• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

hello ,, this may be a lot but if i'm going to introduce myself i might as well say it all i guess :)

_8CHU

_8CHU

Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
London
hi i wrote this to myself ... but i just need ppl to talk to ab this i'm sorry if it's a lot. i swear in this so a warning for that i guess, i'm just really angry. u don't have to feel bad for me i just want to kno if i'm not alone. if it's confusing i'm sorry i'll answer questions bc i need to talk ab all of this.

my dad molested me when i was 6-8 i cant remember anymore i can't remember anything idk the exact age i just kno the room. i went there again last year , i felt nothing i'll never have closure.

i hate my mom too she was never there and when she was she would just abuse me too bc she was having a hard life. i hate it hate it hate it.

i didn't deserve any of this i'm srry i couldn't sleep mom i'm srry u didn't have to blame me for everything ignore me and make me have a fear of sleeping with other ppl.

why did daddy molest me why why why why????????????

i was always alone i never had a childhood i was either locked in rooms or just kept by myself i don't understand anything how to keep friends how to love ppl i love no one. yet i can keep up a facade and socialise i was in friendship groups yet i could never keep them for a long time i just couldn't i would get bored or unstable so i just leave or ignored them. in places like school everyone liked me i was only bullied for a year but i don't even care ab that it was just teasing it didn't matter to me at all , after that we all accepted eachother and my school life was fine it was just my home life.

i stay with ppl bc i'm scared of being lonely idc ab being alone i wanna leave this house but i have no one , no where to go, i dropped out of everything i don't leave my house but i feel more relaxed i cant deal with anything right now.

but i don't wanna die even if i'm suicidal i wanna live i wanna experience these things other ppl do i want it so badly i'd do anything.

i wanna get away when i'm 20 (in two years) i wanna run away live with someone else, ik i cant live alone i won't try to - just with someone new.

and m****** (step dad) i just want him to leave me alone i can't deal with this any longer.

i want mom to leave me alone i want everyone to just leave me alone. i hate her why is she sad it's all her fault idc anymore.

"i wasn't good to m**** (brother) either" BETTER THEN U WERE FOR ME OR HE WOULDNT B LIVING LIFE SO HAPPILY U DUMB FUCKING IDIOT R U STUPID HE HAS NO TRUAMA WHILE I HAVE EVERYTHING , EVERY BAD THING THAT HAPPENED TO U U PUT ON ME AS WELL , I WISH I GOT PUT INTO ADOPTION.

i cant stand it.

i cant talk to anyone ab this only myself.

i want to be perfect for me the only way to achieve that is by losing weight i'm already nearly at my goal. i starved myself at first but realised the damage would make me ugly so now i exercise so i can b perfect and happy.
i just wanna lose weight so i can have sex and sex and sex and sex so i can cleanse myself. hyper sexual all the time i researched everything there is to know ab sex so no one could beat me again now i know everything i'm better, no one can take advantage of me.

but i want someone to. i don't wanna think. i just want someone.

i never knew it was weird for a 11 year old to know so much ab sex but i couldn't stop watching and reading wikis after wikis bc i had to know i had to, it was the way i protected myself. now i use all my dumb knowledge as a joke for friends and just act like i kno this stuff as a joke. if they knew they'd all treat me differently i just want to use my dark humour to cope i don't want to b babied unless it's by a lover.

am i a freak??? i got molested yet i want to have sex.

yet i wanna do it when i have a new body and a new name so it's like a clean slate i can end everything and b someone new. i want to suicide my old self by becoming someone new. maybe i'll get therapy at 18 idk what i want anymore i probably have a fuck ton of issues.

but i can hide them all no one even knew in hs college primary everyone thinks i'm happy unbothered that's why i left everything i cant fake anymore.

