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Poemwrit3r

Poemwrit3r

Active member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
44
Location
United States
Hello,
I am an adult, older female living independently, retired. I went from a diagnosis of major depression with anxiety to C-PTSD. I had lost 8 friends and family in six months, including my father and my ex father in law within a week. I sought help from a man I was in a hospice group with for help and comfort and ended up being horribly abused and terrorized. Hence the new diagnosis. I am ok. I am very bright, I keep myself busy but I do not know how to cope with loss. I am doing my best, I have weekly therapy and things are moving along as one would expect them to.
However, although some intrusive thoughts come and go, I do not consiser my self to be suicidal or anything close to that. I consider myself to be very special and a heck of a survivor. I journal daily, do healthy things and take good care of myself. But lately, I want to silence myself more. I feel I talk too much, I also feel like I want to be more quiet. I have been researching this 'need' and have failed to find solutions. My only recourse so far is to avoid people - so I do not have to speak. In a sense, I want to 'dummy myself down' and spoke with my counsellor who strongly disagrees with my choice of ECT treatments. I cannot go inpatient anywhere without losing my home and belongings. But I want help. I have multiple college degrees, only one adult son with autism who lives independently and no other family. My partner chose to end his life 10 years ago and the hospice man was my first attempt at dating since losing my partner. Glad I survived that. Short of sewing my lips shut, and losing quite a bit of weight due to not being able to eat, are there any other options for me to simply stop talking, or to just shut up? And is this a normal stage of grief or being subjected to abuse and harm while seeking help for that grief? I must admit it is an opposite behavior for me. I am usually very polite, engaging in small talk and even talk and sing with my tiny pet birds. How is it that I suddenly want to be so silent? And how can I do it? At least in moderation. Just smiling and nodding isn't helping. Thank you.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
3,576
Location
England
I want to be quiet too, talk less.

Do you feel exposed?
Judged?
Too many secrets?
Tired of thinking?
Not wanting to over share?

It doesn't really matter, you feel how you feel.
 
Poemwrit3r

Poemwrit3r

Active member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
44
Location
United States
I just want to say happier, nicer things. I get tired of working so hard on myself all the time, and that means stating lots of negative, painful words. I'd rather say nothing if I can't say something positive and uplifting. Does that make sense? I want people to smile at me, not roll their eyes or use body language to show it is not the kind of conversation they care for at the moment.
 
M

ManDss

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2020
Messages
282
Location
Argentina
I dont understand ur problem so much.

U want to stay silent, but u dont know if this is a good or bad option ?

I think that is very personal.

Do u find any negative impact by doing this ?

Does ur therapist have tell u the negative repercutioons about stay silent ?
 
Poemwrit3r

Poemwrit3r

Active member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
44
Location
United States
I help people all the time. It is not very rewarding and yet, I do it because it is my nature to foster positivity. I believe in humanity. Yet humanity is so divided right now and there is so much hate and division that I feel like someone like myself, who runs around trying to show that people are good and that there are good people out there, I am getting frustrated and feel that maybe humanity can't be saved. If. I can't make a good impact in this life, I feel it's best to be silent then complain. I think if I complain, I am only contributing to the negativity surrounding my world. I don't want that. I want voices of hope and love to surround me or just be silent. I am open with my threapist about my pains. Just not the rest of the world.
 
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