badly. I have those days and sometimes weeks. It is very painful. My mother always told me I was a piece of shit,since I was a young child. Worthless is a name I give myself alot. Hang in there, you will not break and start trying to be kinder to yourself. People here understand and care, and so do I.
Thanks Sugaree for your understanding and caring. It means alot to me.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,214
Location
US
Hi 2Much2Feel - Thanks for your sympathy. Had a good talk with my therapist and he basically said its my "dark" side trying to sabotage a good situation. The fucked up thing is nothing has happened to make me feel this way - everyone has been very nice to me at work. Its all in my damn head. I do ruminate alot and its usually about a catastrophic future where I completely fuck things up and made to feel complete and utter shame.
Yeah, it doesn't make it easier in some ways when you know it's in your head, does it? Those can be the hardest things to overcome. Does your shrink talk about working on your self esteem or ways to try to stop the rumination and anxiety? It's an easier time than ever it seems like sometimes to have catastrophic thinking going on, and it kind of builds on itself. Have you looked into DBT to help w rumination and negative thinking? I'm the queen of rumination, know inside that it only makes me feel worse and thus react worse. DBT skills can help with that.
 
T

tiltawhirl3

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Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,269
Location
Bristol TN
Hi! I am really an old hand here and an old lady now. I have a lovely friend here who I met here and reckon we go back more than 20 years. I have posted about quite a blow to me today but before that, she and I had been chatting back and forth as old hands at this bipolar business and we are the experts. She has the legit medical profession. We both have the experience of many years of bipolar. Firstly we have been stable so long that our troubled times seem a long distant memory. I want you all to take hope from that. What you are going through does not last forever. It takes far too many med trials to find what works for YOU and everybody hates and suffers that process. It is awful. No sugar coating that one! Secondly, she and I take completely different meds! What works for me did not work for her. What works for her did not work for me. What we have in common is that we take our meds all the time every damned day and never risk our security and going down the rabbit hole again. We both know that is a dangerous place to be. It was really really bad, we barely survived it and that is a scary fact. 4th, I am going to be borrowing from her things she said better than I did and combining the conversation. Bipolar depression can be life threatening. It lies! It is a bully! and it is a MEDICAL condition. So, please stop beating yourself up about what your mind is thinking and accept it as the imposter that it is and that it needs medical treatment. This is a hole you can't think your way out of!! It is one pole of the bipolar and a miserable one. We know it is a monster in our illness and we both have it treated, successfully! It is not something you agree to live with and endure and try to fix on your own. If you want to do counseling, do it in conjunction with meds. That is recommended. We both gave a good effort into different sorts of counseling and therapies. I remember being in awe with her at one time when she was so low but would doggedly go out and try therapies. Again, there is no one size fits all! My counseling was different. And people learn differently too. I have declined further counseling. I am reading a clinicians textbook now. And I like Ted talks on mental health. I have another friend who likes you tube video counselors and info. Choose the way you like to do it. Fifth, some swing into mania in its classic form. My younger friend rapid cycles into manias. That is an emergency! Get help right away. They too often wind up in hospitilizations. Worse, you can become psychotic and harm yourself, not even really knowing what you are doing. You are not in your right mind. This is a disaster, so don't delay. My peer and I have/had mixed episodes. These are terrifying! They also are disastrous emergencies that require immediate intervention. Both of us nearly died from them at one time. and I never meant to harm myself!! They scar/scare you for a lifetime! Her last one was many many years ago. My last one was around 13 years ago or more. My drs have put me in one over the last year but I am somewhat protected by knowing I can be well and happy. As I posted, they screwed with my meds. I have been very sick because of it and do not yet have a solution other than finding new drs who will just give me what works for me instead of trying to reinvent the wheel with me. It makes no sense! But the point is that we have had them treated and under control for long long periods of time. We have been stable. There is every reason for hope.
So I want all of you to know that there is an end to the suffering. There is hope. It is a lifetime illness and we will never be exactly normal but the hurting and uncertainty can be stopped. When you are in the thick of it, it is overwhelming and it seems like no one gets better. Gladly, that is not true. Get help until you figure out what puts it mostly in the past and you can live without fear again. I can live a pleasant and enjoyable life. I can feel content. If she and I can do that as our regular way of life, so can you. Because we both were as sick as one can be way back then. I wish you peace. <3
 
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