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Lion Heart

Lion Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2009
Messages
739
Location
kent
hello, my name is leo and i am 30 years old guy. i am here because i am very sick at the moment and i need something to do.

i have many head problems at the minit but i am trying to help myself,i am trying to change my life around and hopefully get back to normal life again

for the last 17 years i have been taking allsort of drugs,trips, Es, cocaine,speed and way to much cannabis, this has messed my head up and i felt like taking my life by taking an overdose.i do not wont to die,i am scared :scared: to die but i was so close to doing it, and i am not just saying it, i was planing it out in my mind to do it soon.

yesterday i went to doctors instead of killing myself and i got some diazepam instead :) i have quite doing all drugs now except the tablets the doc has giving me

because of my head problems i have lost all my frends except 1.

i have got very bad anxiety,major depression & paronier where i have this problem that i cannot look people in the eyes becuase i freeze up in my head and i just cannot get my words out, its like i cannot talk to anyone anymore because of this problem.

i am not a very nice person to be around because of my problems, i get so angry and hit out on everyone,i punch holes in my doors and smash up my stuff, i have no time for anything, i have no time for my mum & dad and i no this is not right and i need to sort it out fast

i have gone without smoking weed for 3 days now and it feels like i am going mad,i cannot sleep,eat or anything but i am NOT going to take them drugs ever again,i am here to deal with the detox and hopefully get better,i just hope to god that i can get better now and that i have not giving myself perment brain damage of some sort cos if i give up the drug taking and i still remain the same i will have to kill myself some how because i cannot live like this for ever,i hate saying that but its true :redface: :cry:

under my skin i am a really nice guy,I NO I AM i would like to think of myself as being a kind carring person. i help old people as much as i can, i stop to pick up things in the road that could cause an accident,i alway try and help others

please anyone reading this who is into taking drugs please stop it

please god help me to get better and i will do anything for you. :)
 
S

shelly

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 20, 2009
Messages
112
Location
Lincolnshire
hiya,

Hiya Leo,
Your such a brave person it takes guts to admit you have a problem and the fact that your trying to sort yourself out is great. I really admire your courage, like you I think I'm a nice person but I do lash out get angry etc.
I think you will find this forum great there are lovely people on here that give great help and advice. I have problems socialising too so can relate to what your saying. If you want to pm me you can. :hug:
Take care hope all is going well,
Shelly :welcome:
 
ms_P

ms_P

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Founding Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
3,067
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BeNeLux
Hi Leo, and welcome to the forum! :flowers:

Are you in the position to have medical supervision whilst in de-tox? It might not be a bad idea. Wishing you strength.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Hi, I have a similar story. Have you tried NA?

http://www.ukna.org/

http://www.ukna.org/forum/index.php

I don't want to sound negative or judgemental; I'm just being honest - But as much as diazepam seems like a good idea, it really isn't. Maybe as a last resort to sleep, & to take a slight edge off things. I know from experience that anything over a few days of taking it & it becomes habitual. I cold turkeyed off everything, it was horrendous for a long time; hallucinations, sleep deprivation, all sorts. Over 8 years later & I still get difficulties. Despite a slight slip a couple of years ago, things have improved by being T-Total. All things considered, I am very grateful for the life I have now, over the one I had then.

Hope that things work out for you.
 
Lion Heart

Lion Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2009
Messages
739
Location
kent
hi

thanks shelly for the warm welcome :hug: i feel ok at the mo,could be alot better,hopefully time will heal me, i will get around to talking to you again soon

thanks mate
 
Lion Heart

Lion Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2009
Messages
739
Location
kent
thanks

MS p, doc tells me to go to this place called KCA i think to get some surport but i am to worried to go there or ring them just incase they say i need to go into hospital for a bit.i am really sick and i think thats what they will say.i got kids and wife to try and look after so i cannot take the risk as they need me around.

plus i think i mite have bipolar and they will deffently wont to keep me in for test wouldent they ?

i told my doc i think i got bipolar but he said he dont think i have,but then he dont no everything about me and what happens to me.my moods change very fast i can have as many as 10 changes in moods in 1 day or more sometimes. my moods change for no reson at all, im just so so worried that they will say i got something wrong with me that i dont wont to hear & that i need to take pills that i dont wont,that will mess me up even more then what i am, hope you can understand me,i no i dont make sence sometimes, I DONT NO WHAT TO DO and i am confused as hell

doc told me the diazepam is only for a very short time just to take the edge of things, i tell the truth i have taken much more then what he told me to take because i am going really mad in my head if i dont,i am worried because i have not got many pills left & if i run out then what am i going to do.

sorry if i done your heads in
 
bluenomore

bluenomore

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
5,527
Hi, no-more-weed,

:welcome: to the forum.

There are more than a couple of us here who have a drugs history, so you've come to the right place.

Well done, first of all for staying off the weed - I know it's not easy.

The symptoms and suicidal thoughts you've described are not uncommon for us addicts. You say you think you might be bi-polar. Well, we can't make any diagnosis here. But as you've only been off drugs for a few days I think it would be impossible for anyone to make a definite diagnosis this early.

Be very careful with the diazepan - it's very addictive. It will certainly help take the edge off, but it's too easy to take the lot. I'm guessing you doc gave you a weeks supply or something?

Hang on in there and try to take things one day at a time (or even just one minute at a time). It's gonna take quite a while for your body to adjust to life without drugs, and you're probably going to experience a wide range of things.