BUT WHY IS IT FAIR I PROBABLY HAVE THE WORST LIFE IN THOSE CLASSES YET NO ONE EVER CARED BC I DIDNT ACT UP AND PRETENDED TO B FINE , YET PPL LIKE O***** FUCK WOULD GET ALL THE HELP SHE WOULD LIE AB EVERYTHING ALL HER STORIES WOULD CLASH ONE DAY SHE WAS HOMELESS AS A CHILD THE NEXT SHE HAD A RICH FAMILY AND EVERYONE ATE IT UP BC SHE CRIED. I HAVE TOO MUCH TRAUMA TO ACT LIKE HER I CANT MAKE UP SITUATIONS LIKE HER I NEEDED HELP.

e****** (ex gf/best friend) just used me but idc i'm happy she's gone i cant b asked to have friendships rn. she made me date her bc she was drunk and crying and saying she can't do it anymore so i said yes and she threw it all back in my face and blamed me when i said i couldn't love her. she didn't even care ab my problems.

i'm always bored. life is boring for me. everything gets me angry and i fix everything by myself bc i've always been alone but maybe i can't fix this. my mom (she was a doctor) says i have BPD (borderline personality disorder) but i don't wanna get tested i don't want it to b true i'll just b more of a freak then i am already and then no one will like me even if i fake who i am. she just cares for me now bc she feels guilty for my childhood but how is 4 years going to make up for the past 14 ?

i don't understand why all these bad things had to to happen to me ... what did i do wrong i'm sorry i'm really sorry.
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1,524
Location
North Carolina
Very sorry this happened to you friend. Please go talk to a professional. Think it could really benefit you.
 
_8CHU

_8CHU

Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
London
Very sorry this happened to you friend. Please go talk to a professional. Think it could really benefit you.
thank u i will try to but my living situation is unstable rn. hopefully in a few months i can! for now i just wanna try this forum out <333
 
Quijas6

Quijas6

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
303
Location
USA
Yes I'm sorry that this happened to you too. You have good reasons to be angry. I hope you find some of the support that you need on the forum.
 
Rowan

Rowan

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2011
Messages
2,827
i don't understand why all these bad things had to to happen to me ... what did i do wrong i'm sorry i'm really sorry.
You didn't do anything wrong at all.xxx
 
_8CHU

_8CHU

Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
London
"i'll get therapy at 18 idk what i want"

hello by this line i meant "while i'm 18 currently, before my 19th birthday" i am NOT underaged ! in case anyone gets confused - i wasn't really thinking ab my wording when i wrote all this

idk how to reply properly lol
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,366
Location
London, ON
but i don't wanna get tested i don't want it to b true i'll just b more of a freak then i am already and then no one will like me even if i fake who i am.
Listen - getting an actual diagnosis doesn't change who you are, it doesn't make you different than you were the day before. All it does it help you understand some of the things that make you feel like you do, to help you cope better with things.

You didn't do anything to deserve what happened to you, and you deserve to be happy.
 
_8CHU

_8CHU

Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
London
Listen - getting an actual diagnosis doesn't change who you are, it doesn't make you different than you were the day before. All it does it help you understand some of the things that make you feel like you do, to help you cope better with things.

You didn't do anything to deserve what happened to you, and you deserve to be happy.
thank u i needed to hear this ,, ur right i've been on and off ab getting tested but at the end of the day i'll still b me hopefully in a few months i'll have all the answers i need and i'll learn to cope <3
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,366
Location
London, ON
thank u i needed to hear this ,, ur right i've been on and off ab getting tested but at the end of the day i'll still b me hopefully in a few months i'll have all the answers i need and i'll learn to cope <3
Exactly. I was diagnosed 22 years ago, although it took me another 10 or so to read up on it and understand it, and I'm still learning. And, as I learn how it applies to me, I get better at coping with it.

You can take a bit of comfort in a diagnosis - now you actually know what's wrong, and you know it's not just you being some kind of freak or weakling -there's a reason you do what you do. And there are "lots" of people like you, who can manage, too.

Honestly, I had a "what the hell, nope!" reaction to it to,but mine came after reading an article about somebody with it. An interview, more like. And I was like "Why didn't anybody tell me this was a big deal?!?!?!". But nothing changed, except I felt less uniquely messed up, I realized people existed who could understand what my life is like.

Take care...
 
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