Hello

B

bagpuss74

New member
Joined
Feb 20, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Northumberland
#1
Hiya

Don't know where to start tbh - Im 44, Caucasian male. Worked in videogames since I was 16, have a cat.

Past few years have been particularly hard, worked from home for past 11yrs after 17yrs in studios.

Didn't have the best childhood - was in top set all throughout school but bullied for not joining peers into crime, resulting in leaving school early. Peers went onto murder etc.

Im now in a position where Ive not left the house in over a year, a few years apart from a doctors visit etc - Ive started to claim ESA which is all new to me, theres apparently two categories, work or support - Ive been placed in work and have a work interview next week - it feels like Im going to an execution. Its hard to describe but I feel scared - I can look after myself but Im actually scared. I don't know what to do. Im thinking that ending it is better than doing all this. It doesn't feel worth all this hassle and Im only getting £250 pm - Ive paid in a hell of a lot more, I thought this would help but it doesn't. Im at the end of my tether, not sure what to do, I love my cat and Im scared what will happen to him if I go.
 
B

bagpuss74

New member
Joined
Feb 20, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Northumberland
#2
I guess a lot of this started when I split from ex - who I did so much for, above and beyond - I became isolated from my old friends and workmates when I moved to her hometown (Highlands)

I thought being a good person was the be all and end all, but its not, it appears bad people get all the breaks.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
181
#3
Hi there, it sounds like there's a lot going on for you and has been going on for you, which probably you couldn't fit into a post on a forum, and I wouldn't expect you to. So I want to say that your pain is justified, validate your pain.

I'm going to say is it's okay. It's okay that you feel low. I feel that you're in a negative spiral of thought, and probably your 'chimp' brain has been hijacked and flooded right now. The rational side to your brain that is so great at designing video games probably isn't thinking straight right now. I think you need to observe this process, feel your emotions but just don't let your emotions hijack you to the point where your thought process begins to draw conclusions about the nature of humanity e.g. 'bad people get all the breaks'. Maybe in some cases they do, but good people get other things like offering compassion to others, and integrity (e.g. not murdering people!). Aren't those higher values?

Ending yourself isn't a solution. Throughout your life you've endured, keeping up an interesting career a long time and from a young age shown resilience to the pressures of your peers. Looking at your life from a bird's eye view, it looks like a steep curve filled with varied experience. You've hit a low but that's no reason to bail. Your suffering will enrich your over all experience and you will get through this.