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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Help? Any advice appreciated.

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Sloop

New member
Joined
Oct 9, 2015
Messages
1
First post here, not too sure what im expecting from this so here goes.
I'm 24 years old living in Edinburgh. I hold down a decent job in a large bank earning a decent amount of money and I live in a rented flat with two of my best friends. Life is far from miserable from the outside.
Every day I face my colleagues, my friends, my customers and I'm able to put on this mask as a happy go lucky charming, polite, cheerful, positive person. And every single day it wears me down to the point that I cannot stand my very own existence any more.
I have always been a lone wolf, I used to enjoy my own company a lot and never relied on anybody else. Recently however I keep having these thoughts that I feel worthless all the time. Every day is an effort to get out of bed to go to work yet I somehow manage it and also manage to put my mask on at work then I come home feeling more worn out than befoe.
I'm confused, I can't even pinpoint why I seem to hate myself and my life as much as I have been recently. Over the last few years I have gotten angry at my mother because she used to scream, shout and punish me constantly me as a child and now I'm an adult she is always pleasant and pretending to be proud of me. My friends are the best bunch to go out with and joke around with but any serious issues I have I cannot discuss with them due to the brutal slating nature of our friendship group. My job is okay but its a constant struggle to pretend im happy and positive all the time. If I ever do show even a slightest hint of grumpyness its followed by "are you ok!?" which I hate. I have been single for 4 years but my last relationship ended with my girlfriend who was my best friend cheating on me. Since then I have had a series of flings with girl but whenever it gets close to serious I run away or pull the plug on it due to a fear of getting close.
I don't know what to do. I'm down all the time and I don't even know why or even if I should feel like this. I have been feeling worthless for a while now but recently suicidal thoughts have begun to creep in. Am I suffering from depression? Its never something I even considered before, I just feel down and thought things would just improve over time.
Does anyone here have any help or guidance to offer? I figured it would be better to try find some sort of help and speak about it even to strangers before it goes any further. Thanks.
 
neorealism

neorealism

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 3, 2015
Messages
424
Location
North East of Scotland
Hi and :welcome:

As someone who wore the mask for too long before it slipped, it can be draining and soul destroying. But you are not alone. I was always a bit of a loner and even when surrounded by colleagues/peers/pals I felt alone. So it can be a very miserable existence. I had a few pals/acquaintances, I couldn't really call them friends as none of them I could truly ever confide in. The two occasions I ever did confide in my so-called friends I didn't receive the compassionate reactions I expected/wanted and so I never done it again.

From what you describe you do sound a bit isolated, at least with your negative thoughts inside your own head. It could be that you just need a slight change of lifestyle/scene to make you happy(ier) or it could be a signs of depression. It's worth visiting your GP and discussing the symptoms. He could prescribe you medication or he could advise you to get in touch with a counselling service. Both may seem as embarrassing at first, but whilst I am not a fan of medication they do work really well for some people and others prefer the talking therapy side of things. In terms of counselling, I am not sure about Edinburgh, but when I lived in Aberdeen there were 6 or 7 different counselling services, most of them are charities/volunteer organisations and it was a case of hit and miss (mostly miss for me) with those. I felt some of the workers weren't particularly qualified/trained to deal with my issues and indeed my problems have lead me on a path in seeing psychologists and psychiatrists. But it could be a good, safe place to start exploring your issues and why you are struggling so much.

You've done the first step by reaching out and asking for advice, which is often the hard part. Best of luck.
 
Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Hi sloop.

:welcome: To the forum.

I agree with Neo.
A trip to your GP would be a good idea, I'm not a medical professional, although it does sound like you could be suffering from depression.

It maybe some counselling would help you, your GP would be a good place to start.

I wish you well.

Unique1 xx
 
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