Help and advice

T

Tjnitram

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2019
Messages
5
Location
England
#1
I feel like after I cracked up at uni...which I’m convinced now was schizophrenia, I’ve always managed to hold an imaginary place or image where I sort of exist. Id created an internal self in my head here I thought I was ok. An image to everyone. Now it’s completely falling away. It’s like I’ve invented little worlds and acted in them. Now I feel spaced out, like nothing makes sense. Everything I’ve learned to function has been in my head imagined, not from experience. I feel utter terror and I feel my mind trying to escape. I feel I’ve pretended. I literately look around and don’t know what anything is. And whether a anything’s a dream or a memory. I feel utter boredom, confusion, terror. It feels like I’m realising there was nothing there all along, I did loads of stuff and imagined stuff to function and exist and appear normal..so good I thought I was. Now I’m becoming aware I feel I’m slipping away. Into a screen in my head a bit. It’s hard to explain but I’m certainly having trouble with basic functioning. I can feel my mind wanting to slip to a safe place..it scares me because it feels like all the coping stuff I’ve done to keep and imagine I’m sane is all slipping. It’s like a huge tensing in imy head that I can’t hold any more. Everyone’s saying it’s just anxiety, negative thoughts etc. But it feels like a whole lot more... like right at the bottom a boundaryless chaos where I’ll dissolve into everything-and disappear. It feels like I just don’t understand what anything is. And trying to act normal is getting harder. Any help appreciate. It’s like I’ve imagined what life is and what we do and lived in a safe image somewhere in my head. That tiny safe spot of self delusion has blown open. I keep pretending it’s just depression or something. But it feels like a truth I’ve known all along catching up with me. I’m trying to have hope, but it really feels like the only choice my brain has to avoid the terror of a fragmented ego is to retreat to madness. I also don’t really know who anyone is , they are all part of my safe creation that now doesn’t exist. it feels like I’m molding into my chair and the world around will just melt into a thousand molecules. And there’s the pain of seeing everyone loving and living and connecting and I’m slipping further away. From something I only imagined I had anyway. There’s literately nothing I can think to do. Utter boredom and despair. So may as well drift off. It avoids the pain and horror of where I am. I also can’t think cognitively about things. Is there hope? I don’t feel I can return to normal because it’s the realisation that I never was normal in the first place . Always in my own world. Can I drop into the madness and return? There’s also a hate an paranoia coming in. That I’ve tried and pretended to but can’t feel and connect like everyone else. That leaves me mad and angry. And paranoia that because I can’t feel and am a jumble of nothing inside...people aren’t really really to me either. It’s like I’m on the edge of the rabbit hole. And I kinda want to jump in cause it’s better than all the pain and terror and hate. Any help or thoughts greatly appreciated. Doesn’t sound good does it? Lol
And when we look at old photos, it’s like I was living it like a film from somewhere else. That it was never real. And it’s an anguish that all that pretend world has gone. I used so much energy creating it all and having a narcissistic image for myself and everyone. Its not just a depression, it’s falling into complete fragmentation. From an imagined heavenly perfect world I was in, to absolute hell. It’s a realisation that no one existed , just me reflecting an image in my head for other people. Who aren’t real. This is really bad. People created worlds for me and I existed with them. It’s so bad I can’t quite accept it all. I was an excited child thinking everything was amazing and perfect. A lot has to do with my daughter. That role took me to another reality where I existed. Now she’s older ...it’s all real. I really don’t know how to help myself or what to do. It was all a big self deluded narcissistic ride away from reality. And now it’s gone..there’s no role or mask...utter deadness...or terror ...agitation...rage..fear...and probably madness to escape it all. All the while never really thinking about anyone else. It’s like I can’t stand the boredom and emptiness and terror of just being ...I don’t exist...I need an image from people ...it’s like a reality to escape into. No one seems to understand or be able to help. It’s like without an image nothing exists. I’ve grown by copying and imaging and fantasy...not by experience and feelings and connecting and learning. . But by pretending ...even to my self.. like splitting off and watching a film of yourself. Someone must have some ideas. It’s like something has broken before I’ve even had a chance to live. It feels like right at my core is a tiny space where I hide ...in fear and hate...and if that’s seen it’s like a rage or shame...and madness ...it must stay hidden and safe..and I know this is the bit where people mediate and feel a connection ...mine has shut...and madness happens if it’s opened. It just can’t bear to be opened. It feels like it will tear me apart. Like a volcano. Or an atom bomb.
 
H

harryresperidone

Member
Joined
Nov 6, 2018
Messages
8
#2
is it psychosis mate? have you been to see a profesional?.... i had a psychosis for first time ever 6 months ago and since3 then i literaly cannot feel anything , my feelings , emotionsw, sense of wellbeing , anything and everything has vanished, i can barely think about anything other than how painfull and boring my world has become , day in day out... im 29 ... hope you feel better here if u wanna chat mate.
 

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