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hello seeking trauma therapy but it is complicated (may trigger- self harm/abuse etc)

M

myguineapigisinnocent

Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2018
Messages
7
Location
UK
hello seeking trauma therapy but it is complicated (may trigger- self harm/abuse etc)

Ok. i am 35 and have been diagnosed with EUPD/Borderline PD for many years now. I have had DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) in the past, some years back. Recently, after a couple of very bad episodes ending in hospitalisation i started a refresher course of DBT again with my old DBT therapist. Unfortunately my sessions will end later this week.

the BPD has made things very complicated for me because i have tried to tell my therapist about my childhood which involved verbal and emotional abuse by a parent long term and witnessed some violence towards my mum and a sibling. i often felt scared for my life and although the abuse did not happen daily, and could even go long stretches without happening, it was a definite pattern and i never knew what my mood my father would be in. As well as being screamed at, threatened and cursed if i made a mistake or said the wrong thing etc i was often invalidated. i have also expereinced some incidents of what would probably be called sexual abuse, by more than one person throughout my childhood.

i was bullied at my primary school to the extent i do not expect people to think i am worth knowing etc and have a huge snes eof shame, social anxiety and fear. Also have had OCD and anxiety issues since i was young. and self harmed since childhood.

The DBT has helped me in many ways and i had a good relationship with my DBT therapist in the past. But lately things have been going wrong with mental health services in general. a couple years ago i tried to tell another mental health professional about the abuse (not my therapist or regular CPN, it was when i was in crisis) and they started tellign social services etc....in panic i retracted the allegations. in private my DBT therapist still believed me but told me no one could pass on my info to social services etc without my consent). However since then i have a social worker and when i told her she made noises about telling police etc so i again retracted and said i had lied.

Another time i was having flashbacks and the same happened again so i said it was a different person and i made a different allegation. i am very ashamed of this. i was not being malicious. i knew i needed help because of my fear of my father has been ruining my life even though i have moved away from him etc and was trying to get it somehow....i also admit i have a habit of lying and exaggerating in response to feeling invalidated or abandoned by people. i have been told some people with BPD do this. so now nobody believes me and even though in past it has been suggested i may have CPTSD as well as BPD, it is not a firm diagnosis. my current CPN says in her opinion i do not have CPTSD (in spite of psychiatrist and psychologists suggesting it) and that i am lying. she often belittles my panic and anxiety claiming i am having a"Hissy fit." But these hissy fits are always in response to fear relating to my childhood and teen years and my DBT therapist used to agree wiht this view 100 per cent. Now she is working on my case with my CPN i think they both believe i am lying and i have noticed coldness in their opinions towards me and when i self harm i am told "self harm won't kill you." i have taken serious overdoses in the past and injured myself very badly.

back in last summer i was in hospital and the duty mental health team suggested a referral for trauma therapy- i had an interview and was asessed as needing trauma help by my CMHT but then when my referral came through they told me to try DBT again first as my main issue is emotional dysregulation. at that time i think my CPN still believed in my trauma history though she was quite invalidating and i felt uncomfortable of offending her.

last week i became very unwell after my CPN disbelieved me and ever since i have been struggling a bit. i know i need to validate myself but i am feeling enraged and hurt to the core over what has been said.i have to see my DBT therapist fro one last session and am afraid i won;t know what to say?

i have posted here before. but i lost my email and password for that account and feel i need to start again on here. i am NOT a troll or spammer, i promise. my name before was snowwhiteblackbird13.
 
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speckles

speckles

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Location
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DBT is done in order that people are safe enough to emotional regulate the emotions they will feel when they do therapy for the problems that exist in your case trauma work. Often therapist don't feel able to do trauma work with those who have harmful coping behaviours as this could potential become dangerous as dealing with trauma is going to make you feel worse before you can move forward and thus need skills on which are not harmful. Of course it is difficult to do this before the traumas are dealt with as they are triggers. DBT was never meant to be a stand alone treatment for BPD it was meant to be skills training for a year to allow people to move through into therapy. The system as adopted it as is it is the therapy itself because it is tangeable and cheaper to do this. I think you should speak to your dbt therapist about how to use your skills you have gained when dealing with trauma work. I realise that you are not getting trauma work yet but I would ask your dbt therapist if they could recommend your CMHT to give you some trauma work now you have completed the dbt and argue it has given you the skills necessary to try and cope with this treatment.

Please try to ignore typical comments people to try to throw at bpd sufferers, they do not help and they may not be true and regardless it is not your choice to be in this position. Try not to react to invalidating and uninsightful comments if you are able as in the long term this will be a skill you need. All humans need validating but just because someone doesn't do it shows more about their understanding rather than what is true or not, what has happened to you is bad and shouldn't have happened this is a definite, although people not validating suffering is very hard it does not mean that it was still not awful.
 
M

myguineapigisinnocent

Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2018
Messages
7
Location
UK
Thanks Speckles.

UPDATE: Well, I finished my DBT top up but I had a bad week when I finished. Both my CPN and DBT therapist have decided that having contact with MH services is detrimental to my well being and am being discharged on Tuesday (27th Feb). I feel they have blacklisted me as I contacted CPN today and asked for my latest notes so I have paperwork for my benefits etc....apparently they not allowed to do this.

and if I need help from MH services again in future I think they won't help me. I been barred effectively....My GP does not know how to help me, my needs have been deemed too complex for IAPT/LIFT psychology.

Oh and my CPN has changed my diagnosis to EUPD. I looked it up and the websites tell me it I same as BPD.....so now I am confused
 
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