Hello, this is my first post and I'm a bit nervous but here I go.

H

Hope1216

Member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
8
Location
33544
#1
So I'm 21 years old guy, I'm unemployed and not doing college at the moment. Not doing anything at all with my life really but I do live with my girlfriend of 3 years now with my family. In the past I had to go see therapist and psychiatrists and have been diagnosed with an handful of mental disorders all from my memory being generalized anxiety, social anxiety, major depression, OCD, and agoraphobia. I live every day in fear of a million and ten things and the worse of all is the fear of loss.

This is where I am extremely scared to proceed talking but I'm going to take this leap of faith. I fear death. What I mean by this is I fear losing those I love and never being about to get them back ever again. I lost so much in my life already, and it feels like this world was made in a way where we are born, we grow, we lose everything, then die and I can't bare it.This is probably a good spot to point out I'm not religious. Take my girlfriend for example, I love her with all my life and I want to spend the rest of my days with her but just looking at her kills me and sometimes I just want to get up and run away like a coward I am but I can't... It's too late, I'm too far long gone in love and if anything were to happen to her that would be the end of me and just saying that makes me feel like a complete monster. I just don't want to be in pain anymore... Because of this my mental health has got worse and worse. I am always with her- and it puts a real strain on our relationship. She complains why I can't just let her at least go for a walk without me or something but I can't. I just can't. My brain just thinks of all the horrible things that could happen and it feels like the world around me is crumbling. Just saying this makes me feel like everyone is going to think I'm crazy.

As far as my family goes they aren't exactly pro-mental health and have a really old view on things and just tell me to "man up" and "deal with it." My mother is ashamed and embarrass of me and sometimes I feel like she would had been better off with some different son and not me. Because of this, I can't get help anymore. I just feel too ashamed and have zero money and honestly... my family would just insult me the whole time and treat me like I was a weak link, a disappointment, and like I was crazy. I know I'm pathetic and I don't need them to remind me. I just don't need it.

There is so much more I haven't said but I don't want to make this post too long. I don't even know if I explain anything well enough. It's hard talking about these pain I feel when I held it to myself for so long. I haven't said anything about how I run away from everything in my life or so much more... God I hope I didn't make this too long. I'm sorry.
 
L

Lora

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May 8, 2019
Messages
89
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United Kingdom
#2
Hi nice to meet you 😊hope you find here is a place where we understand due to our own experiences and care any time of day . Anxiety and fear are crippling at times. Do you have a good therapist to show you relaxation techniques ?
 
daffy

daffy

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#3
Hi @Hope1216 and welcome. Sorry your struggling at the moment. What I think is happening to you is something call catastrophic thoughts and it’s part of MH. You can get therapy for it, but you must learn to let your girlfriend have some alone time. What you need to do is learn to rationalise your fears. What are the chances she’ll go out and something will happen is probably 1 in several million. Also does your girlfriend go to work or are you together 24/7. If she does how do you cope with that.
Catastrophising is something you need to discuss with your MH team and they can get you the help you need.

Daf:hug:
 
Skynet

Skynet

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490
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#4
I'm sorry you've been diagnosed with so many things; I've been diagnosed with half the conditions in the DSM myself! As for your mom being ashamed and embarrassed of you, remember that you got your mental illness genes from one of your parents, even if they don't suffer from mental illness themselves. So, there's no need to think you're a disappointment in their eyes; just do what you want in life at your own pace.

You sound like you really like your girlfriend; if you really hope for a future with her, you will have to finish college and find a job at some point. And honestly, I think she may be more likely to leave you because of your unreasonable demands of her than die in a freak accident. Therefore, give your girlfriend some alone time, as the other poster suggested.
 
H

Hope1216

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Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
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#5
@Lora @daffy @Skynet

Hello Lora, Daffy, and Skynet!


Thank you for all your input. My girlfriend has been supportive and as understanding as she can be and has pushed me to get help, but I'm scared of going because of my family and I also feel ashamed of myself and like a complete nut job but that's mostly just from my mother’s pressure... I have been to so many therapy session and been on and off medications throughout my life and nothing ever helped me mostly because the whole time I got help my mother was there always putting me down for it and also tries discouraging me to go see help because it "makes her look like a bad mother."

It really hurts me because I love her but... Sometimes I just can't do things on me own. It's gotten so bad before that when I was in high school I had to go to the school counselors to tell them I didn't want to be here anymore and they hospitalized me in this place and when I finally got home after a week of being there my mother kind of just made me feel worse like "How could you be so selfish." I cried so hard after that because I didn't want to be selfish, I just didn't want to be in pain anymore at the time and I was pushed to a breaking point. (Disclaimer: I am not like that anymore – my girlfriend keeps me in check) Anyways... That's my only issue with getting help...


As far as being with my girlfriend I am always with her. She doesn't work but takes online classes and is trying to become a nurse so soon I will have to be without her for long periods and she is worried about me and keeps pushing me to get help because she doesn't want me to freak out when she isn't there to support me. I do realize I need to give her space and I do need to learn to gain control over my problems.

I just want to say thank you to you three though, it really does mean a lot being able to get all this anxiety I held onto out and get feedback from people who don't respond with judgement. It makes me feel more human so thank you so much you three. I feel less alone with my thoughts now. :)
 
L

Lora

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Joined
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#6
Your so very welcome I'm here for you if ever you need to chat sending a hug and best wishes 😊
 
A

Anecca

Member
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Philippines
#7
So I'm 21 years old guy, I'm unemployed and not doing college at the moment. Not doing anything at all with my life really but I do live with my girlfriend of 3 years now with my family. In the past I had to go see therapist and psychiatrists and have been diagnosed with an handful of mental disorders all from my memory being generalized anxiety, social anxiety, major depression, OCD, and agoraphobia. I live every day in fear of a million and ten things and the worse of all is the fear of loss.

This is where I am extremely scared to proceed talking but I'm going to take this leap of faith. I fear death. What I mean by this is I fear losing those I love and never being about to get them back ever again. I lost so much in my life already, and it feels like this world was made in a way where we are born, we grow, we lose everything, then die and I can't bare it.This is probably a good spot to point out I'm not religious. Take my girlfriend for example, I love her with all my life and I want to spend the rest of my days with her but just looking at her kills me and sometimes I just want to get up and run away like a coward I am but I can't... It's too late, I'm too far long gone in love and if anything were to happen to her that would be the end of me and just saying that makes me feel like a complete monster. I just don't want to be in pain anymore... Because of this my mental health has got worse and worse. I am always with her- and it puts a real strain on our relationship. She complains why I can't just let her at least go for a walk without me or something but I can't. I just can't. My brain just thinks of all the horrible things that could happen and it feels like the world around me is crumbling. Just saying this makes me feel like everyone is going to think I'm crazy.

As far as my family goes they aren't exactly pro-mental health and have a really old view on things and just tell me to "man up" and "deal with it." My mother is ashamed and embarrass of me and sometimes I feel like she would had been better off with some different son and not me. Because of this, I can't get help anymore. I just feel too ashamed and have zero money and honestly... my family would just insult me the whole time and treat me like I was a weak link, a disappointment, and like I was crazy. I know I'm pathetic and I don't need them to remind me. I just don't need it.

There is so much more I haven't said but I don't want to make this post too long. I don't even know if I explain anything well enough. It's hard talking about these pain I feel when I held it to myself for so long. I haven't said anything about how I run away from everything in my life or so much more... God I hope I didn't make this too long. I'm sorry.
I want to let you know that you can do it. Keep fighting , be strong!
 
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