- Feb 19, 2010
I havent had a very easy life i have always had issues with my family and things like that... when i was 13 i found out that my father was not my birth father and since he wasnt he wanted nothing to do with me.... my mother lied to me about all of it... and she ended up getting with this guy who beats her and treats her like shit and has totally changed her ..... we used to be exctremely close but since all of that we barely speak and its rough not having a father and a mother...and then About 3 years ago my grandfather who was the last person i could turn to passed away of a massive heart attack, which was completely out of the blue,,, he was a very healthy person. So about a week after he passed away i started throwing up and becoming shakky .. i thought i was pregnant maybe or i dont know... but then one day i had a horrible panic attack i felt like my heart was gona explode .. like i was gona pass out... i thought i was dying ....and i then realized what was going on with me so i went to the doc. and they diagnosed me with panic disorder .... i had probably 3 panic attacks every couple days and they were getting worse... i lost alot of weight from throwing up so much ... i stoped going places that i used to because of the fear that it would happen in public which it did sometimes and it only made it worse... then i was put on lexapro 20mg which helped i started getting better although i still had the panic attacks just not as much........ but i was constantly worried about dying... if i had a headache i had a tumor... if my stomach hurt i had appendicitis.. u name it i had it..... i couldnt stop worrying..and on top of all this i was getting ready to graduate highschool... but eventually it subsidded and i started being myself again although i never went to parties anymore but i did still hang out with friends and i felt better about myself... i went to college and was getting great grades making friends joining groups ... life was good....thenabout 3 months ago i had a really bad sinus infection which caused me to miss a week of school and made me worry about having meningitis... ya i kno stupid.. i ended up in the hospital just to make sure and they told me that i was fine... so my life went on.. but then i found out that i was no longer going to be able to continue going to school because of the money so i had to drop out... which was horrible .. i loved school.... and then weeks went by where i had absolutely nothing to do but sit in the house... because of the weather ... and i had no school or no job... so of course with all the time on my hands i began to fall back into the panic mod.. i worried about everything started having panic attacks again regularly , and i just felt like everything was falling apart... then i was put on zoloft and i just completely stoped my lexapro and went to that.. and one day i realized that i felt sooo weird like i was in a dream and everything was not real or i was dead or something....of course i knew that i was real and so was everyone else but it scared the shit out of me... and it wouldnt go away for like 4 days... so i looked up stuff online and found the schiophrenia symptoms ... and of course that made everything worse so for about a month now i have been in constant fear that i am schizophrenic... i have anxiety the derealization depersonalization and i also started worrying about people drugging my food... not everyone just those i know that do drugs....and i read about schizophrenia and other peoples stories and then im constantly questioning if i hear things or see things or if im thinking right and im afriad of thinking schizo thoughts. i am so scared and confused and im sorry to write a book but i need someone to let me know what they think//// am i schizo?