Keep posting on here. You will always get a warm welcome from the good people on the forum :)
 
bluenomore

bluenomore

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Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
5,527
I don't want to sound negative or judgemental; I'm just being honest - But as much as diazepam seems like a good idea, it really isn't. Maybe as a last resort to sleep, & to take a slight edge off things. I know from experience that anything over a few days of taking it & it becomes habitual. I cold turkeyed off everything, it was horrendous for a long time; hallucinations, sleep deprivation, all sorts. Over 8 years later & I still get difficulties. Despite a slight slip a couple of years ago, things have improved by being T-Total. All things considered, I am very grateful for the life I have now, over the one I had then.

Hope that things work out for you.
+1 for the diazepan comment. I agree totally with that. It can help with cold-turkey but can easily be abused and go on to cause the problems you've described.
 
Lion Heart

Lion Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2009
Messages
739
Location
kent
i no im a pest

just needed to say this but my mum and my sister has schizophrenia,they both hear and see things that its not real, but i do not hear or see things,

but i hear a ringing in my ear all the time,could this be the start of schizophrenia ?

i hope not
 
ms_P

ms_P

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Founding Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
3,067
Location
BeNeLux
In all honesty, I truly don't think you can be diagnosed with a mental health disorder with any accuracy until you are clean & sober, as they say.
I had valium while in de-tox because I would have convulsed and possibly died without it, but that's my story.

As for your family,...how can you care for and protect them in such a state as you now face? Is it guilt or shame that keeps you from going the whole nine yards and committing to a regular de-tox & recovery program?
 
S

shelly

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 20, 2009
Messages
112
Location
Lincolnshire
Hiya

Hey there you thanks for the message, I think your doing great and the fact that you are trying is a credit to you :) . I don't think it has anything to do with shame or guilt it is an addiction and not as easy as it seems we all struggle with will power and anyone that says any different is lying.

I think we all beat ourselves up to much its hard dealing with mental illness, as blue says with the diazepam be careful it can be very addictive, I was scared to take it because I have a very addictive personality. :eek: Just look after yourself x :D
 
Lion Heart

Lion Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2009
Messages
739
Location
kent
thanks

thank you for taking time to write back to me everyone, no probs shelly,anytime you ever need someone to talk to i am hear to listen to you and help you to try and feel better ;)


i am a shamed of who i have become,i have got so much guilt its unreal,mainly because i always let everyone down.my dad is getting on now and all he wonts me to do is go fishing with him,i agree everytime to go with him but always let him down at the last minit because i really do not feel like going cos i have been up all night smoking dope and getting high & feel so moany its unreal.

my dad tells me he would love to see me get clean before he dies,i have told him over and over i am giving up now but i always up till now go back drug taking in 1-2 days.i no that he thinks i am not going to make it again because of how many times he has heard this all before.

i have tryed over 20 times to give up but my head always ends up winning,well up till now it has,BUT ITS NOT GOING TO THIS TIME, I HAVE GOT TO DO IT BEFORE I END UP IN MY GRAVE EARLY.

i have guilt cos my other bro gets around there to paint up and dig the garden over for them and allsorts,me i do nothing because im sick :redface: :(:cry::evil::confused::unsure::eek::mad:

just lately i have gotten alot sicker then usel cos a few mouth ago my mum had to go into hospital for her heart, and when she was having the operation something went wrong and she die and had to be brought back to life :eek: and when i had to go see her she was on a life surpport machine

i could not deal with this sight and it really messed me up in the head,so much so that no one will ever no just how bad i was inside,it mad me feel dizzy in my head for weeks after i could hardly walk because i was stubling where the world around me was spinning,i think i had a mental break down or somthing.as i write this i cannot stop the tears from falling. now my mum is out of hospital but she is very sick still and i can see this in her face when i go around there to see her,this is anuver reson i dont wont to go around there to see her.

i have got a very strong feeling she think she has done somthing wrong to me and thats the reson i dont go around to see her as often as i should,but its not, she has done nothing:cry: its like i cannot bring myself to face her,how bad is this ? sorry if it sounds like im going on and on but i am feeling really messed up this minit

anyways i need to stop writting now cos im getting to upset & my body is starting to shake bad
 
ms_P

ms_P

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Founding Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
3,067
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BeNeLux
I sympathize with you.
I still maintain that a de-tox program is the best option for you if you are serious about stopping.
I can only speak for where I am with regards to treatment, but I really don't think it should be too much different to where you are.
You don't just get straight in de-tox. They offer training in social skills and crisis management, so you do have something to fall back on after you leave de-tox. Follow-up appointments are essential. It can only do you good.
Where I went was for a dual diagnosis, meaning an alcoholic/addict with serious mental health problems.
Going someplace like that is a win/win situation in my opinion. It's at least worth a look, don't you think?
Take care!
xxx
 
bluenomore

bluenomore

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
5,527
I never went through a detox program myself but I know a lot of people who have. Lots of them had tried stopping many times before on their own, only to relapse and they felt that going into treatment was the only option for them if they really wanted to give up drugs.

Everyone is different though, and I can understand that you don't want to be separated from your children. Hopefully you can make it this time under your own steam, but if you find that it's just too hard, then maybe you should think about a treatment centre. In the long-run, you'll be a better Dad to your kids if you can get off the weed, so you might be better-off now making a painful decision that will be better for you and your family in the end.

Of course, whether you're in treatment or not, it all boils down to your own determination to stop. And like I said before that comes from taking it one day (or one minute) at a time.

Good luck and keep us posted.
 
Lion Heart

Lion Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2009
Messages
739
Location
kent
thanks ms_P - blue i got a doctors appointment for tuseday see what other help i can get too :)
 
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