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TP187

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May 9, 2021
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I’m new to all this and extremely anxious and not a very socially outgoing person at all, but I fear I will lose my husband if I don’t at least try to get over my pathological jealousy. If anyone can give some advice or knows how it feels to live like that and can help me with managing it all or point me in the right direction I would be so grateful. Thank you for your time.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
I’m new to all this and extremely anxious and not a very socially outgoing person at all, but I fear I will lose my husband if I don’t at least try to get over my pathological jealousy. If anyone can give some advice or knows how it feels to live like that and can help me with managing it all or point me in the right direction I would be so grateful. Thank you for your time.
Welcome to the forum, I’m sure you will find some help on here ❤
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
I’m new to all this and extremely anxious and not a very socially outgoing person at all, but I fear I will lose my husband if I don’t at least try to get over my pathological jealousy. If anyone can give some advice or knows how it feels to live like that and can help me with managing it all or point me in the right direction I would be so grateful. Thank you for your time.
What’s the biggest trigger for your jealously? X
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Apr 26, 2021
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UK
Talk to him.

Try to present your world-view in such a way that he can see that he would feel/behave in the same way given the circumstances (which might include having a temperamental bias for anxiety).
 
T

TP187

New member
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My biggest trigger is when he talks about his female work colleagues, just something as simple as buying him a coffee sets me on edge. He’s a security guard in our local shopping arcade and if I see him laughing and joking with them I literally see red and I know it’s irrational but I just can’t help myself.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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My biggest trigger is when he talks about his female work colleagues, just something as simple as buying him a coffee sets me on edge. He’s a security guard in our local shopping arcade and if I see him laughing and joking with them I literally see red and I know it’s irrational but I just can’t help myself.
I get the same jealously when my partner talks about women at work because we met at work so I overthink everything. As a security guard for his own safety he has to be approachable by anyone and everyone.
if he has never cheated or given you reason you need to give him the benefit of the doubt xx
 
T

TP187

New member
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Location
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Talk to him.

Try to present your world-view in such a way that he can see that he would feel/behave in the same way given the circumstances (which might include having a temperamental bias for anxiety).
I have so many times he just thinks I’m mad
I get the same jealously when my partner talks about women at work because we met at work so I overthink everything. As a security guard for his own safety he has to be approachable by anyone and everyone.
if he has never cheated or given you reason you need to give him the benefit of the doubt xx
he has been caught out several times talking to women on the internet years ago but he swears nothing physical has ever happened. We’ve been together 17 years now.
 
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quilteddown10

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Apr 26, 2021
Messages
159
Location
UK
My biggest trigger is when he talks about his female work colleagues, just something as simple as buying him a coffee sets me on edge. He’s a security guard in our local shopping arcade and if I see him laughing and joking with them I literally see red and I know it’s irrational but I just can’t help myself.
I think accepting that this is a deep and evolved part of our psychology as social animals would help me come to terms with this. It's like an arms race. (Woman) - 'I will be anxious and jealous just in case you are in fact cheating'. (Man) - 'I need to constantly re-establish the social value of the things you found attractive in me, whether I am cheating or not'.
 
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quilteddown10

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I have so many times he just thinks I’m mad

he has been caught out several times talking to women on the internet years ago but he swears nothing physical has ever happened. We’ve been together 17 years now.
Again, I think this is the eternal rift between men and women. You can never fully 100% trust anyone other than yourself. It can create anxiety, yes, but if you go a bit deeper, understanding it from a wider perspective can help.

I realise that's all a bit 'Jordan Peterson' but I find an evolutionary perspective on my problems really helps me relax a bit more about them.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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I have so many times he just thinks I’m mad

he has been caught out several times talking to women on the internet years ago but he swears nothing physical has ever happened. We’ve been together 17 years now.
Think that’s where your anxiety stems from, but talking online and doing something face to face but that doesn’t make it better 💔
Think you need to figure out if you want to be with him & trust him or end things. Can’t be easy for both of you x
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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This is just one way of looking at it, not necessarily the right way or the appropriate way for this case but still, a way to think about it...

I'm a man. If I'm in a relationship I want the woman with me to be interested in me. If she doesn't seem that bothered, on a regular basis, it'll be a problem. I wouldn't cheat, but at the end of the day we have sex drives that are by design much higher than women's. If these aren't being attended to, men can stray, and men are obviously very visually and very sexually driven. Women can often see this as being insulting, but it's because they ignore what men are. Loyalty etc can only go so far.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Hello and welcome to the forums! xo, j
 
T

TP187

New member
Joined
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Location
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This is just one way of looking at it, not necessarily the right way or the appropriate way for this case but still, a way to think about it...

I'm a man. If I'm in a relationship I want the woman with me to be interested in me. If she doesn't seem that bothered, on a regular basis, it'll be a problem. I wouldn't cheat, but at the end of the day we have sex drives that are by design much higher than women's. If these aren't being attended to, men can stray, and men are obviously very visually and very sexually driven. Women can often see this as being insulting, but it's because they ignore what men are. Loyalty etc can only go so far.
This is just one way of looking at it, not necessarily the right way or the appropriate way for this case but still, a way to think about it...

I'm a man. If I'm in a relationship I want the woman with me to be interested in me. If she doesn't seem that bothered, on a regular basis, it'll be a problem. I wouldn't cheat, but at the end of the day we have sex drives that are by design much higher than women's. If these aren't being attended to, men can stray, and men are obviously very visually and very sexually driven. Women can often see this as being insulting, but it's because they ignore what men are. Loyalty etc can only go so far.
i wish it was just that, it’s me who has a high sex drive and he has a low one, so I know it doesn’t make sense when I accuse him of such things and he’s never away from me unless he’s working and it’s driving me crazy.
 
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quilteddown10

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i wish it was just that, it’s me who has a high sex drive and he has a low one, so I know it doesn’t make sense when I accuse him of such things and he’s never away from me unless he’s working and it’s driving me crazy.
I think jealousy is actually a normal attitude to a situation that could easily change.

I think it is easier for men to default than women (for childrearing reasons, I guess) and women are programmed by evolution to be on guard for this. It's got nothing to do with sex

The difficulty arises when the jealousy becomes an impediment to the relationship itself.

I think some women are overly jealous to the point of irrationality (that's when it becomes a problem) but also some men can be incredibly devious.

Basically, it's ultimately about giving the benefit of the doubt until you can't.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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i wish it was just that, it’s me who has a high sex drive and he has a low one, so I know it doesn’t make sense when I accuse him of such things and he’s never away from me unless he’s working and it’s driving me crazy.
Lots of women have a good sex drive & some men don’t (like my partner). It’s hard when your going back and forth accusing & arguing. When me & my partner first got together we established trust by letting the other person go through the other persons phone etc. We both struggle with mental health so we did anything that could build our trust up slowly as we have both been hurt before 💔
 
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