- Sep 8, 2021
Hi everyone, I am new here.. I am not really sure what all to say except that I hate that I feel the way that I do.. All I yearn for is to be happy and I feel like I have all the key elements in my life that I SHOULD be happy.. I have a great relationship, an amazing dog that we share, we are both young adults with our own vehicles and working on a place to live permanently together.. It is everything I knew I wanted and still do want, but for some reason I just feel empty.. Growing up I had so much motivation and drive and just wanted to be the best person I could be, for myself and my parents. I was an athlete, a really good one at that.. I loved it, I loved the competition and the challenge.. Then I got hurt in the middle of High School, and all my dreams of being a professional were out the window.. I had committed so much time to this idea my academics had slipped already and there was no way for a scholarship.. My parents offered to pay but we struggled growing up so I thought, I couldn't do that to them.. They already gave me so much so I will go out and work and one day I will go.. I got into a pretty abusive relationship after I left home at 17.. 2 years.. I moved to where I live now, and within the time span of a year my mother got sick (cancer), I found my partner I am still with today, and then my mother passed.. I have never felt the same since she passed away.. My relationship with my other mom has definitely been impacted.. I live about 6 hours away and unless I initiate contact I don't hear anything from her.. I cant stay committed to a job for long, i lose my motivation.. I feel like my confidence in myself is just at an all time low. Not because of my looks but because of all the things I thought I was going to achieve but that I never did, or even tried for.. I have told myself so many times, "This is the day! We are going to get ourselves together and do better!" and it lasts for a day or two until I fall back into what feels like this hole that I just cant get out of.. It makes it even worse because I feel guilty for how I feel now.. Like I said, I have so much to be happy and grateful for now and I am, but why do I still feel like this?.. Sometimes it makes my partner feel like he isn't good enough and I hate that because he's everything I've ever wanted and this is all my own issue, but it affects everything I do.. Im terrified to go to the doctor and them tell me something is wrong because what if that just fuels my lack of motivation? What if I just use that as an excuse to stay in this cycle I'm in? I want so bad to be better, I want so bad to believe in myself.. If anyone has any advice or pointers that help them through the day, please share.. Or even if you are experiencing the same feelings, I just dont want to feel alone and Im afraid to scare off the ones I love by expressing these feelings.. I would never harm myself but that doesn't stop the thoughts.. So I decided to take this step in hopes it'll be one of many for my progress.. Thanks all who read this..