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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

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H

harleygirl

New member
Joined
Sep 19, 2008
Messages
2
Location
Northern Ireland
Hi, I've been looking on this forum for a while and have now plucked up the courage to join. I have not been fully diagnosed yet but here is my brief story. 8 Weeks ago I attempted suicide with an overdose, woke up the next morning and to my horror I was still here. I got into my car and took the garden hose and drove up a country lane, put the hose in the exhaust and climbed in the back and waited. I could honestly feel myself leaving my body and thought happy days this is it, but the next thing I knew I was in an ambulance going to hospital, I was devestated. Where I had parked my car no one should have found me but unfortuntaly someone seen me and rang the police. I seen a physcrist who gave my Cipralex 10mg and told me someone from the mental health team would be in touch.

I have a loving husband and 5 children, needless to say my husband was devestated. After a week or two the mental health team had still no been in touch. I spent all my time in bed and couldn't believe how numb I felt and still do feel. My husband rang our church and I am seeing the counsellor there who is lovely but I can't open up to anyone yet. Eventually the mental health social worker came out to see me and recommeded my dosage was upped. I went to see my GP who was lovely and very sympathic and very supportive. I am now still waiting to see the physcrist, and I am so down, I bring the kids to school, go to bed, collect the kids, go to bed. I am just so exhausted, I still do not want to be alive, but I have promised my husband that I won't attempt suicide again. I feel as if I am cursed to stay in this hell hole of life till I die naturally and I pray that when I go to sleep I will never wake up again.

This has been a huge shock to my family and friends as I am normally a very happy, optimistic funny person,no one seen it coming, but when I look back in my diary from years ago I have wrote that I hate my life and I wish I was dead, but to be honest I can't remember writing this or feeling so low.

I just want to know what is wrong with me, someone to tell me why I am feeling like this, to label me so to speak. I want to get on with my life and be 'me' again, but I don't even know who that is anymore.

I have lost interest in everything, don't go to the gym, don't groom myself any more. I have read that some symptoms of depression is lack of appitete, i am eating more than ever and it is all junk food, also lack of sleep all I am doing is sleeping any ideas why this is?

I hope someone out there has or is feeling the same as myself so I know i'm not going mad. I still have suicide thoughts about different methods that would be effective, is this crazy?

I would really value your input.

Thanks very much
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,719
Location
Yorkshire
Hi there Harleygirl.

You are not alone - I've been saying very similar things on my blog. My life too just doesn't seem worth it and I'm often suicidal though I haven't attempted suicide yet - just lots of self harm and a few stays in hospital. I don't think there are any easy answers unfortunately!

Anyway, a really big and warm welcome to the forum and I'm sure you'll find it a place of support and help.

Take care,
Honey, xx
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
Hi harleygirl I know in the months before ad's I was wishing my self dead every night I hadnt realised how bad things had become,I dont actually do that every night now which is great progression, The act that you had taken, I understand the feeling that you thought it was definate tecause when I took a major od I couldnt believe that I had been found because I thought I had covered every aspect, I do hope the meds kick in for you because its awful having to live with suicidal thoughts, This week they have been niggling in the back of my mind not allowing me to think postively, like a demon, I hated myself for years,Things have moved on considerably for me these days, but the exhaustion is unbearable still, I'm thinking of engaging in psycotheraphy again which I havent felt I have needed for many years sometimes when things are so deep if you cannot resolve them yourself you have to accept some help, I hope things improve for you take care james
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Some people eat to compensate others can't face food. Your sleeping pattern is usually disrupted but that too varies from person to person.

I don't know why you're feeling the way you do but you are and it's a very real experience for you. My last serious suicidal episode was July and I've just been told by my GP that he wants me on weekly appointments, that I'm still at risk. I have a memory black out of about 8 days and it's patchy on either side of that - that's something I find very hard.

Rest assured you are not going mad, you're going through an incredibly tough time. And no it's not crazy still to have the suicidal ideation - you can't just switch off those thoughts in a moment.

I talked to a friend yesterday about how the way I was feeling was changing me from being one person into another and how I was worried it would affect our friendship. He's ringing me more to make sure I'm okay when I was convinced he would say he couldn't handle it anymore. And that's why I fight to stay alive because people constantly surprise me with their love.
 
intelgal

intelgal

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Mar 17, 2008
Messages
1,413
Location
Yorkshire
Hey there...

thought I would add my two pence worth for what its worth as your post pulled so many famillier strings inside me.

I on the outside appear to be a happy go lucky outward going person that seems to have no problems. But underneath I feel/ felt terrible and about 9 months ago I took an overdose in the hope that I would die... I never and infact even took myself to hospital and admitted what I had done which was as painful as deciding to take the overdose.

I reguarly self harm though with help the actual slef harm acts are slowly reducing. All I can say is that I have maybe been extremly fortunate in recieving the help I have but things do get easier. I still have days weeks where I am utterly convinced I am going to kill myself and the thoughts of stayin alive are just too overwhelming!

Dont beat yourself up for having such thoughts they are all part of these horrible illnesses.

I really hope you feel better soon

Intel
xx
 
H

harleygirl

New member
Joined
Sep 19, 2008
Messages
2
Location
Northern Ireland
Thank you everyone for your input. It is good to know that you are not alone and not going mad:mad: I have a great supportive husband and when I am with him at the weekends I feel safe and secure and happy. I find it hard during the week when he is at work and our house is busy, but I just have to learn to deal with that. I know exercise is good but I just can't get up and get out there. Before this I was at the gym all the time and very active. Fom before July I was an active outgoing person who loved life and now the complete opposite it is kind of frightening how quick things turn.

This forum is great and I am looking forward to interacting with you all.

Take care
 
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