Hello.

[Mbtwok]

Hello everyone.

I'm here because I have noone to talk to and I can't really get professional help without people around me finding out.
I've always had a feeling of self hatred and I thought I could make it go away but It's not working out.
2019 was a great year for me, I decided I was gonna be more confident and turns out all you have to do is fake it, I faked it and it actually worked. I am indeed more confident than I was. I made some changes and decided to be nicer to people and it's working I guess. People are treating me nicer.
I thought everything was going well until I started having some nigthmares a few weeks ago.
These nightmares involve me killing someone else. I always do it in my old college room.
This would normaly not scare me but I've read online that these dreams may be telling me I have to be careful with my aggression. I don't understand this, since I'm the calmest person I know, I've never been in a fight. Hell, I haven't even punched someone. I don't know what these dreams might mean.
I'm scared that I have a lot of anger inside me ready to burst but I don't know about it yet. I've suffered my entire life and my childhood was not very good. Never had friends either, so I don't know if I have bottled anger inside me.
I see everyone around me be better at everything while I sit here with absolutely zero talent, zero ambitions, zero goals.
These dreams are bittersweet, when I'm inside them I feel terrified, they are very realistic. But when I wake up I feel a tremendous sense of relief, knowing that it was just a bad dream and the cops aren't actually looking for me lol.
I need help from someone who might understand about dreams to tell me what this means. I already hated myself but after these dreams I'm getting worse I think.

 

[Misa_]

Olá! Bem-Vindo! Prazer em conhecê -lo

Why can you not speak to someone without everyone else finding out?

I wouldn't look too deep into what dreams mean, I have the most violent awful dreams and I wouldn't hurt a fly. Some people swear by it but I try not focus on it too much rather get to a solution on how to stop them.

You're most likely putting pressure on yourself and living life "faking" it isn't the best you need to be true to yourself. I'm glad you have found some confidence. I wouldn't worry about pent up anger if you don't feel it you probably don't have it. Our subconscious can come up with all sorts and it all comes from things we watch, read or saw even the news. May not even be something you looked at recently.

Try not to compare yourself to others. People look so perfect from the outside looking in but trust me they are all dealing with something.

If you want to chat just reach out I'm happy to help talk things through with you.

 

[Mbtwok]

If I get professional help and people know, they'll never stop talking about it. That's the last thing I want. To the people I know, I show a happier side, I don't like bothering people with my problems, since everyone has theirs. If they, specially my parents found out I was seeing a psychiatrist they would get worried and they would not stop talking about it.
Yeah, I know, I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I'm surrounded by them every single day, it's very hard not to. Seeing specially classmates from school and college getting their dream jobs and good lives makes me feel behind. And yes, I also know they still have their struggles, but at least I look at them and they have things they're proud of.
There isn't a single thing in my life I'm proud of. I never achieved anything special.
Thank you for your response.

 

[Misa_]

People don't need to know you're seeking help. I know here in the UK we have online CBT or telephone CBT which doesn't even mean you need to go and see someone. It is all confidential so only you should know and your Dr regardless. You don't have to do anything you don't want of course

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Some people get what they want right away. It took me a good few years to kick my ass into gear and get a proper job earning real money not just doing whatever I could to make ends meet. Do you have any goals you want to achieve? Start small and work up. Motivation is so hard if you're feeling depressed. What do you enjoy doing?

 

[Mbtwok]

Hello, sorry I was away for a bit. I am about to turn 25 in June. I do not currently have any goals to achieve. I have never achieved anything great so I don't really know what it feels like therefore I don't really look for it. I don't enjoy doing anything in particular. Everything I do, I just do because I have to. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life.