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C

Cyberwaste

Member
Joined
Apr 21, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Scotland
Hi all, I have been reading various threads on here over the last few weeks and have found them to be very helpful in a variety of ways. I hope you don't mind if I jump right in alongside you all, to give and receive support from others who understand how horrendous mental illness really is, not only for the sufferer but for their loved ones too. :hug:

I have eventually accepted that I am not well enough to work for the time being - anxiety has spilled over into every aspect of my life, making me tense and twitchy when all I want to do is relax and enjoy life. My partner is fed up with my unpredictability and extreme mood swings. I am doomed to a downward spiral if I do not get serious with the demons I've been sidestepping for 15 years. I figured that my depression diagnosis, in my teens, resolved the situation. Later, anxiety caught up with me (only discovered after several visits to A&E; I was terrified that I was having a heart attack but the nurse was certain I was having panic attacks). Have been through a few different medication combinations (anti-depressants, beta blockers and now mood stabilisers) but here I am years later, only just now discovering that many of my habits are not normal. I have gone through life blaming everyone around me for the hurdles I kept facing, but I genuinely did not realise that the issue had been me all along.

So, the GP made his referral to psychiatry and I am now awaiting a response. The whole thing makes me very afraid and I am worried that I won't be taken seriously, as has been the case in the past (i.e. the nurse above). I feel awful about letting my work colleagues down and fear that my employer will be angry with me for taking so long to get fixed, but I don't know how to help myself in the meantime and worry that being at work will make the problems worse. I feel like a massive disappointment to everyone and I'm trying to cope with more frequent (what I now think to be) delusions and hallucinations (which are usually sounds). I don't know where to begin but hope that I am able to gain some insight from others who may have experienced the same issue(s).

Thank you for reading :hug:
 
T

Terascot

New member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Las Vegas Nevada
When I was working I had several bouts of a bad mood swings and had to be hospitalized I felt so much shame when I went back to work as if everybody knew what was wrong with me but I eventually work through it
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
193
Hey @Maliris89, welcome to the forums!

I think it's great that you're seeking help for this - that's the first (and sometimes most difficult) step. Sometimes anxiety and depression can creep in on us and, if you've been living with it for so long, it's hard to tell what normal really is. I can personally relate to this (mostly the anxiety), and seeing a therapist has helped me because I used to think some of my thoughts/actions were normal when they really weren't.

I am sure things will go better.. Some doctors/nurses who don't usually work in psychiatry may not always understand, but someone who specialises in helping people like you and I should take you seriously (or at least I would hope so). If your employer and work colleagues are decent people, they shouldn't be mad at you for something that you can't control. This isn't something that can be solved over night.

Let me put it like this.. if you broke your foot and couldn't walk, would they be mad that you couldn't come into work or that your foot wasn't healing fast enough? It would be absurd if they blamed you or were mad. I think the same logic should be applied to mental health. I really hope things go okay and maybe seeing a psychiatrist will help :)
 
C

Cyberwaste

Member
Joined
Apr 21, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Scotland
@Terascot I'm with you on that and can relate to the feelings of shame that you describe. I am often on edge in public because I feel that everyone is staring at me and talking about me. It is persistent and making our lives hell. I am really glad that you were able to work through it though, that gives me hope that I can recover too. Did you find out if they knew for sure what the problem was, or whether you were worrying unnecessarily? I'm really frightened of the prospect of hospitalization, genuinely don't think I could cope. But I do want to get better, so for now I just need to wait and see what happens when the appointment comes around. Thank you for sharing your experience with me :hug:

@Midnight.Panda Thank you for your reply, the broken foot analogy has helped to reassure me that things might be OK on the job front. I don't know about your experiences but I have found previous employers to be very strict regarding absence and a lot of that anxiety about not attending is likely as a result of that. I felt like I had to jump through hoops to prove that I was genuinely unwell - it seems that mental health is still widely disregarded or treated as unimportant, so I tend not to share that information any more.

I really appreciate your message, it is very hard to admit to having depression and anxiety so approaching the GP to talk about it seriously took a fair amount of worked-up courage. I'm glad that you recognise how important that is in starting the recovery process. Thank you for sharing with me, too :hug: It's lovely to receive such a warm welcome!
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
193
@Maliris89 It's true that there's still a stigma around mental health, but hopefully your current employer is more understanding! But regardless, you're doing the right thing by looking after yourself.
I am still studying so I haven't had any work experience, but I have to tell my tutor when I have to leave tutorials early for a counselling session. It's really hard to actually say it to their faces, but the tutors I've had have been very understanding and everything is okay as long as I get a letter proving I was at the session.

And yes, it's definitely hard to talk about our problems sometimes, especially if you've mostly kept it to yourself this whole time. Hopefully being on this forum will also help with venting and sharing some of your worries :)
 
C

Cyberwaste

Member
Joined
Apr 21, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Scotland
@Midnight.Panda I do hope so - they haven't been in touch really except to ask for things like the fit notes to be posted to them. Hopefully they will be OK but for the first time in my life I'm prioritising my own health. I just hate office gossip & have heard enough chat about other colleagues' health in many previous roles to know it generally doesn't get taken seriously unless your leg is literally hanging off lol. Thank you for the support as I often wonder whether I'm doing the right thing.

I'm glad you have such a supportive tutor and that they are happy to allow you some flexibility as long as you have a letter to support it. I am looking forward to getting stuck into studying myself. What do you study? :) it is hard to speak out, I find I struggle to put into words what I'm actually feeling - does this affect you as well?

I am getting better at talking about how I feel, mainly as a result of seeing others on this forum being completely honest about the way that they feel. I don't think I'd have found the courage if it weren't for the fact I finally realised I'm not alone in the way that I feel. People on here are so brave & it's inspired me to come out of my shell a wee bit. Thank you :)
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
193
Our own health should always be the priority! In my head, that's taking care of everything else in the long term as well (I wouldn't be able to work very well if my mental health was staying at -500 all the time). I hate people who gossip :/ But hey, just forget about all of that for now (and if you're anything like me, don't overthink it too much haha). You're trying hard to take care of yourself (as we all should), and I think that's pretty great. You're definitely doing the right thing :) Have you gotten counselling before?

Are you also in university or are you working full-time? I am studying medicine, but I am a stupid and lazy student xD Yeah, I find it really hard to put my struggles/emotions into words. I mean, how can you properly describe a feeling?? It's something that I just feel. It's the kind of pain that no sentence could ever accurately summarise. But I have gotten better at it since I started therapy. First session was awkward and I didn't like it, but after that it was helping and I liked it.

That's really good to hear. I think it's the same for me too. This is the first time I've ever been in such an accepting community. Mental illness seems like a taboo to talk about in my day to day life, but here you can talk about it so openly.
 
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